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Need advice on DB, DN to be and his ex

(17 Posts)
SenoritaViva Tue 28-Jun-16 18:44:54

I am unsure whether I am doing the right thing.

I have a brother in his mid forties. he is extremely bright but also very difficult. He lives a pretty hedonistic lifestyle, is an alcoholic. Hadn't really worked for a year but spends a lot of money (no idea how!). That's his business and I am far removed from it.

He also has a history of being emotionally and verbally abusive to my parents. He has ruined family events before and then re writes history to his own advantage. As a result he has never apologised for anything. That aside, when he chooses to he can be loving, kind and enigmatic.

A year or two ago he started seeing someone who was the daughter of a friend of my parents.

More recently his girlfriend got pregnant, to say he struggled with adapting is an understatement, he left his girlfriend telling her he didn't and never did love her (the last part unnecessary I feel) and went travelling for a while.

Now for my aibu. Is it unreasonable to have a relationship with his ex in order to see have relationship with neice or nephew/ grand child? My parents see hers socially and We found out about pregnancy at 4 months via her family. he doesn't like the idea I suspect because he doesn't have control, thinks we talk about him (we don't particularly) and because he can't compartmentalise his life. He also thinks loyalty should be with him and perhaps he's right but we're unlikely to see much of his child.

One of my worries is that he says ex gf is playing games, don't want us to be 'played' by her - DB lies so I don't know if this is the truth and don't know ex gf well.

I hope I've included enough info, I don't want to drop feed but the matter is so complicated. I was on good terms with him until a few years ago but have distanced myself as he wasn't there when I went through terrible times and more recently I find it difficult to get over the hurt and stress that he causes my parents.

SenoritaViva Tue 28-Jun-16 18:54:42

So long. Sorry. blush

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Jun-16 18:56:56

He wants you to put him first over an abandoned pregnant woman and her child?

He's selfish, immature and a liar. Yes, keep a civil relationship going with him if you want to, but spare more time for the others he's damaged.

ChicRock Tue 28-Jun-16 18:57:21

Your brother sounds awful even without what you said in your OP about how he treated his ex.

I'd be offering the ex as much support as I could and your brother could fuck right off.

Finola1step Tue 28-Jun-16 18:58:47

In your shoes, I would do whatever it takes to be the best Auntie I could to that innocent baby. Not their fault that your brother us a dick.

And if your brother doesn't like it and wants you to choose between him and the baby....choose the baby.

SenoritaViva Tue 28-Jun-16 18:59:20

I would but my parents want to always keep an open door for him. I see their point he is their son. But they want to see their grand child too and I predict even more abuse... sad

Birdsgottafly Tue 28-Jun-16 19:00:11

Who deserves the most thought, him or what will be your newborn DN?

He's shown that he considers himself only responsible for himself, would the relationship with him, be that much of a loss?

Even if so, that would be his choice.

SlowJinn Tue 28-Jun-16 19:00:35

Your brother is a prick. Stand by the pregnant girl and offer her and your niece/nephew support. Neither she, nor her child, will benefit from having an immature alcoholic in their lives. They will benefit from having a loving and supportive sister-in-law/auntie though.

Birdsgottafly Tue 28-Jun-16 19:02:04

""I would but my parents want to always keep an open door for him""

That's fine, the balks in his court. I doubt (speaking as a Nan), that your Parents would build a relationship with their GC, then just abandon him/her.

SenoritaViva Tue 28-Jun-16 19:04:19

You're right birds but he stopped speaking to then for some years a while ago (after a torrent of abuse). They live in fear of this happening again but I hate that they are so beholden to him.

SenoritaViva Tue 28-Jun-16 19:05:28

And thank you all for relocating, I feel less unjustified in perusing a solid relationship with ex (who seems lovely) and new neice/nephew.

thrillhouse Tue 28-Jun-16 19:05:43

That baby deserves a loving family. And if you and your parents want to build a relationship there then do it.

I've heard of too many kids miss out on grandparents because their father is a waste of space. Don't let it happen.

SenoritaViva Tue 28-Jun-16 19:05:48

Relocating?? Sorry. Replying!

QuiteLikely5 Tue 28-Jun-16 19:10:59

So he cut her off when she announced the pregnancy and you are wondering if he is telling the truth about her being awful? confused

That woman does not realise how lucky she is that he dumped her.

Your brother was not born abusive either so you need to double check your family dynamics

His cash flow? Your parents

Good luck on becoming an aunt

SenoritaViva Tue 28-Jun-16 19:32:27

Quite likely - interesting comment about family dynamics, can I ask what you mean?

SenoritaViva Tue 28-Jun-16 19:33:52

And do you mean he cut her off because she is awful? He has a history of lying which is why I don't know, not just about this.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Tue 28-Jun-16 20:24:42

And do you mean he cut her off because she is awful? He has a history of lying which is why I don't know, not just about this.

I don't know for sure as I am not them but I strongly suspect that the other poster is saying:-

1. The awful behaviour is to cut off your own child
2. If she was so awful why didn't he leVe her before?
3. If she is that awful, why is he leaving his poor innocent child with her?

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