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AIBU to ask you if staying with this man is a mistake?

(302 Posts)
MsConsuela Wed 29-Jun-16 12:53:26

Please be patient and read to the end if you can!


1. One of the two people in the world I can really be myself with
2. My best friend since years- I tell
him everything, he's my confidante apart from my mum.
3. I trust that he won't cheat- this is big for me, because my ex cheated and all the men in my family cheated, so that insecurity never left me. I value the open line of communication we have and how honest and patient he is with me.
4. I don't want children and it's impossible to find men my age who don't want them either. He's ok with not having them and he never pressures me on this
5. I have anxiety and temper issues- he's very patent and understanding with it.


1. He is an absolute miser. Doesn't spend on anything other than bare essentials.
2. He has taken me out one exactly ONE date since we have been together.
3. Because he is such a miser we barely go anywhere- he never eats out or goes to the cinema and this makes for a rather boring life.
4. I am not one of those entitled people who expects her bf to spend thousands on her- AT ALL. But he is the sort who will ask me to pay him back even £5 and he has never bought me anything (except chocolates on my birthday and an occasional pack of crisps)
5. He isn't very encouraging of my work. Now to be clear, he isn't a chauvinist who expects me to stay home and cook (in fact he does all the cooking), but at the same time due to his general negative attitude he's always telling me I won't get the promotion or the project.
Basically, I don't think I've ever gotten a well done on anything from him.
6. This is a big one- he's into some risky investments (that aren't even allowed in his profession) and it really really bothers me.
Since we are a couple and if we look at a future together how can I be with someone who is usually a miser and then gambles his life savings and reputation and job away? It doesn't make sense and when I told I could t live with it, he said he couldn't stop for at least a year.
7. We don't agree on how much to spend on rent and it's going to be impossible to find a place together.
8. He lives at mine but never cleans anything other than kitchen(because he's the one who mainly uses) and doesn't help pay the bills.
9. While he always looks after me when I'm sick, he doesn't offer to come for doctor's appointments etc unless I insist. Recently I had some traumatic medical procedures for which I went alone, and I felt very unsupported then.

I have seen some positive changes in him in terms of going out and doing things that make me happy- but very little.

His risky investments can potentially damage my reputation at work too if they come out and that causes me a lot of anxiety ( I won't give details here)

I do love him, but my friends are sick of me because I'm always unhappy and moaning about something or another.

This results in me nagging him constantly and us fighting.

I don't know what to do.

My background is very complicated. I have nobody except my Mum and she lives in another continent.

I've been alone here for six years and the idea of being alone again isn't appealing

As pathetic as it sounds, I liked the idea of someone other than my mum being there for me.

I'm damned if I leave and damned if I don't/

What should I do?

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant Wed 29-Jun-16 12:55:36

LTB ~Seriously.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Wed 29-Jun-16 12:56:21

Leave, your life sounds miserable.

acasualobserver Wed 29-Jun-16 12:56:26

Have you posted about this situation very recently?

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant Wed 29-Jun-16 12:56:59

I am single and I would love to be part of a loving and equal relationship. But I would rather be single than tolerate this.

Somerville Wed 29-Jun-16 12:57:34

Yes, staying with him is a mistake.

ElspethFlashman Wed 29-Jun-16 12:57:57

He lives at mine and doesn't help pay the bills.

What the actual fuck are you thinking?????

LilQueenie Wed 29-Jun-16 12:58:17

get out he is a user by the sound of it. He is a miser who puts himself first and pays nothing towards his own upkeep nor does he do anything for himself.

Shouldwestayorshouldwegonow Wed 29-Jun-16 12:58:45

The one real question you need to ask is 'do we have fun' when that is a no, then go.

WannaBe Wed 29-Jun-16 12:59:17

Well, the fact that your list of cons is double the size of your list of pro's says it all doesn't it?

And no, you can't be yourself with him because you like to do things, go out etc but his refusal to spend money means that doesn't happen. So no 1 on your list of cons cancels out no 1 on your list of pro's.

If you're always fighting then he doesn't make you happy.

SuperFlyHigh Wed 29-Jun-16 12:59:21


MollyTwo Wed 29-Jun-16 12:59:40

What is wrong with youconfused this is a no- Brainer. How can you even attempt to justify this. Stay with him if you fancy a miserable life, but that is a choice you will be knowingly make. Seriously don't settle for this.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Jun-16 13:00:43

He's what I call a 'FUN SUCKER'
He will suck the life out of you too!
He already is.
I always try to see the good side if there is no abuse involved.
But... this is no way to live. Can you imagine this for the rest of your life??
You have nearly twice as many CONS - it's a no brainer!!

Numberoneisgone Wed 29-Jun-16 13:01:27

Leave. My mother gave me the best advice ever when I was single. Contrary to popular advice relationships are not about constant compromise they are about 2 people getting what they want 95% of the time and compromising 5% it has stayed with me and serves me well. You sound like your relationship is full of compromise.

bombayflambe Wed 29-Jun-16 13:02:06

'You are my best friend and I hope you always will be, but being a couple isn't working out for us.'

bombayflambe Wed 29-Jun-16 13:04:35

..or re-establish boundaries so he goes home? Make it more of a FWB arrangement so you both wake up in your own beds and get the space you need?

MouldyPeach Wed 29-Jun-16 13:04:59

His list of pros are not niche ones and can be found in many suitable potential partners I'm sure. Plus a whole lot more. Don't waste your life settling, and perhaps find other ways to not be lonely that don't involve being in a relationship

miaowmix Wed 29-Jun-16 13:08:38

Mistake. He sounds miserable as sin! Get out now.

expatinscotland Wed 29-Jun-16 13:11:47

Oh, FFS, this man is a sponging user who could fuck up your career with his 'risky investments'. He's selfish and mean. You need to kick him out.

Msqueen33 Wed 29-Jun-16 13:12:56

If you're writing this on mumsnet now and your list of doubts is that long I think you need to call it a day. Christ imagine signing up to old misery guts for the next 50 years. My ex was my best friend and I confused in just him but in the long term we weren't remotely suited. Leave now

Jackie0 Wed 29-Jun-16 13:13:48

Don't waste any more of your life on this loser , you deserve better , you just have to believe it

Dozer Wed 29-Jun-16 13:15:42

Miserly but risking his money and livelihood on silly "investments" and happy to cost YOU money by "living" at yours. Does he even have his own place?

Run for the hills.

MsConsuela Wed 29-Jun-16 13:17:52

Right so let me explain the bills again.

Because we couldn't agree on a place that we both liked, we have each kept our flats.

He lives at mine but pays rent and council tax for his flat too for the time being.

Some friends have told me that he should still contribute to bills at my place and help with cleaning etc

MouldyPeach Wed 29-Jun-16 13:20:03

Bet he'd have you paying bills if you'd moved into his and kept your own place on though, right?
If he's there all the time then he's gone beyond guest status. Who pays for groceries?

BeckywiththeGoodHare Wed 29-Jun-16 13:21:07

Did you post about his illegal trading recently? Sorry if you didn't, but the advice there was that your professional reputation could be dragged down with his if he was found out - and it stuck in my mind because it was so unanimous and rather chilling.

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