NC because this is massively identifying so if you recognise me, please don't let on.
Jokey title but not feeling very jokey. Actually feeling completely awful and like I just want to give up on life.
I am so, so, so tired. Like down to my bones. I have s chronic pain condition that is becoming increasingly debilitating and limiting and my GP surgery isn't particularly supportive, preferring to just throw painkillers at me which are less and less effective.
I feel like I lurch from one life crisis to the next. Two years ago I lost my mum very unexpectedly; I've just found out that my dad has a terminal condition. He already requires a lot of support from me and this is only going to increase. My marriage has broken down and I'm RP for two gorgeous kids who need a lot of support too. I'm in the middle of a really demanding degree course and due to circumstances I cannot defer so I have to keep going. I've just moved into a new house and it's chaos because I just don't have the energy to sort and unpack things.
I feel like I'm failing as a mum, student, daughter, girlfriend, the whole lot. I'm always lauded for being 'so strong' but I don't feel strong, I feel like I'm breaking. I lost the plot and started sobbing today over something completely insignificant, and was apparently really snappy to my other half, so he's just given me a lecture about how he's not going to put up with me taking my issues out on him and has gone out. I've fed the kids pasties and oven chips for tea because I didn't have the energy to stand and cook something decent. I've not been to see my dad j. Hospital for 2 days as its a 1.5 hour round trip and I just don't have it in me to do it right now. I'm letting everyone down and I feel guilty ALL the time.
I would never, ever do anything daft because my kids rely on me but I honestly just want to die. I want to not be in bloody pain and feel like shot all the time. I can't tell my GP how I'm feeling emotionally due to the negative impact it might have in the career I'm training so hard for.
I just want to not be everyone's everything all the time. I want to feel healthy and alive and not have everything in my life turn to shit. I want to feel proud of the lovely kids in raising instead of feeling they'd be better off with a better mother.
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AIBU?
To basically think fuck everyone and go live in a cave?
6 replies
TahitiBeattie · 28/06/2016 18:42
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