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to feel guilty about leaving 15 month old?

(15 Posts)
blondieblonde Tue 28-Jun-16 14:07:14

We have two kids. The youngest is a 15 month old baby. She is very attached to me, and still breastfeeding. As a result I have managed to get out a flexible deal with work so that I work part time and also in the evenings, and sometimes from home. When I go out to work my husband, the kids' dad, looks after her.

I've organised all that because she is so attached, to give her the easiest possible time. I always comfort her when she cries and she still sleeps right next to me in bed. She cries even if I go to the toilet (leaving her with her dad - who is an excellent dad).

When I do go out to work, for a few hours usually but sometimes longer, she copes but I come back to find her very frazzled and sort of angry with me, even though she's been with her dad.

AIBU to leave her with her dad while I go to work? Feel so crap that she always cries, even when I go swimming for an hour etc.

blondieblonde Tue 28-Jun-16 14:08:32

Sorry, that should have been 'get' or 'sort out'.

brummiesue Tue 28-Jun-16 17:53:34

Its up to you of course but I think you need to calm down a bit with the whole attachmentvparenting, shes 15 months not 15 weeks!

lenibose Tue 28-Jun-16 17:56:38

I have to say that's a bit unusual. Of course they have separation anxiety but in some ways I would argue our role in life is to both comfort them and also make them independent in tiny ways (ie be able to cope for the 2 mins it takes Mummy to pee).
I breastfed for 13 months. I co slept. But I also went back to work at 7 months. My work would simply not have been that understanding so you are lucky yours are.

lenibose Tue 28-Jun-16 17:57:45

Also of course you want her to have the easiest possible time. But she also needs to develop some resilience even if it's coping with another parent as a carer for an hour.

arethereanyleftatall Tue 28-Jun-16 17:59:25

I would argue the opposite - you need to be leaving her more. This dependence isn't good for her.

Iguessyourestuckwithme Tue 28-Jun-16 18:03:03

I will probably be in the minority here, but I think you need to support your husband in forming a stronger bond with dd. She is 15 months old and so should be able to be left with him without it causing her any anguish. Think of it as supporting her in the future by helping her now.

Iguessyourestuckwithme Tue 28-Jun-16 18:03:18

I will probably be in the minority here, but I think you need to support your husband in forming a stronger bond with dd. She is 15 months old and so should be able to be left with him without it causing her any anguish. Think of it as supporting her in the future by helping her now.

Parker231 Tue 28-Jun-16 18:05:08

She needs to learn that you will be coming back. Leaving her for short periods of time more frequently might help you both. Are you planning to send her to nursery? My DT's went from six months and coped well. I often had to work away from home but they were happy with DH and other family members. Thankfully (for me) they were always pleased to see me when I returned home.

Absofrigginlootly Tue 28-Jun-16 18:32:01

YANBU.... If you need to go out to work, you do! She will be ok and like PP said, she will develop a stronger bond with her father.

I do get what you mean though. You will get all sorts on here now telling you to get a grip/stop pandering/she needs to learn blah blah..... But my DD is similar. Very attached, almost insecurely so, even though I've been with her practically 24/7 since birth and she's 20 months now. It's just her temperament. Some DC are more easy going and naturally independent than others.

It's a hard balance to find between acknowledging and being sensitive to their VERY REAL anxieties and insecurities (which deserve to be respected!) and gently challenging them to widen their horizons and learn to cope with a certain level of anxiety/change etc.

Sounds like you're doing great

Dontyoulovecalpol Tue 28-Jun-16 18:39:12

Bless you OP it's very hard. What does she do whilst you work though? I think you are making a lot of concessions (it must be exhausting to log on after all day with them when everyone is winding down) but if you and your employer are happy then it sounds ideal.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys Tue 28-Jun-16 18:45:57

Its been a while now since my DS was a baby (nearly 30 years), however my opinion for what its worth is that I would suggest starting to extend the periods you leave your DD. I'm thinking of both of you as she will need to become more resilient, but in a gentle way that doesn't shock her, so to speak. Its important for you to have time away from DS as well, without you, yourself become fretful and anxious, which your DS will pick up on when you see her. I think extending it just bit by bit can only help.

Booboostwo Tue 28-Jun-16 20:10:10

My DD was the same. If you had described her to me before I had her I would have said the parents were hysterics who created this dependence, so serves me right!

I had to gauge DD's tolerance to being left at every step of the way. She wouldn't stay with anyone else, at all, not even DH and ideally she needed body contact with me, until 9mo. Things got a bit better around 18mo and she, very very gradually, managed to tolerate a couple of hours at crèche.

She also got very stressed and clingey if forced out of her comfort zone, e.g. if I left for half an hour she would be clingey for the rest of the day, if I left for the day she'd be clingey for the rest of the week.

Cope with it as best you can. In my experience you can't force or Rush DCs with this temperament, out of it, you just have to wait it out.

blondieblonde Tue 28-Jun-16 20:18:31

Thanks for your kind answers everyone, reading with great interest!

It is exhausting to work in the evenings after looking after the kids all day, yes.

Chinashoes Tue 28-Jun-16 21:04:11

Bless you op, sounds like you are doing your very best to make things work, well done and please don't be feeling guilty. You have no reason to!
My DS is 13 months old and is at home with my DH two days a week (has been since 6 months old). He is also still bf and has had periods of getting very upset about me being away - whether it's away for the day at work or just leaving the room to go to the loo.
A couple of things have really helped us. One is that I always say a very clear goodbye to him. My DH tells him "mummy is going to work now, we're going to say goodbye to mummy". Then they come with me to the door and we do loving but quite quick (so not overly emotional) goodbye kisses and waves. We always do it the same way so it has less uncertainty for him. Apparently it's also less frightening than trying to sneak off and the baby not understanding what's happened.
The other thing I do - and I think the two are connected - is to always tell my DS "mummy will be back in 3 hours" (or however long it is - could be five minutes for going to the loo). Then when I get back i always say "see, mummy came back just like I always do". Over time I think this message has gone in and will continue to, and it makes me feel better too.
It might be worth trying something like this with your DD? For sure her need to be near you is just part of who she is right now - she's still practically a baby after all - but some reassurance of this nature might help her to feel a bit more secure. Good luck!

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