Trouble with the in-laws....AGAIN! (Long post, sorry!)(26 Posts)
Some of you may remember that I have posted here about my in-laws in the past. This has been to do with FIL's awful attitude and DH's unwillingness to do anything about it.
Things have really come to a head in the last week or so. On Friday (June 24th) I made a very generalised comment that the decision to leave the EU was, in my opinion, a mistake. Not directed at anybody at all, explicitly stated that this was just my personal opinion on the matter; I also said that although I might not agree with the outcome, I respected everyone's right to vote their own way and that what's done is done. MIL took this to mean that I was having a personal swipe at her, FIL, DH's grandparents, her own PIL, DH's younger brother, and probably their dog. I refused to engage and ignored a very goady text from her about it. It felt like she wanted a row, and I really didn't want to go there.
Fast forward to Friday evening, I log onto Facebook (I know, I know) to find that on my page, she has written some real nasty things (lies) about me. She claimed that I had called her and her elderly parents "fucking idiots"
That verbally abusing the elderly gives me some kind of thrill! That I'm deliberately trying to cause trouble! And so on.
I refuse to have a public row; I very rarely post to Facebook and mainly use it as a means of messaging friends and family who live abroad. But I do have work colleagues on there who could see all this, so I was quite horrified.
I messaged her privately asking her why she was actively seeking a row and blowing things out of proportion to the point of just making stuff up, just because our political views aren't exactly the same.
She absolutely lost it, I'd say that eleven years of pent up resentment came flooding out of her. Absolute vitriol, including her bringing up the PND I suffered after the birth of my first child.
I told her that she was out of line, and that when she was ready to talk properly to let me know. Then my DH's younger brother (18) wades in- publicly. I'd say probably encouraged by PIL. He really put me on blast, called me a "vile waste of space", the whole family wished DH had never married me, they feel sorry for him having to live with me, he's going to "come round to sort me out personally". By this point I was in tears, BIL (although young) is HUGE- 6'4 and well-built to boot. So I found the threat quite intimidating. I took screenshots of everything and deleted the lot to avoid providing anymore entertainment to the Facebook world.
At this point, I told DH what was going on and showed him everything. As per, he agreed that they were wrong but refused to do anything about it. After a row, he did send MIL a fairly lengthy text about it all, and mentioned some past incidents as well (such as FIL's ridiculing our eldest son- he is only two!)
Aside from all this, I only gave birth to our second child six weeks ago so am still a little raw emotionally. But I'm not a cryer- never have been. I've shed more tears over this family than I ever have about anything else, ever.
I've told DH that I want us to have no further contact with PIL or that particular BIL (he has three other siblings). I don't want them around my children either. It's not just about this time- it's for everytime they've belittled me, verbally abused me, took the piss out of my son, mocked DH etc etc. I just can't bear the thought of them being in our lives anymore. I also reported BIL's threat to the police.
AIBU to want these people out of my life? After everything, not just this incident, them being in our lives would be a deal breaker for me and I think I'd have to leave.
YANBU! They sound very trashy, what did dh say about no contact?
Jeez they sound awful. Block the lot of them on FB, never see anyone of them again and tell DH to pull his finger out!
To be honest, I can hardly even look at DH right now. He eventually agreed to NC but I know it will only last so long, because it's not what he wants. As I've said, it's not just this- I've let a LOT go in the past.
But I'm just done. They've emotionally exhausted me, I've got nothing left to give them. I've made a massive effort with them, and it's never been reciprocated. I just feel so humiliated and deflated by it all, and by DH's approach it all (placate them at my expense). If I'm honest I've only stuck around this week to try to work things out for DC's sake.
Sorry, cross post.
If DH wants contact with them then fine, but keep yourself and DC away from the toxic bastards. So sorry you have to deal with shit like this.
So you have bigger problems than in laws, although they have lit the fuse so as to speak. really glad you reported BiL to police but what did police say, will they interview him?
Do you have your own family and friends for support? I am so sorry you are going through this when you should be enjoying your new baby.
Screenshot and report to police. Cut off contact. Immediately.
Can you not go NC with them and DH have a relationship with them? I have seen a few people on MN do this but not sure how it works for them!
Your in laws sound vile and you do not need people speaking to you like they do especially in front of your children (no matter how young they are)
I find it annoying here when people say call the police for every small matter, but threatening people over facebook is an offence and if you are worried he may escalate this further then contact the police about your bil- not by dialling 999 or anything just 101 or pop into station.
Your PIL sound awful. Go NC and ensure that your children so to even if DH resumes a relationship with them at some point.
They do it everytime we should be at our happiest. They kicked off in the run up to our wedding; the day after we got married (I actually spent our first week as newlyweds at my sisters' place); when I found out I was pregnant with DS1 and again when he was born. And again when I found out I was pregnant with DS2. And now this.
I know that if contact with DH goes ahead, it's a matter of time before they creep back into my life. It'll start with DC being taken to see them behind my back and go from there. They're insidious. I honestly think it has to be complete NC or nothing. But I worry that this is unreasonable of me. I'm just sick of having no support off the one person who should have my back.
Luckily my own family have been fantastic to us; they adore DH and DC. Even he says that DM has always treated him better than his own parents have. My mum put DH through uni etc.
BIL has been reported to the police, I called 101 the following morning. They went round to warn him about his behaviour and have logged it in case of any further trouble.
YANBU. Block them all on FB and have nothing to do with them ever again. They sound bloody awful.
They sound absolutely dreadful but I do think it's down to your DH if he wants to go NC with them. It's not fair to make him feel forced.
When you made the original comment, where were you? Were you all together and then she sent a text the next day, after brooding on it?
And was it the only comment you made? It sounds like a very one-sided argument, so I don't understand where she got 'the verbally abusing the elderly' etc from?
They sound dreadful
Cut contact at once
I sincerely hope your husband backs you up
We were having breakfast with them, and as it was the story of the day the referendum came up. Honestly, that's all I said. A friend had a good point- it's almost as if they've been waiting for an excuse to kick off and seized the first chance they got. It's a ridiculous situation. I wish I had called them fucking idiots, they are acting like it!
She said I'm abusing the elderly because her parents (who incidentally are lovely and I think the world of) voted to leave
what vile people-sorry but who the hell threatens their sil over a row about the eu(i know theres other things but dont know exactly what else to refer to)
your dh cant condone this-taking your child behind your back to see them is a no no
sounds like theyre jealous that hes happy away from them if u ask me
I have toxic in laws. They did this same thing - I woke up to a public slating on FB. They also played up at when I had DS. They thrive in drama.
In nearly killed DH and I because he did not handle it well. I almost felt he was condoning their behaviour by not tackling it. It showed, IMO, a huge disrespect to me and our life.
I pointed out (1000000 times) that my family would never talk about him like that, not because they are lovel and sane (they are not), because I would not allow it. Even if they believed it. I would defend him to the death. I was not willing to be with someone who was not as vested in our marriage as I was.
I said he could see them as much as he liked with our DS but he had to get his shit together and stand up for me and us or he could go join them. He did, eventually. The pain was massive in the meantime. It was up to him to set the balance on the scale. It is up to your DH to do the same.
I've been there my husband was definitely in my court although he did see them without me. My mil did something terrible that we had to break full contact with her. It's been lovely since. We've had too more children since and we have such a good life. The terrible thing she did hurt us but actually did us a favour.
Oh OP that is horrendous, especially with a new baby in tow - sorry that you're having to deal with this. I have a hard time with my ILs too. Every time it would kick off me and DH would argue because he continually swept it under the carpet and then eventually (thankfully) he confronted them on it and things are much better now. The only thing I can suggest is a frank talk with DH as he cannot control their behaviour but he can control how he responds - he needs to make it clear that it is unacceptable to him. If he doesn't back you up then it likely won't get any better. How they've spoken to you is a disgrace and DH should confront them about that but properly and not via text. Best of luck - def go NC for now. They owe you an apology before you can even think about seeing them again.
Why in the hell is your DH allowing them to talk to you like this? I'd go NC with them immediately and expect the backing of H and if not I'd be thinking about whether the relationship with him could survive
I'm really scared that they are bringing about the end of my marriage. I feel so let down. Lots of tears this week.
They really aren't bringing about the end of your marriage. If you don't survive this it will be because DH isn't as invested in it as he should be.So sorry
It's easy to say on here but I'd have nothing more to do with them. Do they bring anything to your life, and the lies of the children other than misery and stress? You don't deserve to live like this.
They sound like they don't like you, in fact they sound like they actively despise you.
If your DH wants to see them, then don't stop him. That way he can't be told that it's your fault that they don't see him. But don't engage, don't enable.
I would look at getting a couples therapist. It gives you and DH a supportive place who can help you look at the situation and perhaps give your DH the clarity he needs to see that they are out of order and he is at some point going to need to choose where his priorities lay.
At the minute he feels stuck in the middle rather than being able to see their awful behaviour for what it is. I think a decent therapist will help him see the dynamics for what they truly are.
Much cheaper than a divorce if it enables your DH to find his "balls" and stand up to them.
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