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To feel this way about my daughter?

(271 Posts)
emmamaw Wed 29-Jun-16 11:44:08

I'm sitting here crying like a baby over my 11yo dd. I struggle to say dd - as in dear daughter. We've never really been close. Shes the eldest of 3 and often says she wishes she'd stayed an only child. She hates her younger brother (8) and often loses patience and snaps at her baby sister (3). I think she hates me too. The way she speaks to us all is dreadful. I know children are self-centered but she really has no care or consideration for anyone in this house. Every day I wake up dreading what mood shes going to be in. All she cares about is going on the phone/tablet/pc to talk to her best friend and watch videos. I know thats probably pretty normal but if anything gets in the way of that the whole household suffers. If she doesnt want to go somewhere she will purposefully ruin the whole day. We sometimes have to leave her behind when we do day trips etc. just so that the other dc dont miss out. Its like she hates the world around her and wants everyone to know it. Shes always saying she wishes she could go and live with her best friends family, and I truly believe she means it.
This morning I said we would go to town after school, just the two of us, to buy her holiday clothes, as she says she hates what I buy for her and really kicks off if I make her wear them. She shrugged her shoulders and said 'whatever'. Then i found some new underwear I'd bought her hidden behind her bed. When i asked her about it she looked me straight in the eye, and with utter contempt said 'i dont want to wear anything you buy me, and i dont want to go anywhere with you, ever!' I just saw red and smacked her. It scares me sometimes the hate that boils up inside me. I just feel so wretched over her. Shes been like this for years and weve tried everything we can think of. I have great relationships with my partner and other two dcs. I just feel like she ruins everything. She hates me and nothing i do seems to change that. I dread coming home from work and often stay late because I know there'll be trouble as soon as i walk in. I cant live like this for the next seven or whatever years.
How do you learn to live with someone who hates you?

HomerSimpsonsStubble Wed 29-Jun-16 11:48:04

Do you spend time with her alone? I don't believe any child hates their parents.

Could you do a love bomb week with her without her younger siblings? Cinema, dinners, shopping to her and let her talk to you.

Grumpyoldblonde Wed 29-Jun-16 11:55:01

I have an 11 year old, she 'hates' me too - often. I love her with every bone and fibre of my being but she tests me daily. I have to organise 'mum and daughter time' times when it is just us, shopping, walks, cinema, and I listen to her and bite my lip at any backchat. It helps a lot, I know she is a bindle or hormones and confusion . Your littler ones need you in a practical sense more than she does, she is struggling between being a young child and growing up. I agree with the love bomb technique.

DonkeyOaty Wed 29-Jun-16 11:55:11

This sounds complex and multi-layered - a lot of unpicking will be needed, probably professional help would be advisable

Is your partner her father? Her birth - traumatic? Did you have PND?

You don't have to answer any questions btw.

Grumpyoldblonde Wed 29-Jun-16 11:55:36

bindle - bundle!

emmamaw Wed 29-Jun-16 12:04:27

I try, and if she agrees to go along (sometimes she refuses) well have a nice time. Shell come home all excited telling everyone where weve been, what weve done. Then shell want to raid the cupboards/go on the pc all night/something i wont/cant let her do and all hell breaks loose. I try to be the adult and not get drawn in to arguments. I try to remind myself shes a child and still developing her social skills and try to be understanding whilst still keeping her secure with boundaries but it doesnt work. Its like she genuinely wants to hurt me to get a reaction. I try not to give in but sometimes shes just so nasty and troublesome. Wed never get out the house in the morning if if was up to her. She wont even let me brush her hair and often looks like a tramp.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Wed 29-Jun-16 12:05:49

She is probably like it because she is picking up on your feelings for her. You actively avoid her, stay at work late, leave her home for days out with her younger siblings who she resents! I'm not surprised she is like the ways he is towards you, she will be able to sense your dislike for her.

My aunt wasn't nice to her eldest, she clearly preferred her youngest. In fact so did my other aunt. It was painful to see. None of them have good relationships now the children are adults and my aunts wonder why they don't bother with her. The dislike and ambivalence for their own children was obvious to outsiders and the children would have easily been able to pick up on that.

LizKeen Wed 29-Jun-16 12:06:11

She is 11 and you are the parent so you are the one who has to break the cycle. And it is a cycle. You are feeding off each other.

I can understand why you reached the conclusion that you should leave her behind on days out, children like this can be so draining, but that is just a massive rejection to her and no matter how much she says she hates you all, she must be in pieces inside watching all those around her have loving relationships that she is outside of.

You have to teach her how to love and be loved. You have to show her what a mum daughter relationship is. What a sibling relationship is. Leaving her out is not the answer.

You also need to stop taking what she is saying personally. She doesn't hate you. She hates the situation. She hates this isolated world she is in. She is lashing out at you because you are her mum. You are the one who should love her unconditionally. It is so important that in those moments, more than others, that you show her that love.

I have been there. I know its easy to say and hard to do.

emmamaw Wed 29-Jun-16 12:06:29

Donkey - yes, yes and probably yes. I agree her birth and our lack of bonding may be the root cause but i acknowledge that and make extra effort because of that. I feel like its thrown back in my face.

bibliomania Wed 29-Jun-16 12:08:08

This situations seems deeper than the usual "my pre-teen is driving me crazy" scenario. Would you be able to look into any kind of family therapy? It might be worth checking with Relate in your local area to see if there's something they can do.

emmamaw Wed 29-Jun-16 12:09:41

Beyourself - we dont leave her behind through choice she refuses to come with her. If we physically force her to come shell refuse to get out the car when we get there.

I try so hard to treat them equally.

corythatwas Wed 29-Jun-16 12:09:45

agree that it sounds as if multiple layers need unpicking, possibly with professional help

it could be something in her distant past, it could equally well be that she hates the changes in her body, fears growing up, and projects her hate and fears onto the nearest female adult, the one she is afraid of growing up into

ds, though never as bad as this, was not particularly pleasant to dh at this age: it got a lot better once he had passed through puberty and was beginning to feel used to his new identity as a man: he seemed to realise a) that he had turned into himself, not his dad b) that being his dad was not actually such a bad thing

StealthPolarBear Wed 29-Jun-16 12:10:15

Does anywhere offer parenting courses in your area? Not suggesting your parenting isn't up to scratch (and I have younger children so wouldn't dream of judging!!) But as a pp says it might be a way to break the cycle.

emmamaw Wed 29-Jun-16 12:11:15

Biblio - ive thought about that but didnt know if it was 'serious' enough iyswim?

VioletBam Wed 29-Jun-16 12:11:34

My 11 year old also hates me and doesn't want to come out with us etc.

I don't take it personally. She's hormonal. Also....if she doesn't like the clothes you buy, then it's time to let her choose her own.

I have little say in my DDs clothing...she never chooses inappropriate things and is given a budget when we go shopping...she tries things on which I suggest if she likes the look of them but mainly, she finds and chooses.

corythatwas Wed 29-Jun-16 12:12:12

sorry, see that this thread has moved on and my post is no longer relevant

absolutely agree with other posters: you have to try to unravel this, whether on your own or (maybe better) with professional support

Grumpyoldblonde Wed 29-Jun-16 12:12:13

Can you be honest with her? I mean have a conversation along the lines of how sad you feel that you don't seem to be getting along and that she seems unhappy and is there anything you can do to make things better? I have had similar conversations with mine, making clear that the onus is totally on me to make things better and it does work at least short term. It is exhausting and upsetting but honestly she sounds fairly normal for a girl of that age finding her way into a new stage, puberty, periods soon.

Somerville Wed 29-Jun-16 12:12:40

Is everything good and fine at school? Can she control her emotions there?

corythatwas Wed 29-Jun-16 12:14:09

One thing: would she be able to handle a bit more independence? By this age, dd was buying at least some clothes herself. As she wasn't allowed to go to town on her own (disability-related) she started taking little brother as a companion; everybody agrees that I am the world's worst shopping companion.

emmamaw Wed 29-Jun-16 12:16:57

In terms of general parenting advice ive bought the books, tried the techiques. I dp agree that its more about our personal relationship. Im stick between 'im the adult and i have to shower her with love and bite my lip and not take it personal', and 'ok i can't take any more she needd to understand what is acceptable behaviour and what wil not be tolerated in this household'.

ficbia Wed 29-Jun-16 12:19:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmamaw Wed 29-Jun-16 12:20:14

Were trying to give her more freedom. She goes to secondary school in september and will need to go there and back herself. I dont think aje has much street sense so were building it slowly. She does have shocking taste and no real personal groomibg standard but i try to let her pick from a few options.

Iamworried2016 Wed 29-Jun-16 12:20:50

My 11 year old is everything you describe and worse. She is spiteful to her siblings , nasty and rude to me, violent and stroppy. Shes lazy, unfocused and just miserable for no reason.

She ruins days out, the whole atmosphere in the house is dictated by whether she is happy or not, I dread her kicking off, it takes hours to resolve it.
I have no answers, I treat all mine the same, if anything I bonded with her more than my others and she was always extra special to me as I had a dangerous pregnancy with her, I can only say she is disappointed with me and I'm tired of it. I barely get conversation from her, I have tried days out, time alone, talking, everything. I'm at my wits end. Today she kicked me and told me to fuck off outside school because I asked her where a letter was that I should've had by now.

I feel your pain. The only consolation I find is that she is only like this at home and/or with me. To everyone else she is sweetness and light so there is a nice girl in there somewhere!

ficbia Wed 29-Jun-16 12:22:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LizKeen Wed 29-Jun-16 12:23:46

My 7 yo picks her own clothes. Sometimes I think stuff she picks looks awful, but if its not inappropriate then what is the harm?

Your taste is different to mine, mine is different to the next persons. Your DD doesn't have to share your taste. You really need to pick your battles and having a battle over clothes seems like a waste of time among all the other stuff, don't you think?

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