To not want my mother teaching dd naughty behaviour?(30 Posts)
I really dont know whether im being unreasonable or not here.
My dd is nearly 4 and repeats alot of things! Im trying to bring her up to be respectful and with manners etc.
However my mother keeps teaching dd things i dont like. For example...
My mum burps and says dirty pig straight away instead of excuse me. Dd then repeats dirty pig straightaway. My thinks this is hilarious! I on the other hand correct dd straightaway.
Another one is dd was annoying my mum today (my mum isnt particularly child friendly) and my mum asked dd if she wanted a "clout" im not sure how to spell it but it basically means a smack.
She would NEVER smack her but dd then asked my mum if she wanted a clout!
I do not like dd being taught these things! I pull my mum up on it everytime but she says im not letting dd be a kid and im always saying dont do this, that etc.
Anyway when i was brushing dds teeth the other day (something she hates) she asked me if i wanted a smack!!!!!!
How do i get round this??
At the moment im telling dd that its naughty what nanna says and we musnt say naughty things etc.
My mum was the same with me as a child and i dont want dd growing up like i did. I ve had to teach myself people skills as an adult etc.
Another one is telling dd to shut up (playfully) but i still dont like dd thinking its ok to tell people to shut up.
If your mum is threatening to hit her then I'd keep them apart based on that.
Kids copy behaviour. It's what they do. You can't really stop them.
She wouldnt hit her. Its just something she says when something isnt going her way. She will say it to my step dad but not actually hit him, she just says it.
I currently see her 2-3 times aweek (not always with dd) but im thinking of cutting it right down
Dh thinks the best thing to do is to teach dd that when nanna says naughty things we musnt say them
Your mother sounds a right pain. You could certainly cut down the contact - that would help.
It's good that you are telling your mother each time not to do it. You will have to keep doing that. However, it doesn't sound like she will change the way she is.
I can only suggest that you get even firmer with your mother and tell her you cannot have your dc learning this stuff and you will get up and walk out next time she does it. And do that. Your mother may learn.
I feel sorry for your daughter getting mixed messages. You can only keep telling her nanna is wrong and naughty I suppose. Poor little thing.
I really feel for you. My not dear M did this. She did it even more when I asked her not to.
Then again there were far more issues, and have been blissfully NC for a while now.
I think you should tell her what is acceptable around your children. If she is a grown up, and she respects you as a mother, she will stop.
If not, it's up to you as to whether contact is limited.
Very confusing for your little one x
Honestly I don't think this is anything to get overly upset about. It's fine for you to reinforce to your DD that certain ways are the ways you want/expect her to behave but it'll also be useful for her to see that different behaviours are acceptable in different contexts and that sometimes there are different rules for adults and children.
I used to go to a lot of football matches as a child and there would be people yelling and swearing and my parents just explained that for adults at football matches that behaviour was acceptable but that it wasn't appropriate for children or situations that weren't football matches.
By all means continue to discourage your mum from demonstrating behaviours that you'd rather your daughter didn't copy but I don't think it's worth causing a massive row over either. Instead see at as a useful opportunity to teach your DD about not copying bad behaviour ready for when she starts school because even if you stop your mum from misbehaving in front of her you can't stop everybody.
When the kids ask where I've gone, my mum always says "run away with a black man" in this day and age!! Her mum used to say it, and even though she is in no way racist, it still slips out of her mouth! I've told her a million times not to say it but it's like a conditioned reply to where's mammy!
Dear god, people would consider limiting contact for this??? Yes it's annoying, but I doubt your DD will even remember in a few years.
She wouldnt hit her. Its just something she says when something isnt going her way
A kid won't know that! they'll take it literally!
And if it's okay for grandma to do it them it's okay for her to copy
She's your mum. Can't you just ask her to lay off the particular words you don't like? She's raised kids she must have an idea - just probably thinks she's being 'fun granny'. Seems an overreaction to limit contact because of it.
You can always correct your daughter as well. I find a 'don't say that please' enough most of the time.
I'm not sure that your mum is teaching your daughter naughty things, just outdated nonsense?
I don't understand "dirty pig" rather than just sorry or pardon me.
Would you like a clout?-er no thank you!
I wonder if it was the OP's DH, whether people would have the same view?
Yes there are characters in life we don't wish to influence our children, and life is about learning what is right and wrong, and we are supposed to be there to teach them. So if you're out and someone swears, you can say to your child 'that is wrong, we don't do that'.
But I can't accept that family members get away with behaviour not welcome, just because they'll come across this in life anyway.
OP's tolerance will be different to someone else's, and there's nothing wrong with saying (in a nice way) please don't do xy because I don't like it.
If there is respect, they will listen.
In my opinion.
My mother used to call it a clip round the ear.
I think it is ignorance on your mothers part.. A very old fashioned way of parenting.
Does she use phrases such where's mum? Ran away with a black man? What's for dinner shit sandwiches?
(If this is just me that's embarrassing!) but I hope you get the gist.
Try and have a chat (can you make our that you were called in to school / nursery and they picked up on it)
Oh my god muddling through! Just seen your reply!!
Ran off with a black man was a phrase my father used to use. Hes not alive anymore though.
I ve asked her not to say "naughty things" but she just pulls her face and says im no fun and im boring etc.
I dont think she has any respect for me actually come to think of it which is why she wont respect my parenting wishes.
I do get the impression that she thinks im above myself as she has said to dd before now "dont worry we all know were you came from''.
hmmm, I don't think it constitutes anything as severe as limiting contact, she's just being daft and if you dont agree with it just mention it to DD at th time. She's going to come into contact with loads of things that you are going to have to point out aren't ok. Its not racist/sexist something awful?
My mum and dad are broad Yorkshire and have some odd saying but I just say to Ds, thats funny or okay for nannan to say but we don't say it ok? good lesson on differences. Also don't think a 'clout' actually means physical violence, it's used as a joke in my family like 'why I oughta' (fist waving)
YANBU. My nan will often say things I don't particularly approve of in front of my DCs. Some more serious, some not but I still say something. The other day DD asked me if 2 women can marry each other and my nan said no of course not and thankfully I started answering at the same time and said they can if they want to. My nan gave me a look and I said "well they can" she also said p**i a little while ago and I had to say something about that. She isn't racist but she won't have it that there are certain terms you don't use.
Sometimes it's stuff like "don't be so stupid" to something she deems trivial when I want the DCs to know that their thoughts and feelings do matter. She also calls people stupid and idiot a lot, things I don't let DCs say.
Funnily enough I'm also trying to go against how I was brought up. If I thought something that didn't quite fit, it would be dismissed and I would be told it was stupid. I won't have the DCs feeling like this.
I have to bite my tongue not to say "ran away with a black man" too. My dad always used to say it to me and sometimes it pops in to my head if DCs ask. I've never said it and won't obviously but it can pop up like an automatic response.
Clout means hit. It's physical violence.
Of course your 4-year-old finds her nanna's comments funny, that's what toddler humour is like. Which, of course, means that nanna is at times behaving like a toddler. Getting down on the floor and making "vroom-vroom" noises when playing cars with a toddler is absolutely fine. Belching and saying "dirty pig" is not. Nor are any of the other things your DM is doing that are "naughty".
Unfortunately, some people don't grow up very much. If your DM won't respond to your requests to be more careful with her language, the only thing you can do is pull her up every time she oversteps your boundaries.
There are always going to be 'bad influences' around your child that you cannot control. Annoying that it's your Mum in this case & that she is not being more supportive. I would be up front with your Mum about how you feel, but I think on the scale of things it's not worth losing contact over.
I would instead have a frank discussion with your child about your expectations around behaviour & making good decisions. That way when she is confronted with the next bad influence she understands why it's not a good idea to copy silly behaviour.
I think you should explain to your dd that your mum is a bit daft and that normally we don't say stuff like hat. The best way for your dd and you to deal with it is to smile sweetly but not copy what she says.
If your mum and dd are there and no one else is there then I would say it's not a big issue and I wouldn't bother making a fuss.
I'd have one last go of saying 'Mum, it;s really annoying and boring when you do this, could we not just make some genuinely funny jokes." And I'd buy her a joke book to read with dd, and let her do jokey stuff.
But I think you need to stop rising to the bait and you'll need to take the wind out of her sails and I think you not getting cross/you not mentioning it will do that.
When your mum is not around if dd says things like that I would pull her up on it as you would anyway and say it's not nice.
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