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To tell my husband

(204 Posts)
Mousedl1 Sat 02-Jul-16 17:46:50

So BIL (DHs sisters other half) come over today and caught me on my own and said he desperately needed to see me on my own.
I made my excuses and went to his house where I meet him. He promptly burst into tears and sobbing. He has messed up big time and got loads of payday loans, porned his jewellery and loan sharks to the tune of over £4.5k. Him and SIL credit has taken a battery and they can't get out of it, he isn't sleeping and they are arguing as they can't see a way out as they can't get one loan to pay it off and may lose house. SIL doesn't know he has come to me as she is very proud and he asked me to countersign a loan (39.4%apr). I said no but will get cash from my credit card at interest free and he pays handling charge of £360 in total. He can afford £100.00 a week repayments. I am happy to help and wouldn't want them to lose house but he begged me not to tell DH.
Should I tell DH when SIL won't know and break his trust

TheNewSchmoo Sat 02-Jul-16 17:48:21

Do not do this. Just don't.

smilingeyes11 Sat 02-Jul-16 17:49:50

no no no - you must not take cash out on your credit card nor should you loan him anything at all. What happens when he stops paying you what he owes, more tears?

RoosterCogburn Sat 02-Jul-16 17:52:12

Don't do this - he already owes loan sharks money. Your £100 a week will never happen - it will always be needed elsewhere.

CrazyDuchess Sat 02-Jul-16 17:53:08

If you can afford to write the money off - then go ahead if you so wish.... I wouldn't.

And you should tell your DH. Especially ifyou choose to loan the money

ErNope Sat 02-Jul-16 17:53:42

Loan sharks can't legally enforce a debt. Notify the relevant authorities (Police is a good start) and go from there. Do not hand over a penny.

MrsSpecter Sat 02-Jul-16 17:54:05


This guy is gambling or something. His wife probably has no idea of the level of debt.

Tell your DH everything and dont give this guy a penny.

honeylulu Sat 02-Jul-16 17:54:21

Don't do it! He needs to tell her the truth. If he's that desperate he will just have to. If he can afford repayments of 100 he can use that to reduce the debts. They both need proper advice.

smilingeyes11 Sat 02-Jul-16 17:54:32

And you giving him a wodge of cash, no contract or loan agreement. That will be handy when you need to take him to court to recover your money won't it? He doesn't want you to tell your DH as he knows your DH will tell you not to do it.

Imnotaslimjim Sat 02-Jul-16 17:54:49

Please, please don't do this. Point him in the direction of help. Step Change are a charity for this kind of thing, they will help him. He will probably have to declare bankrupt though so make him ready for that

Rumpelstiltskin143 Sat 02-Jul-16 17:56:09

Don't do this! Support him but don't put money on your card, what happens when he stops paying.

Toofondofcake Sat 02-Jul-16 17:58:05

As someone who sells credit cards to people I can only say -do not take that much cash on your card!
Do not take any out as it almost certainly will not be interest free as almost no companies offer cash withdrawals as interest free it is not the same as a purchase or balance transfer. It is usually approx 23% plus fees.

Refer him to CAB or at the very least speak to your husband about other options but you will get stung if you do this in secret or on your credit card.

fattyfattytoadgirl Sat 02-Jul-16 18:01:31

Absolutely not!!!! No way!!!!!

My guess is he has involved you as he feels you will be more of a sympathetic ear/soft touch than your DH?

Him telling you not to tell DH is just WRONG. How can your BIL ask you to keep a secret like this from your DH? His marriage might be going through problems right now, but he doesn't have the right to put you in this position.

You don't even know how or why they got into this mess. There may be a gambling problem you don't know about. There is nothing to say you'd ever see your money again. He may have every intention of paying you back right now, but things might not work out that way.

The fact BIL is even asking this of you makes me feel he is not facing this problem properly. He needs to take professional advice and follow it.

I don't like the sound of this AT ALL.

I know it's difficult. Believe it or not, I am a soft-hearted sucker and have been ripped off loads in the past. My guess is your BIL can sense this about you (that you have a kind heart) and is ready to use that for his own purposes.

I feel for you. What a rotten place to be in through no fault of your own.

emotionsecho Sat 02-Jul-16 18:02:49

The best thing you could do for them both is to point them in the direction of the help they need. Someone has already mentioned Stepchange, they are very good, also the CAB is good for general advice. They need urgent help to get out of their financial mess and budget properly and responsibly for the future.

You may as well set fire to any money you give them in the long term it won't help.

Tell your dh, is there any way you, your dh, bil and sil could sit down and talk about this and you can support them to get the help they need.

inlectorecumbit Sat 02-Jul-16 18:04:02

No...just No shock

Berthatydfil Sat 02-Jul-16 18:04:40

Don't do it unless you can afford to write it off.
He won't pay you back.
You would be better off advising him to come clean to his wife and then taking him to see some debt advisors.

Berthatydfil Sat 02-Jul-16 18:05:38

And obviously tell your dh.

McBassyPants Sat 02-Jul-16 18:05:54

I think if you really want to or are going to help this guy (who is obviously in a landslide of trouble) you need to insist on honesty and openess. You need to tell your DH and speak to your SIL. Imagine if you do this and he defaults on your payments, how much harder would it be to tell your DH then?

RaeSkywalker Sat 02-Jul-16 18:05:59

Do not give them now my! And yes, I wouldn't keep this from my husband, especially if I was considering making a major financial decision (which this 'loan' ultimately is).

AnyFucker Sat 02-Jul-16 18:06:18

Are you fucking mad ?

RaeSkywalker Sat 02-Jul-16 18:06:32

^ that should be "do not give them any money"

Pinkheart5915 Sat 02-Jul-16 18:07:45

Umm Yes you tell your DH.

In this circumstance if your not able to pay back the money yourself I wouldn't do it because the chances are your brother will not pay it. He is in this mess because his no good with money.

branofthemist Sat 02-Jul-16 18:07:50

Do not give them money.

Definitely do not give them money without speaking to dh.

I would hit the roof if my dh did this

ShortBreadEater Sat 02-Jul-16 18:08:02

You should tell your DH. I would be very upset if my husband had loaned a chunk of money to someone without discussing it with me. Whether it was a big amount to us or not, even if it was his credit card it would still affect our finances as a family.

Whatever the reason for the debt (and having worked in debt before it's likely to be something like gambling if the other partner has genuinely no idea) they need professional help. Stepchange, CAB, and maybe a visit to the GP for help with the stress and even the reason for the debt if it's gambling or shopping addiction.

Good luck OP. He's put you in a tricky situation here, but debt never gets better when everyone ignores it and pretends it's not happening.

TheHiphopopotamus Sat 02-Jul-16 18:09:43

Are you fucking mad?

This. With bells on.

Don't do it unless you don't care about losing the money. He will not pay you back

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