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AIBU?

To refuse this "meeting" with STBXH

12 replies

inabizzlefam · 27/06/2016 22:59

I moved out of the family home in March after starting divorce proceedings in January.
STBX offered me £10,000 which equates to 5%. I "humoured" him by verbally going along with this offer as I needed his financial help to move out (£1,100). However, I stupidly thought that, once he had been to see a solicitor, they would have put him in the picture about what a fair financial settlement would be. Clearly not. He accused me of wanting to steal his house off him when I picked the 3 DCs up from "his" house at the weekend. Should add I hate it when he brings this shit up in the car with the DCs in.
I told him he had to make a formal offer, in writing, through his solicitor to my solicitor, but he wants us to have a "chat" at the family home tomorrow evening.
I really do not want to do this. I offered to go to marriage guidance whilst we were still living together AND mediation, both of which he refused. I know it will upset me being back in the family home, comparing it to where me and the DCs are now living (small and miles from their friends) which will put me at a disadvantage as he always gets his way when I blubber.
Also I don't see the point in trying to come to a "fair" financial settlement with someone who refuses to see that 5% to me and 95% to them is not realistic.
AIBU to refuse this meeting and just tell him that all financial talks must go through our solicitors with him complaining of the cost to him for every letter, meeting, etc?

OP posts:

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Inertia · 27/06/2016 23:02

Refuse, he's trying to bully you into submission.

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WorraLiberty · 27/06/2016 23:05

Refuse and tell him you'll only discuss it via email, so you have evidence of any conversations.

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Dungandbother · 27/06/2016 23:06

Absolutely refuse.
If you need to talk it's neutral ground and no alcohol. So preferably not a pub.

5%. Bollocks. Start 50 and aim for 70 depending on whether you stopped working or not to have DC.

Ignore him. Whilst smiling at him.

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inabizzlefam · 27/06/2016 23:19

I realise I shouldn't have given him the impression that his original offer was fair, but I just wanted to move out as the atmosphere was stifling and I needed him to be my garaunteer ( never could spell that correctly) to move into private rented house. So I played along, thinking that any solicitor worth their salt would have gently pointed out the blindingly obvious to him. Sadly his solicitor seems to think it is a fair offer and has shown "suprise" that I want more.

OP posts:

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VestalVirgin · 27/06/2016 23:25

Refuse the meeting.

Not sure what else the problems in that marriage were and if he was abusive in other ways than financially, but most women who are murdered by their husbands are murdered while they are in the process of divorcing.

If you have to meet with him, do so at a public place.

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MLGs · 27/06/2016 23:27

His solicitor almost certainly hasn't said that. But he is under no obligation to tell you what his solicitor says.

Don't discuss it in terms of "my solicitor says X, mine says Y". In fact if he's such a bully, don't discuss it with him at all. Just get the solicitors to write putting you/ his proposals in writing.

Have you thought of mediation, with a neutral firm of solicitors or a barrister acting as mediator? I think this can save quite a lot of cost in the long run.

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BeckyMcDonald · 27/06/2016 23:27

There's no way his solicitor thinks that's fair. He's bullshitting you.

Do not meet him. Just don't.

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MLGs · 27/06/2016 23:29

Ah, I see your post says STBX rather than STBXH. If you weren't married I don't know what the rules are, but I gather from MN that it very much comes down to the particular situation and who owns what.

Advise about solicitors/mediators still stands though.

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MLGs · 27/06/2016 23:30

Dah! Advice, not advise.

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Hillfarmer · 27/06/2016 23:38

Don't feel guilty about humouring his risible first offer - you did what you had to do to get out. There's nothing in writing, there is nothing he can hold you to - he's just trying to bully you. Leave it to the solicitors. He is not reliable and I would definitely NOT meet a hostile STBX on their home turf.

He also has to stop 'negotiating' in front of the dcs .Tell him that is unacceptable and that you won't talk about your relationship or finances in front of them or anywhere. Stick to your guns! It is outrageous that he brings anything up in front of them. Just say 'it is unacceptable' and refuse to talk to him.

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Rainbunny · 27/06/2016 23:39

Stay strong, above all do not lose your temper, make it clear that his solicitor needs to deal with your solicitor, there will be no informal meeting between you. End of discussion. If he acts out and loses his temper etc... makes notes of your encounter whether in person or over the phone. He can shout, demand and lie to you all he wants (and I'd keep notes about what he asserts to you as well) but this will be settled by your lawyers and the divorce courts not according to his demands. If he tries to make any trouble with your landlord (just a thought as he was your guarantor) make sure that your solicitor is made aware - it will reflect badly on him if he does.

I don't know your circumstances but with children in the picture remember you are fighting for a fair deal for them, not just yourself! Good luck!

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inabizzlefam · 27/06/2016 23:40

No it's definitely STBXH, married 16 years and 3 DCs.
Thanks for reminding me about women + divorce = murder I kid you not, I wouldn't put it past him as he is obsessed with money.
So you think his solicitor will have told him his offer is not on? That leads me to think he IS trying to manipulate me which is why he wants me to meet in the family home.