to think men cocking stuff up is neither cute nor endearing?

(84 Posts)
DrSeuss Fri 01-Jul-16 09:31:20

I've thought this for a while but a post doing the rounds on FB yesterday brought it back to mind. A dad had sent a child to nursery wearing just dungarees, no top or jumper. Everyone was making comments along the lines of ah, he tried, bless him.
I wondered what people would have said if the mother had done that. Would they have found it sweet or just thought that a parent really should know how to dress a child?
My MIL is firmly of the frame of mind that men's mistakes are cute and funny. She expects me to share this view. If, for example, DH was supposed to pick up DS when I have had DD three days previously and he totally forgets what time school finishes doesn't leave work on time and arrives twenty minutes late, that's really endearing and he should be let off for his mistake.
I initially thought it was a generational thing but it seems not. A friend was unable to move from her bed following major surgery. She got a call asking when someone was coming to school to pick the kids up. She rang her husband who was meant to take care of this. He was thirty miles away, having forgotten. Cue all her friends bar me doing the whole, bless, so cute, so funny, don't be too hard on him thing. if she totally forgot her kids, would they say that?
So many other examples I could give. Why does anyone think it's sweet when men cock up? Why is it funny and endearing when my DH leaves the children's coats three hundred miles away in mid winter? Why does he get a verbal pat on the head? Would I? I doubt it. And guess who had to sort that one out?
If I make a mistake, I sort it out. I don't expect people to say that it's cute.

Somerville Fri 01-Jul-16 09:33:22

YANBU and are totally right.

Pisses me off, too.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Fri 01-Jul-16 09:35:21

YANBU. And the double standards are shocking.

I work and DH doesn't. Yet he gets a pass on all the stuff SAHP are just supposed to do and know. I move around my timetable if there is a school situation that requires me there. You damn well know if it was DH working, and me at home, it would still be me expected to move stuff around!

(To be fair, DH is very good - I would have gone ballistic at the clothes thing!)

MadameJosephine Fri 01-Jul-16 09:37:19

YANBU

I saw that Facebook post and it really pissed me off too. I hate infantilisation of men, it's sexist and outdated

CaptainWarbeck Fri 01-Jul-16 09:39:27

Yeah what a load of crap. Saw that too. How low are the standards for men!

DrSeuss Fri 01-Jul-16 09:40:01

The comments on FB annoyed the Hell out of me. Why is it OK? Why is it cute? Learn to dress your child, mate. I didn't know the first thing about babies but I learned, fast.

FoxesOnSocks Fri 01-Jul-16 09:40:23

I'll go with a YANBU.

I certainly don't find it cute or endearing. Usually think men who can't manage basic childcare prats.

Floggingmolly Fri 01-Jul-16 09:41:34

Do people you know really say "so cute, so funny" when faced with male incompetence? No one I know would find it amusing confused

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 01-Jul-16 09:42:06

I had the same reaction op, it just re-enforces the old stereotype that men are such silly-billys with 'wife work'. What this guy did was useless parenting, plain and simple.

redexpat Fri 01-Jul-16 09:42:31

YANBU.

YoungGirlGrowingOld Fri 01-Jul-16 09:43:52

YANBU - it is infantilising men as a PP said. It's just a reinforcement of the view that all this stuff is women's work really, but bless them for trying eh? <grrr>

BabooshkaKate Fri 01-Jul-16 09:45:06

I just assume they are doing it badly on purpose to get out of having to do it again.

PurpleHatt Fri 01-Jul-16 09:45:09

YANBU. The fucks me off immensely.

Was that the post where, at the start the mother said she usually lays all of the baby's clothes out so her DH only has to dress her. Er, why? Surely as a grown man he's capable to selecting suitable clothes for his own fucking child.

Conversely I find that if men really have their shit together when it comes to domestic and childcare chores, they're seen as some kind of super hero rather than just an actual adult person doing what they should be doing.

DH does most of the housework, the shopping and the cooking. My mum seems to think he's completely marvellous and genius for this whereas you know if I was the one doing these things it wouldn't be commented on.

DrSeuss Fri 01-Jul-16 09:45:17

Oh yes. My MIL finds any cock ups, lapses or basic incompetence by DH charming. Her sister too. And the tale about my friend recovering from an operation is 100% true. Batshit, right?
i do wonder sometimes if it's a defence mechanism. Maybe they have to find it cute or run amok with a meat cleaver?!

loosechange Fri 01-Jul-16 09:50:46

YANBU. Purple Hattie, my mother is exactly the same. DH pulls his weight, but anything /everything he does is considered amazing, and I am "so lucky" to have him.

ClopySow Fri 01-Jul-16 09:51:08

My ex, who worked part time turned up at my work with our baby in trousers that were too small, no socks and wellies. I did the "wtf" face and was given a hard time for being controlling and told i should have left clothes out before i went to work. So, i was supposed to work full time and organise everything at home and not be controlling.

loosechange Fri 01-Jul-16 09:51:37

Bloody predictive text. PurpleHat.

honeylulu Fri 01-Jul-16 09:55:15

YANBU. I hate this too. My mum is like this with my dad and always has been. He won't cook or clean because he "doesn't know how to" and she seems to think it's lovely?!?
It is widespread too even in younger generations. My ex boss (Cambridge educated, highly competent professional) when in mid pregnancy came into work one day and said she'd been exhausted the day before and had a quick lay down when she got in from work and had fallen asleep until 9.30pm. She said "I went downstairs and poor [husband] was sitting on the sofa starving waiting for his dinner as he hadn't wanted to wake me, isn't that sweet? " Er, no, if that was my husband he'd have had a frying pan wrapped around his head (figuratively not actually) for not cooking the bloody dinner himself!

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 01-Jul-16 09:56:38

I 100% agree with you.

But I did see that picture and thought is was one of those trendy romper things that are for hot days and don't need shirts so didn't really understand the picture

brotherphil Fri 01-Jul-16 09:56:39

Expecting men to cock up, and thinking it's cute, are sexist and patronising. Men are just as capable of parenting as women - these prats need to extract their digits.

honeylulu Fri 01-Jul-16 10:00:26

I will confess to being chastised for a milder example recently. Was having breakfast or with husband and our youngest when a man arrived at the next table with twins approx one year old. I remarked "he's brave bringing them out for a meal on his own". Husband retorted "you wouldn't have said something like that if they were with their mum - we are not all incompetent you know! " He was right and I felt quite ashamed actually.

snorepatrol Fri 01-Jul-16 10:03:09

Yanbu
I have to ask dob of children where I work and dads who don't their child's dob are always told 'it's ok dads never know these things'
Can you imagine if a mum sat there and said she didn't know when her child was born I don't think they would get the same reaction somehow.

It's like men are patted on the back if they remember things like anniversaries birthdays holiday dates etc why shouldn't they remember these things.

IceBeing Fri 01-Jul-16 10:08:37

I really REALLY have to think to work out DDs birthday....I agree that this gets my the 'my what a shit parent you are' look.

Also, because DH is SAHP, when DD gets in a scrape it is him she runs to. This also goes down badly with everyone.

I would have been so fucking embarrassed if I couldn't get DD out the door with the correct clothing on though. Water, food, clothes and toys I could definitely manage at any point.

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 01-Jul-16 10:12:46

I once got flamed for saying this but I don't really care.

If you want to be an equal parent then act like one, be a parent and do not defer to the expertise of the other parent because if you do you are placing them in charge of parent stuff and you will not be equal ever.

Fwiw. I have a friend who is a lone parent of one child he's nice enough mostly he's a ok parent occasionally he needs help from services for not being ok, I try to help him as much as I would help a femail friend in the same situation but no more.
He gets women fawn over him when out and about about what a hero he is and how wonderful it is that he has his child what an amazing person he is and they fall over themselves to help him on busses in shops everywhere.
It's crazy.
Did anyone ever say that ever in the history of the world to a woman just because her partner left didn't cope and social services brought the child to him.

On the other end of the scale the childs mum has suffered some horrendious abuse including but not limited to being physically spat on in the street because she left her baby

Did anyone do that to a man who jumped ship ever?

Sprink Fri 01-Jul-16 10:15:03

Actually, I'd have said a mum bringing one-year-old twins to a restaurant was brave as well. shock

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