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DP putting work first

(12 Posts)
Worriednc2016 Fri 01-Jul-16 16:12:42

Namechanged as DP knows my usual posting name.

DP and I are married and we are both males and have 3 DCs.
I am a stay at home dad. DP works full time Monday to Friday. DPs company works with many other countries and DP has been putting in extra hours for the past six months as the company have been asking them to work harder due to the uncertainty around the EU referendum. This means he has been staying late and working many weekends. He doesn't have to do all the extra time but he feels as though he has to take as much as possible and try to help.

The leave vote has created a lot of stress within the company and DP has been coming home grumpy and tired for the past few days. I have been letting him off a bit as I know he is struggling at the moment.

I was supposed to take eldest DC out last weekend for one on one time and DP would be doing a special activity with the others but DP was working so I rearranged for tonight. We haven't had proper one on one time with the DCs for ages because DP has been working so much.

DP called during lunch saying that he was going to be working overtime tonight. I pointed out that we had plans. He said it was too late now as he already said he was doing it. I said fine but when he gets home we need to talk about him working so much. He snapped at me saying I didn't understand and I was being unreasonable and that I should stick to my woman's job and leave working to the real men. I hung up on him.

He has text me since to apologise and tried to call me a few times but I haven't replied yet because I'm still annoyed with him. But I'm also wondering if I should be more understanding about his job.

So was I being unreasonable expecting him to put us first or should I be more understanding?

Mrswelshcacen Fri 01-Jul-16 16:55:52

Is your DP always offensive like that or is it just recently because of work?

NewIdeasToday Fri 01-Jul-16 16:58:24

This has been an incredibly stressful and difficult week for many businesses. And people whose jobs are affected by Brexit will be feeling upset and grumpy.

So I think you need to be a bit more understanding to be honest. Especially since he's probably feeling extra pressure as the only wage earner in the family.

DavidPuddy Fri 01-Jul-16 16:59:31

He better give you a damn good apology for his rude comment, but stress can do bad things to you. Clearly you need to talk and work out some expectations together for how things can work in this stressfzl phase. These situations are never so black and white and although, in my opinion, family comes first, stressful times do happen and as a family you do have to pull together for that.

Please note that I am not apologising for him, I just think that a frank and open discussion can help you both.

He will also benefit from this one-to-one family time. It can be a good tonic in times if stress to realise what it is you are working for.

AyeAmarok Fri 01-Jul-16 17:04:27

YABU as he's the sole earner and that creates a lot of pressure when you have a SAHP and 3 children.

He is being unreasonable, a twat and extremely offensive to women by suggesting that "real men" work and you staying home is just a "women's job". And offensive to you too.

Worriednc2016 Fri 01-Jul-16 18:30:12

Thank you for your replies

I probably should be more understanding I just felt like none of us have seen much of him and the DCs miss him and were looking forward to spending time with him

But you're right he doesn't speak to me like that usually so he must be really stressed.

justilou Fri 01-Jul-16 19:25:08

Have you thought about asking him to bring home a nice bottle of wine so you can both unwind after the herd is in bed? A bit of "Us Time" would be a great reminder to each of you that you're both doing it tough but you're in it together. It's lonely being the SAHP (and often repetitive and frequently feels unrewarding) and being responsible for providing for three kids and the man he loves in such an unpredictable time in history must be overwhelming too. I'll bet he feels just as guilty about not being there for you all as you do for resenting the time he's spending at work instead of with you. Sounds like a mini date night is in order.

Familyof3or4 Fri 01-Jul-16 19:55:52

What he said was rude and offensive and yanbu to be annoyed, but he is trying to apologise.
Speak to him, accept the apology and say again that you need to talk about work-life balance. It sounds like you are being v reasonable to him

NotYoda Fri 01-Jul-16 20:00:29

Is he usually so misogynistic?

holidaysarenice Fri 01-Jul-16 20:02:59

YABU as he's the sole earner and that creates a lot of pressure when you have a SAHP and 3 children.

That is an awful comment and wouldn't be said to any woman on here being a sahp. There would be cries of LTB and go on strike.

Your dp might bring home the money, but he wouldn't be doing the overtime if you weren't there to look after your three children. Ask him what he thinks short notice, out of hours childcare costs for three?

Your partners comment was so far out of line, a full and frank conversation is required and frankly an apology and a lot better treatment of all of you.

Worriednc2016 Fri 01-Jul-16 21:01:58

He doesn't usually speak to me like that and he isn't usually misogynistic.

He is on his way home now and you are all right we will be have a conversation about everything when he gets home.

NewIdeasToday Sat 02-Jul-16 07:57:56

Hope you had a nice evening once he did get home.

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