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I know I am, but WWYD?

(39 Posts)
whatamockerywemake Wed 29-Jun-16 23:40:52

My DD has been part of an extra-curricular thing for the past 8 years. The thing she does is fabulous value when you break it down to how much you pay per hour (works out at a couple of quid), but is bloomin' expensive over a year (over 300 per term, so over a grand a year). It didn't used to be, but it's now a lot of money for us to find.

This is probably irrelevant, but most of the other people who do this "club" are at private schools. She's one of a very few state school kids who does this in our area.

Through no one's fault, she's missed about 1/2 the classes since Easter. And (our fault) but she's heard me and DH muttering to each other about the waste of money. So she's announced that she doesn't want to do it next year. We gave notice to them, and they sent a lovely message begging us to reconsider. So I was totally honest and said it was great value, but a lot of money for us to find.

The lady running it has come back and offered to pay 1/2 the costs if it means DD keeps coming.

This is the loveliest compliment ever (and actually made me cry). DD is chuffed to bits that they want her (and I don't think she actually wanted to give up in the first place, although she'd never admit that - and her reasons for giving up were valid, as she starts GCSE course next year and is worried about how much work she'll have to do).

The thing is, I think we'd be morally wrong to take the money. To put it into context, when DD first started doing this we earned good money (well, DH did). We've managed to pay off our mortgage (amazing, I know!) and now we've both taken jobs that give us more time (to spend with DD), but low income. We had a period in our lives where we were able to take 3 holidays a year (which was AMAZING). This year we're still going away, but it's once, my DM is helping and it's for one week only because that's all we can afford.

But I genuinely appreciate that even having enough for a holiday is fabulous. I work with some genuinely poor people (who use food banks, and struggle to clothe their DC appropriately and have atrocious living conditions) so I see every day what having no money really means.

So I feel we should decline the offer. because we CAN afford it. But, tbh, it's accept and have a long weekend away next summer or reject it and don't. I know this is very, very first world. But WWYD?
We NEVER asked for any help. We just quit and then when asked explained why.

But if we take this money, are we depriving someone in proper need?

Would you accept this offer?

Sorry that this is so long!

whatamockerywemake Wed 29-Jun-16 23:41:19

(from the title) - BU

HeddaGarbled Wed 29-Jun-16 23:49:14

How about you accept it for now and then if someone using a food bank etc wants to do the activity (unlikely), you can start stumping up again.

manicinsomniac Wed 29-Jun-16 23:51:40

No, take it.

Your DD must be really talented or they would have just said 'what a shame' and let you go. They're a business, there's got to be benefit to them in having your DD.

I'd think of it as a scholarship

mymatemax Wed 29-Jun-16 23:53:33

Firstly does dd want to continue?
If yes, can you afford to pay?
Don't over think it, if she wants to do it & you can afford it politely decline saying you have been able to find the money.
If you can't afford it accept the act of kindness, could you perhaps offer to help out in some way as a thank you?

BeenThereTooSEL Wed 29-Jun-16 23:54:13

I would accept the help. Think of it as karma. Maybe you could "pass it forward" somehow?

ApocalypseSlough Wed 29-Jun-16 23:56:38

Don't overthink it. Accept the discount, enjoy the savings and one day, somehow (perhaps by dd volunteering when she's older?)
'pay it back'

whatamockerywemake Thu 30-Jun-16 00:00:23

DD was chuffed to bits to think they want her (which is why I said in my OP that I now realize she didn't want to give up in the first place).

I just think someone like me shouldn't accept handouts... In a nutshell, we're not living in emergency accommodation (like many of the people I work with), we can put food on the table (unlike many of the people I work with) we can clothe her appropriately (unlike many of the people I work with). But it is a struggle for us to pay. But it's a struggle we can do, so I'm feeling because we CAN do it, we shouldn't accept help.

And there isn't "competition" from the poorest around here, because they're too poor to even consider doing this activity in the first place (so, by taking the money we're not actually depriving anyone), but it's more a matter of principle iyswim?

Thank you for the replies though... it was a lengthy post (but I've been agonising over it a lot today!) Sorry for being so 'first-world'!

Haggisfish Thu 30-Jun-16 00:02:30

I would accept offer too-the person running it wouldn't make the offer if they couldn't afford it. Repay society some other way.

BeenThereTooSEL Thu 30-Jun-16 00:02:57

What if you gave £10 per week or something to the food bank? £10 is a lot easier to find than £300 and it means you'll be paying it forward?

But honestly it's good karma. Enjoy that their are lovely people in the world smile

BeenThereTooSEL Thu 30-Jun-16 00:03:51


BeenThereTooSEL Thu 30-Jun-16 00:04:28


VioletBam Thu 30-Jun-16 00:10:30

Take it. My DD got a bursary at her small private school. We were both in work but the fees were a stretch so we told them we had to remove her....we COULD have scraped up the money but it would have been hard. We accepted because the HT wanted DD to stay.

grumpysquash3 Thu 30-Jun-16 00:20:17

What is an activity that poor people can't do?
If it's £1k per year, is it music lessons? Or drama/singing/dance?

BastardGoDarkly Thu 30-Jun-16 00:21:46

Take it! It's no skin off the clubs nose , and like you say, you're not depriving anyone worse off by accepting.

Dd gets to do something she loves, the club get a talented member, and you and dh aren't struggling to find the money, there's no losers.

whatamockerywemake Thu 30-Jun-16 00:33:33

There is NO activity poor people can't do, grumpy (good name for you, btw).

And not one single thing in life a poor person can't excel in (and I spend hours - paid and unpaid - in supporting people to achieve to their potential, whatever their circumstances). But there are many, many things poor people don't even consider because when you're debating about whether to eat or not, or who eats, or how to have clean clothes because you're not allowed a washing machine in temp accommodation or when your DC only have one set of shoes and they're not suitable for the weather conditions you don't spend too much time considering whether it's music lessons or drama/singing/dance. Hence my guilt.

And why should I reveal details of DD's activity when that's potentially identifying? Why would you ask that? Your post helps in no way at all.

Thank you to everyone else for what you're saying. I think I thought I'd be more flamed, though. I REALLY want to accept this money, as it would help us out massively, but I do feel it's morally wrong. Should I declare I'm actually Jeremy Corben in RL????

p.s. I'm not!

FantasticButtocks Thu 30-Jun-16 00:35:15

This offer tells you that your DS should continue with the activity. So either you accept the offer for her sake, or you decide to pay for it yourselves if your conscience dictates. But the bottom line is that your df should be able to continue the activity. And good for her for offering to give up something to make things easier for you. So whatever your decision is should be based around what is best for her.

FantasticButtocks Thu 30-Jun-16 00:37:03

I did put 'dd' but my phone changed it to ds

whatamockerywemake Thu 30-Jun-16 00:37:28

Fantasticbuttocks, I love your post. Thank you! You are absolutely right.

I bet your ass kicks butt!

FantasticButtocks Thu 30-Jun-16 00:39:09

And also to df confused

FantasticButtocks Thu 30-Jun-16 00:40:39

Oh good, you knew what I meant, despite the typos flowers

CoolCarrie Thu 30-Jun-16 00:47:57

Take the offer and pay it forward in some way. We were in a similar position for a while, and decided to go with the offer and paid it forward by helping a friend of my brother's to study and become a nursery school teacher. You will be able to find a way, without guilt.

WTAFisgoingon Thu 30-Jun-16 01:01:59

I agree with PP's. Accept the offer and give some money help to a worthy cause.

LauderSyme Thu 30-Jun-16 01:15:38

Take the money and forget the guilt!
It would be morally wrong if you were literally taking the money from one of the terribly poor families you describe.
But you would be taking it from a "club" supported very largely by families who are well-off enough to send their children to private school.
At the moment you can't afford it; it's irrelevant that you could in the past.
Think of it as a bursary.
Think of it as your contribution to raising this club's consciousness of the moral rectitude of making themselves inclusive and accessible to every sector in society, including the disadvantaged and underprivileged, for whom you clearly have deep compassion.
Here's to your DD's future fun, joy and success!

EttaJ Thu 30-Jun-16 01:37:34

YANBU. Definitely take it. You sound lovely and very genuine. Your DD is obviously very highly thought of. There are piss takers and you don't sound like one of them.

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