AIBBU here (breaking away from toxic inlaws)

[AuntieMeemz]

After putting up intense emotional abuse from MIL for many years, we are now in the process of dis-engaging. (phew, feels good to say that). Stage 1 is to cut down on get togethers. However, as we do this, the relentless pressure to attend next weekend.birthday,BILs visit, etc etc is becoming even more intense. The bullying, threatening phone calls etc are intensifying. The more excuses we make for not attending the more intense it becomes.
We absolutely must attend x or y, if we don't, we are not decent people, rejecting our family, far too sensitive,avoiding our family responsibilities,rejecting those who love us, being selfish, being intolerant,preventing our children being a part of their family.rejecting MILS kindness etc. I'm really starting to doubt myself!
If we do attend, I can guarantee that at some stage, she will ball across a room or street at the top of her voice, booming a command that I must obey instantly. The more we ignore it, the louder she shouts! She absolutely yells at the top of her voice, shrieking that my behavior is wrong in some way. DH always attempts to stop her, by trying to just make her calm down, but she often attacks when he is out of ear shot. He makes her stop and sides with us, but she torments him then with talk of how pathetic he is,how he would never survive if it wasn't for her, etc. As he stands up for himself and us, she becomes worse and worse.
The last straw was last week, when she was yelling across a restaurant car park at me about my behavior (I'm a full time working mum, and generally fairly socially acceptable-most of my friends, family, colleagues etc don't seem to have the same problem with me) , and my children hid in the bushes. As usual, people stopped and just stared at her. I kept telling her to stop, she walked off shrieking about the doom that will now befall me.
What gets me the most is after these outbursts, she wants to carry on as if nothing has happened, and tells me I mustn't be too sensitive and must learn to tolerate other people..
(don't even ask what's going to happen in stage 2!!) when we are going to cut all financial ties and move to a smaller house-yikes!

[DonkeyOaty]

I would skip stage 1 and go straight to stage 2 tbh

[ArmfulOfRoses]

How many stages are there?
Whichever the last one is, do that.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

I agree with Donkey.

[DeathStare]

Why are you and DH engaging with her when she does this?

Just ignore and walkaway or put the phone down. She's not your child. When she has a temper tantrum you are not responsible for calming her down and getting her home safely

[RaeSkywalker]

Walk away, now!

[redexpat]

I would also try and record the abuse. Keep texts, emails. Just as insurance. And can you speed up the process of becoming financially independant?

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

You are going about this all wrong. You have to skip to the stage where you're not exposed to the nuclear fall out otherwise what's the bloody point?

[AuntieMeemz]

stage 2 is to remove her and FIL from our financial affairs (they got involved when DH was ill and it was a big mistake, we soon found ourselves in a situation we didn't want to be in-we should have stood our ground and followed our instincts). The hard part is moving from our lovely house. We can't afford it and to accept their money puts us totally at their mercy.
We have prepared to put our house on the market and started looking for our new one. It will break my heart to leave such a lovely house, but I will go insane if I have to deal with these people any more!

[lcoc2015]

She sounds mentally unhinged. Go to the final stage inmediately.

[rwilkinson84]

I know you will miss your house but it's definitely not worth all the hassle you're getting now.

She sounds like my FMIL a bit and the best thing to do it just not rise to it, don't engage, put down the phone, walk away because then she has absolutely nothing on you.

It's a pain and it's upsetting for you, your DH and the rest of your family who all get along but unfortunately these things happen.

[redshoeblueshoe]

Well just get it on the market, and if possible look far far away for a new one.

[Berthatydfil]

I'm assuming they have loaned /given with strings attached a sum of money to help "help" blackmail you.
Can you put the house on the market without her finding out?
Do it if you can asap if possible and don't tell her until the day you move, hand her a cheque and wave bye bye

[AuntieMeemz]

Thank you everyone for your help. Estate agent is calling today.
Bertha you've hit the nail right on the head.
We've decided not to go to her VITALLY important birthday gathering (to which any decent, moral,caring/tolerant/non oversensitive/ responsible family member would attend) this year, so will have the notebook ready to record the ugliness. I'm pretty certain that when she realises we won't deal with her anymore, her 'help' will stop very abruptly.
Almost every single gathering has been ruined by her barking commands at me, shrieking across the room, ordering us about etc. Strangely, when we challenge her the abuse becomes hysterical, vitriolic screeching, ( I keep my tone calm as long as I can,and take a deep breath, but my heart is absolutely pounding) and everyone just stands there speechless.
I know she is unhinged, and her family, though obviously quite damaged by it, seem to brush it under the carpet. They say it's her age, however, if anyone could see the malevolent, steely stare when she starts on me, they would know it's not just age.

Anyway, onwards to freedom! My new life awaits.

[RaeSkywalker]

If I didn't know better I'd think you are describing my MIL. I know what you mean about the stare!

Glad that you're taking such a proactive approach- I hope it all goes well.

[Berthatydfil]

Good luck with the estate agents

[chickenowner]

You poor thing! I hope that you cut all ties quickly and are all able to recover.