To basically think fuck everyone and go live in a cave?(7 Posts)
NC because this is massively identifying so if you recognise me, please don't let on.
Jokey title but not feeling very jokey. Actually feeling completely awful and like I just want to give up on life.
I am so, so, so tired. Like down to my bones. I have s chronic pain condition that is becoming increasingly debilitating and limiting and my GP surgery isn't particularly supportive, preferring to just throw painkillers at me which are less and less effective.
I feel like I lurch from one life crisis to the next. Two years ago I lost my mum very unexpectedly; I've just found out that my dad has a terminal condition. He already requires a lot of support from me and this is only going to increase. My marriage has broken down and I'm RP for two gorgeous kids who need a lot of support too. I'm in the middle of a really demanding degree course and due to circumstances I cannot defer so I have to keep going. I've just moved into a new house and it's chaos because I just don't have the energy to sort and unpack things.
I feel like I'm failing as a mum, student, daughter, girlfriend, the whole lot. I'm always lauded for being 'so strong' but I don't feel strong, I feel like I'm breaking. I lost the plot and started sobbing today over something completely insignificant, and was apparently really snappy to my other half, so he's just given me a lecture about how he's not going to put up with me taking my issues out on him and has gone out. I've fed the kids pasties and oven chips for tea because I didn't have the energy to stand and cook something decent. I've not been to see my dad j. Hospital for 2 days as its a 1.5 hour round trip and I just don't have it in me to do it right now. I'm letting everyone down and I feel guilty ALL the time.
I would never, ever do anything daft because my kids rely on me but I honestly just want to die. I want to not be in bloody pain and feel like shot all the time. I can't tell my GP how I'm feeling emotionally due to the negative impact it might have in the career I'm training so hard for.
I just want to not be everyone's everything all the time. I want to feel healthy and alive and not have everything in my life turn to shit. I want to feel proud of the lovely kids in raising instead of feeling they'd be better off with a better mother.
Sounds like a logical response to an extremely difficult set of circumstances.... Maybe make yourself a pillow fort and hide in there with a cup of tea?
Bloody hell, I have a chronic pain condition too (it sounds very similar to yours) and there's no way I could cope with all that! The fact that you're staying afloat at all is amazing, you should be really proud of yourself!
Can you ask your GP for help with something safer, like pain management? Have you been to a pain clinic?
You can only do your best, you have no reason to feel guilty.
Btw, I picked out a cave location years ago
I really would talk to your GP. Feeling overwhelmed and needing some support should not have a negative impact on anything. You are human, after all, and not a machine.
Aside from that, this sounds Iike a very good time to sit down and work out your immediate priorities. I also suffer from chronic pain (and fatigue), and when things are bad, I only have two immediate priorities: food and laundry.
And yep, pasties and chips is fine as food when you can't do anything else.
So,what can you let slide now without immediate disastrous consequences? Can you, for instance, batch cook a couple of times a week so the rest of the time it's just heating stuff up? Would finances stand an occasional takeaway? Could you take a break from studying whilst your dad.is poorly ? Or can you look into getting him alternative care? Anyone to help with childcare? Think about everything and then research options to make dealing with it easier.
And, I'm sorr, but your other half is a bit of a dick. If you can't turn to him when you are at breaking point, then what is he good for ?
And best of luck. I've been there, and I'm still standing. You can too.
Sounds very very hard.
- try posting on the health board here to talk to people with the same pain condition as yourself. I've seen many people share tips about things what helped them and things that made a huge difference.
- call the ward your father is on, if you cannot talk to him - ask the nurse to tell him you're poorly and you'll see him on xxxx day and time
- be kind to yourself
- take Vit D tablets, they may well boost your energy levels (lots of ppl on MN recommend)
Thank you everybody, I really appreciate your kind words.
My sister and I are investigating some kind of external support for my dad but he's not going to like it one bit snd I foresee a battle. He prefers us to do things for him and I honestly do as much as I can but I live 45 minutes drive away and am restricted in how often I can make the journey. DC's dad is very good but his variable schedule means he can't fix the days he has the kids and it's hard to plan (he does take them as often as he can and at least 1-2 nights a week).
I will check out the health board. I really need to go back to the GP and ask them to formally diagnose me as opposed to 'it's likely to be...here, have done codeine'. My DP thinks I should apply for PIP (mobility) and a blue badge to ease financial pressure and make life easier but I feel guilty about that too, because I'm a dick.
I can't defer my studies - my university has ceased offering my course at my campus and I'm in the last cohort to study/graduate there. Deferral means transferring campus and it's not feasible with childcare etc due to the distance and also the other campus is very inaccessible re:parking and would be a nightmare.
I'm already on vit D as i'ce been diagnosed as deficient in it but may investigate upping my dose. I've also started taking magnesium.
I really appreciate all the suggestions and I'm feeling a bit less out of control about it all just for venting.
Sorry life is so hard for you just now. Pasties and chips are yummy and a very good dinner for kids! Beans on toast are also very healthy. Also pasta with pesto.
Your dad will have to get used to the idea that you have numerous demands on your time and, although he's a priority, your kids depend on you more than he does. He's an adult; he'll get there. He'll have to.
It's great that you're doing a course, and although it's a bit crap that you can't defer, it's just a matter of getting through to the end. You can do it, because you have already done some of it, and that means you are capable of finishing.
And yes, do apply for PIP and a blue badge. The CAB can help. And be prepared to fight for them, because from what you've said you need and deserve them. And no, you're not a dick.
Guilt is life-draining. You don't deserve to feel guilty because actually you're amazing. There are people with absolutely no health issues who would struggle to manage all the things you're managing. Instead of feelings of guilt, you deserve congratulations and accolades.
I hope there is no one who judges you as harshly as you're judging yourself. Judgy people can definitely fuck off.
I hope you can patch things up with your partner. If he's generally supportive, things should get easier again. If not... make him live in the fucking cave!
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