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AIBU?

Fuming about lack of honesty

36 replies

cafealoha · 01/07/2016 15:52

So, it was move up today at school for my daughter in reception in a double intake school where they decided to mix the classes.

My daughter and another little girl are best friends and the friendship can sometimes be on the intense side. I fully acknowledge this and have tried to encourage my daughter to branch out. There is also a bit of a triangle with another little girl but fundamentally they all seem to like each other.

However today, I happened to walk through the class and overhear the mother of said little girl basically asking why the hell they hadn't been split up.

What I am annoyed about is the lack of honesty on the part of this other child's mother. If she felt there was a problem, I would have supported the children branching out with other friends and I would have tried to encourage this. I frequently speak to another mother about her daughter's involvement in the triangle and we are very relaxed about allowing them to try to sort it out between themselves.

I am really upset about the other mum's lack of honesty about this. She has never once mentioned that there is an issue and I feel that she has been very underhand never mentioning any of this to me. Now I am wondering if there is some sort of problem with my child and I am planning on going in to ask on Monday. I have already had a very open discussion with the teacher about this friendship and she acknowledged that it can sometimes be intense between my daughter and this child's daughter but she did not allude to this being any kind of problem.

I should say, my daughter and the other child in the triangle are second children and my daughter's best friend is a first child. I have definitely worried much less about my second.

Am I totally overreacting here and behaving like a child myself? Honest opinions would be welcome as I can take it!!

Thank you!!

OP posts:

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QueenJuggler · 01/07/2016 15:53

She's not being underhand or dishonest - she's just expecting the school to deal with a school issue without involving another parent. Exactly what she should do.

TheWindInThePillows · 01/07/2016 15:56

I can completely understand why you are hurt, it's one of those wincing moments where you go hot and cold and realise the person is talking about you or your child.

I do think the mum isn't doing anything wrong though, she's asking the school to sort out a school problem.

branofthemist · 01/07/2016 15:56

Yabu. She has decided to deal with it through the school. That her choice and how she deals with it is up to her.

She has obligation to speak to you about it. I wish dds class in primary had 2 classes. It would have been at better for her to be split from one girl in particular. Both Dd and this girl are lovely and best friends the. It's the end of the world because they have Fallen out.

Now they are at secondary and have no classes together they get on much better

AyeAmarok · 01/07/2016 15:56

Yes, you are overreacting.

Chill!

branofthemist · 01/07/2016 15:57

She has no obligation

Tiggeryoubastard · 01/07/2016 15:57

Yes you're totally overreacting. How is she dishonest? She's not lied. I think she is right to want distance between your children if this is how you are.

cafealoha · 01/07/2016 15:58

ouch Tiggery. Wasn't quite expecting that

OP posts:

TheWitTank · 01/07/2016 15:59

YABU. She is, quite rightly IMO, dealing with it through school rather than risk the fall out of a pissed off, defensive parent.

PinkyPlumet · 01/07/2016 16:00

Ignore tiggery op. Some users thrive off making others feel like shit

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 01/07/2016 16:00

It's the school who deal with this kind of thing

She did absolutely the correct thing here ( wonder if she's a MNer)

HighwayDragon1 · 01/07/2016 16:01

Yabu. Parents are ALWAYS discouraged from directly consulting with other parents, it can cause a lot of issues that need not happen.

cafealoha · 01/07/2016 16:03

I suppose I thought that we were friends and I'm a bit shocked that she felt unable to talk to me about it. But then people don't deal very well with difficult issues and feel very awkward about discussing them.

Your reactions are giving me some perspective though so thank you x

OP posts:

MollyTwo · 01/07/2016 16:08

I think Yabu too.
She shouldn't be speaking to you about this as it's the school who has to separate them. What would speaking to you achieve? If the friendship is intense then she's perfectly right to not want the girls to be in the same classes.

Charmed18 · 01/07/2016 16:13

Yes YABU I'm afraid. You don't know what her reasons are but it's the school's business to sort out any issues within school.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 01/07/2016 16:14

Well I have tried to talk issues through with other mums. We rub along ok on the whole. Unless it was actual bullying then I would speak to school. However i have heard of some parents going nuclear if you try and have a discussion. She hasn't been dishonest as such but maybe lacks the social skills to sort it out. I know it's awful to hear your little one being discussed but try not to worry too much. I think I'm reception friendships are more fluid and start to really develop from year one.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 01/07/2016 16:17

I think you'd be out of place commenting on what should have been treated as essentially a confidential conversation. Though I'm a rather nosy bugger and often have to hold myself back on sticking my twopennith worth in but these are usually convos between strangers not ones which concern me on my dc!
You really can't go commenting on a discussion you were not privy to.

VioletBam · 01/07/2016 16:19

I didn't mention to a school mum friend that I had asked the teacher to make sure my DD wasn't playing with hers quite as much. I would never do such a thing.

What could she do about the situation? (bullying and controlling behaviour) nothing! She wasn't there when it was happening.

cafealoha · 01/07/2016 16:20

Thank you for that nice message Tomselleck. A bit of moral support is what I needed. I think this really is a lesson to me about treating my children's friend's parents as friends. I will be keeping my distance from now on.

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RudeElf · 01/07/2016 16:23

Bloody hell!! So a parent cant discuss a concern with their child's teacher without running it past other kods' parents first?

Yab massively U!

user1467101855 · 01/07/2016 16:28

I suppose I thought that we were friends and I'm a bit shocked that she felt unable to talk to me about it

Nowhere is your OP do you mention you are friends.

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2016 16:34

Blimey yes you are over reacting.

Is there really any need to be so involved in your child's friendships?

Also, the other mother did the right thing by speaking to the school if she feels there's a problem.

She's not obliged to speak to you or any other parent and sometimes that's the best and most drama free way.

cafealoha · 01/07/2016 16:37

Sorry, should have mentioned that. I thought we were friends and that's why I'm so shocked that she felt unable to talk to me about it.

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carameljane · 01/07/2016 16:41

HI OP, that's a horrible experience for you.
When my DD was that age she had an intense relationship with a more dominant child that I felt wasn't good for her. The child's mum was a great person and we really hit it off but I just felt instinctively it wouldn't work to try to discuss the issues with the other mum having talked to her about other issues, and I wanted them separated for Y1. So I had a talk to the teacher who said, "look they will certainly be separated because we the teachers have already identified that would be better for the learning and social needs of both of them, and I'm afraid you don't have the right to decide anyway". When the class lists came out the other mum was very upset and asked me to help her campaign to have them together and I just said that if school thought that was best I would support school. This was cowardly and made me feel bad, but I didn't mean any malice. I actually stayed friends with the other mum although the girls drifted apart - in time you can make genuine friends with parents not just for the sake of your kids
Your DD is still tiny - she will change so much and form new friendships and re-establish older ones. I still think it was a nasty thing for you to overhear, but everybody is just trying to do best by their child

Hoppinggreen · 01/07/2016 16:50

My DS is going into year 3 in September and the 3 classes are being mixed up.
I have asked that he not be in a class with a certain other child. I have not discussed this with the parent and I don't see why I should.
I believe that school issues should be dealt with by school, parents tend to be too emotive about it and it usually makes the situation worse if they get involved.

happypoobum · 01/07/2016 16:54

Hi, from a teachers point of view I can tell you I would much rather these things were dealt with by the school than between parents. Things can go Very Badly Wrong.

If you hadn't happened to overhear this conversation you would have been none the wiser. Perhaps other mum should have been a bit more discreet?

Seriously, let it go, and whatever you do don't mention any of it to DD.

I hope caramel post above will make you feel a bit better.

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