AIBU to be suspicious?

(24 Posts)
Badnight Fri 01-Jul-16 18:19:34

Husband home late last night, about 12:30 after a work do. Comes to bed at 1 and falls asleep and his phone beeps with a text at 1:15 which wakes me up. It's from a woman I've never heard of, a colleague from work I guess - its short & quite innocuous about a work thing but the late timing makes me suspicious, so I unlock his phone and read a series of slightly flirty texts between them that night which are again work based on the face of it, but hint at a planned evening get together in a couple of weeks after work. In the morning I ask him who texted at 1:15 as it woke me up - he's already on his phone by this time - and he says it was his sister and shows me. And yes the last text was from his sister. So he had already deleted the exchange from the night before.

AIBU to be upset by this? I don't feel proud about checking his phone but the fact that he was so quick to lie about who texted him makes me feel very suspicious and sad.

CaptainCrunch Fri 01-Jul-16 18:23:23

Well technically he hasn't lied and you've painted yourself into a corner because you can't admit that you know he's not telling you the whole story.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 01-Jul-16 18:23:52

You're definitely right to be suspicious. You need to tell him what you know and find out what on earth he's thinking. It sounds like this is heading for an affair if it doesn't stop now.

Cabrinha Fri 01-Jul-16 18:26:24

I would tell him you were suspicious after you saw it, and ask him why he lied and deleted it.

He'll say "because there's nothing in it and I knew you'd react like this".

There's a book often recommended on the Relationships board called 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. I haven't read it so maybe ask over there about it? I've seen people say they found it very helpful with their partners.

Whatever you do, don't sit back and do nothing because you don't want to admit to looking at his phone, or because you're scared to face it. If this is an affair about to start, don't let it.

You can approach this from "there are temptations and I don't want it to happen to us" rather than "you fucking just about to cheat bastard".

Cabrinha Fri 01-Jul-16 18:27:21

She isn't painted into a corner.
She just has to tell she lied.
What's worse - admitting to that, or not doing so and ending up losing your marriage?

MollyTwo Fri 01-Jul-16 18:28:30

Yanbu, he's lied and deleted the message. Something is definitely up. Yes just tell him you saw the message.

OohMavis Fri 01-Jul-16 18:30:16

I'd tell him.

"That's interesting, because I looked and it wasn't from your sister."

Nice and simple, not aggressive. His reaction should tell you quite a bit, though to be honest, the fact he's lied and deleted her texts alluding to a 'get together' says everything you need to know.

user1467101855 Fri 01-Jul-16 18:32:35

Well technically he hasn't lied

He said the last text he got was from his sister, it wasn't. How is that not a lie?

BrieAndChilli Fri 01-Jul-16 18:39:02

If you looked a t his phone (and looked at all the past messages) is it possible he doesn't even realise she texted him? Because you looking at it will then stop not showin as a new text?!

glasgowlass Fri 01-Jul-16 18:48:55

Well technically he hasn't lied

Yes he has. He has lied by omission.

OP you need to ask him outright, as pps have said to gauge his reaction. The fact he has deleted the whole exchange is worrying. If all was innocent why would he delete?

I'm not one to condone looking at partners phones, if my OH did it to me i'd be disappointed, but you've done it & can't unsee or forget what was on there. How you take this forward is entirely up to you bit you can't not act on it.

glasgowlass Fri 01-Jul-16 18:52:38

TBH OP you might want to ask to have this moved over to relationships before the usual AIBU bun fight ensues.

Pearlman Fri 01-Jul-16 18:54:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherPrickInTheWall Fri 01-Jul-16 18:55:23

I'd tell him you saw the text. I do wonder if there was a bit of drunken bravado after the social event and can't help wondering that the sender of said message is embarrassed by her actions.
We have all done stupid things after a few drinks.
I'd still keep an eye on his comings and goings, but hopefully this is just a one off.
I understand how unsettling this must be for you OP.

WeMustSurelyBeLearning Fri 01-Jul-16 18:55:24

YANBU to be suspicious. He lied. Sounds like he is in the early stages of an office flirtation/emotional affair which could lead to an actual affair. Is the get together just to 2 of them? That's bad news. Could you wait and see what he says about where he is going when the night out comes? He will probably lie again and that says it all

user1467101855 Fri 01-Jul-16 18:55:56

No, not by omission at all. Who texted you at 1am? My sister. It wasn't his sister. Thats what is known as a lie.

foodiefil Fri 01-Jul-16 18:58:50

YABU. Just tell him you read them and know he's planning to meet up with her - they're talking in code. Ask him why he wants to jeopardise his marriage?

DoesMyMarthaCliffLookBigInThis Fri 01-Jul-16 19:26:11

I wouldn't be suspicious of the text exchange on its own but the lie about who the text was from would raise al sorts of red flags. Has he given you any reason to be suspicious in the past op?

NavyAndWhite Fri 01-Jul-16 19:30:11

Well he's lied because his sister didn't text at 1.15am for a start!

RortyCrankle Fri 01-Jul-16 19:37:34

I would say 'who is the woman with whom you had a flirty exchange of texts which you have now deleted. Then don't say another word. He will squirm and just may tell you the truth. Silence is a wonderful weapon sometimes.

Discobabe Fri 01-Jul-16 19:43:01

Yanhu. Red flags all over it. He didn't want you to see it. If it was nothing he wouldn't be hiding it from you. I like rortycrankles idea.

Crunchymum Fri 01-Jul-16 19:47:09

What time did his sister text? Surely it wasn't at the exact time this woman did?

Do on that basis you can tell him you think he is lying and give him the option to come clean? Something along the lines of "I know the message came in at 1.15am, I have a few concerns and I am giving you the chance to be honest and keep the trust alive"

If he lies then crucify the fucker!!

Fedupd0tcom Fri 01-Jul-16 19:47:19

Yanbu. I'd be concerned. Calmly and politely tell him what has happened and that you saw several messages and ask him what's going on...x

eightbluebirds Fri 01-Jul-16 20:58:39

I'd be suspicious but keep schtum and keep an eye on his phone. Sneaky, yes. But liars lie and if he's lying now, he'll lie when you confront him.

In reality I probably couldn't keep my mouth shut, I'm not in your shoes op. What do you think, could you do some FB searching and figure out who she is?

foodiefil Sat 02-Jul-16 00:16:57

Oops I meant YANBU

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