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To ask what you would think of me after this??

(51 Posts)
Namexchange Wed 29-Jun-16 08:49:56

I really do want honest responses no matter how harsh but have name changed as this is quite revealing.

DS has a disability not life limiting but requires special equipment. 2 years ago I mentioned to a "friend" that we were saving for special equipment he needed that would cost around £5000. She suggested we do a sponsored event. I mentioned it to other friends who were all more than happy to do something and we settled on a bike ride where friends would get sponsorship.

Friend A then went into overdrive and started organising various events. She is very "out there" and controlling which I came to realise. I thought it was lovely at first and I was overwhelmed with the response. People were coming from all over and not just pledging £5 but £50 - £100 at a time. I even had strangers come up to me in the street and hand me £20.

I was so far out of my comfort zone and it was having a huge effect on me mentally. I asked friend to calm it down a bit but she dismissed me and continued pasting it all over Facebook!

The events came and went, DS got new equipment with £3000 paid, we got thank you cards sent out and flowers to friend for organising. About a week after, friend text me (clearly meaning to text someone else) the text was basically stating that I was ungrateful and DS didn't even need equipment etc.. I didn't know what to say but the guilt of having my friends pay and the stress of the previous months took their toll and I had a break down.

There is no doubt in my mind that friend told this same thing to anyone who would listen. Children are at the same school and I feel uncomfortable just taking my children to school.

It has gone on for 2 years now and although I am recovered from the break down I can't shake this worry that everywhere I go people are thinking I am this money grabbing bitch! Especially since I went AWOL and removed myself from Facebook after the breakdown for months while "friend" was left to point out that I had grabbed and run!

Would you think that I did that? If so can I put it right? I really need to move on!

OurBlanche Wed 29-Jun-16 08:54:44

Well, if I knew you and your DS I would think she was batshit.

If I didn't then my opinion wouldn't matter.

What you need to do now is to live well. Love your DS, re-build your confidence and zest for life.

Do you know anyne who would be willing to help you get out and about more? Someone who knows what has gone on and would be up for helping you?

cosmicglittergirl Wed 29-Jun-16 08:55:52

That's terrible, has anyone else ever said anything to suggest that they think this?
Are you certain that text was about you?
I think I'd either leave it, people who know you and your child will surely realise that he received equipment that he needed. The other option is to send a message to everyone who was involved stating your thanks and perhaps something about how your son has benefitted from everyone's generosity. No need to explain yourself I don't think.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Wed 29-Jun-16 08:56:37

I wouldn't think that. I hope those she may have spouted such poison to actually have the measure of her and take no notice. I'm sorry you were made poorly by the experience. Keep your head held high flowers

RedHelenB Wed 29-Jun-16 09:00:10

I(n retrospect maybe if you;d have out a picture on facebook of your son and the equipment as part of the thank you s no one would have queried it.

StealthPolarBear Wed 29-Jun-16 09:00:37

Bloody hell. Is there anyone who knows the truth who can stick up for you.
She sounds like an overpowering character and I can easily see how this happened.

coffeetasteslikeshit Wed 29-Jun-16 09:03:04

I agree with Our Blanche. If you were a friend of mine and I heard this woman saying this, I would think she was very strange. I mean, why do all that fund raising if she thinks your son doesn't need it? And of course, I would know that he really does need it so that makes her doubly weird.

Have you thought about going back on FB and posting about how well your son is doing with his new equipment, and how grateful you are for everyone's generosity? That might shut her up? Or do you feel like it's too late? I would do it anyway.

user1465823522 Wed 29-Jun-16 09:11:06

That's awful. Talk about showing true colours. Try not to worry abou it.

Arfarfanarf Wed 29-Jun-16 09:13:23

sounds like she wanted a bloody mbe or something. No doubt she was supposed to be hailed a local hero, get her name in the paper, have everyone say how simply marvellous she was, you were supposed to call her daily and tell her you don't know how you survived life before her...

She did not do what she did for you, to help you, to help your child. She did it for personal glory. Now she's playing poor me not appreciated look at all I did...

If you can see it that way, then you might be able to feel more like you can disregard her.

You sent thank yous, you did all that anyone could reasonably have wanted.

The fact she wanted a ticker tape parade and the key to the city is not your problem. That's about her.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 29-Jun-16 09:13:46

I like the idea of a photo with said equipment -- and 2 fingers up 😉--

Namexchange Wed 29-Jun-16 09:15:38

Thank you. The thank you cards were a picture with DS and his new equipment. A lot of people that know us have just rolled their eyes at her behaviour as it is half expected.

The text was def about me as she named me. There was also a load of random insinuating Facebook comments which everyone would have known was about me considering how involved she was and it would have been obvious at the school gates that we no longer spoke which is the reason I came away from it.

The thing that has made me question it now is that 2 years later people are still making comments towards it. My other DS has been part of a club for several years and the club manager supported DS through this also by holding a raffle. DS1 has decided that he no longer wants to be part of the club and manager said he was disappointed "after everything they had done for DS2"

DailyMailEthicalFail Wed 29-Jun-16 09:16:15

I would put a post up on FB saying how much your son is STILL benefitting from the equipment that so many lovely people so kindly contributed to. With a pic if you can bear it.

You shouldn't HAVE to, but it might give you peace of mind as it so obviously shows evidence that this friend is batshit.

I have known people like this. I think they start out well but take you on as a 'case' and project all sorts on to you. When you don't then act as they think you 'should' (sometimes you can/cant) they can become very aggressive indeed. It happens online in support groups too.

Sorry you've been through this.
You have done nowt wrong - hold your head up.

BipBippadotta Wed 29-Jun-16 09:18:17

Your mate sounds completely bizarre - and that won't have escaped people's notice. if she's been making these sorts of comments to people it will be fairly clear to them that she's being backstabbing and poisonous (not to mention hypocritical, having organised all the events herself)!

Really sorry this has been so stressful for you, OP - but glad your DS has the equipment he needs. Nobody who's worth knowing will be anything but happy to have contributed. flowers

DailyMailEthicalFail Wed 29-Jun-16 09:18:30

Sorry, OP, x posts.

Well, if the pic was out there at the time this makes it even worse!

You could still repost if you wanted.

The remark from the Club was awful.
Your Ds is not something they 'invested in' and need to see a 'payback' for.
He is a person. Who had needs they CHOSE to contribute to. He benefited.

MaryPoppinsPenguins Wed 29-Jun-16 09:19:04

Has no one seen you or your DS in the two years? Cab you not just prove you have it? (Maybe a photo as others have said...)

Namexchange Wed 29-Jun-16 09:20:13

It just makes it bad as I always sponsor people but do £10 here and there or if we are really close then £30. When i looked through the list there were people I barely knew from the school who had paid £50. And it is these people who have heard her saying this. My friends know the truth and close friends know the aftermath but I have kept silent with these people. I smile and say hello and they do smile back though! Some ignore me.

BipBippadotta Wed 29-Jun-16 09:21:55

The person who runs your DS's club sounds like a wanker. Holding a raffle for someone out doesn't mean you own them, fgs. Children grow up and move on and develop different interests - that's entirely normal. Don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed!

Cathaka15 Wed 29-Jun-16 09:23:55

If you have the equipment and sent out thank you cards. I don't see why you you should be worried. Maybe open your Facebook page with a picture of the equipment and a little note to say how happy you are with it and grateful for all the donations.

FeelingSmurfy Wed 29-Jun-16 09:29:57

I don't know you but I do know people going through a similar thing and (please ignore the generalisation) I find that people in your situation are often battering on alone and worried about begging (it is NOT begging, but I know my friends see it in that way) and that it is there child so they should provide for him/her

I have practically had to force these two friends to let me help, to get them something that cost less than a takeaway etc, I also got one to set up a page for donations for a piece of equipment, she had so many people following her daughters progress that if half of them donated £1 it was paid for. She did it in the end and she raised far more than needed, which went towards other equipment. She would never do it again because she has done it once, she worries a lot how it looks though

Do you know what would make me feel my money had gone to a good cause? A photo of your son using the equipment. This is far better than donating to a big charity, these people get to see where that money has gone and the change it has made to his life or your family life. That means far more than an extra takeaway or coffee this year. It also means 100% of the donation has helped someone rather than going on paying wages and advertising

I would think (partly through experience of people in your situation) that you spend every day battling and you finally let people help, and I would be glad my money had made such a difference

FeelingSmurfy Wed 29-Jun-16 09:33:41

Just seen your updates

I think the personal touch of a Thankyou card with photo would make me over the moon!

I would rejoin Facebook etc and post new pictures of the equipment still being used and write an honest post (maybe put it here first and we can help you with it) about why you left and how things were/are. Thank people again for their help but just a quick sentence about it, they won't want you on your knees bowing down to them

BipBippadotta Wed 29-Jun-16 09:35:36

Don't let differences in sponsorship make you feel bad. For some people £50 is nothing and they'll donate it without thinking. For other people £50 is a lot of money, but they want to donate it, and do so of their own free will. You didn't make anyone do anything, you have no responsibility for their choice, and you've thanked them for it really nicely by the sound of things. You have behaved graciously and that will be clear to people.

thirdeyee Wed 29-Jun-16 09:41:44

Most people will think she is a banana I reckon, as surely someone as over bearing and two faced is like this with other people too. Your son uses the equipment and needed it, most people will see that and be pleased to have helped. If you feel brave enough you could go back on FB and post an update like others have said saying how much your son has benefited and still benefits from the equip and that you took a break from FB as you were sad to see some people making unkind comments about him not needing it. The club is being ridiculous as a raffle for med equip doesn't equal lifetime devotion does it!? Kids drop out or change interests as they grow and it is to be expected.

amidawish Wed 29-Jun-16 09:41:53

she is nuts. what she is doing/saying will reflect way more on her than it will on you.
people only donate what they can afford so don't feel guilty.

i agree you should do an update on facebook how much he is benefitting from the equipment, thanks to everyone who made it happen.

maybe block the crazy woman. her issues really aren't your problem. hard i know but you haven't done anything wrong, don't let her tell you otherwise.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Wed 29-Jun-16 09:43:38

Oh love, try not to let it upset you still.

I'm as gobby IRL as I am on here, so I'd be lettng everyone and their dog know how she'd taken over, pushed & pushed then started saying horniest things because you told her to stop. Be loud about it.

However, others would just maintain a dignified silence.

Some lucky ones would have friends to spread the truth.

No matter what - those that matter know the truth.

loosechange Wed 29-Jun-16 09:44:18

Much sensible advice already given, I won't repeat it.

Two things struck me. You have no control over what people give/gave. If they choose to give £50 without knowing you, that amount was their choice, you didn't even make a suggested donation to influence it.

It also struck me that half the playground mums I read about blank someone according to what day of the week it us / their mood /who they are standing next to.

I think posting a Facebook update might give you peace of mind, but other than that I would try to move on, leaving your "friend" in your past, with her own issues.

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