To refuse birthday presents from my LO's grandparents?(143 Posts)
So long story short, my other halfs parents are not in the picture what so ever, but still call themselves nanny and granda. They live in Ireland so can't see her every day but they've only seen her once, for 3 days when we took her over at 8 weeks old, and she's now 11 months old. Even before she was born they would never come here to see us, we always had to go to them which was obviously a lot easier before baby came along. They refuse to come here because it's too much hassle, they're having work done to their house and use that as an excuse every time. They've never once text/called asking how she is, what she's up to ect, they only find out through Facebook, I've since blocked them and my partner doesn't upload anything so for about a month they haven't even seen a picture of her. They don't speak to us at all, haven't contacted us for about 2 months now. I am absolutely livid and it infuriates me thinking about it, because they've got 2 grandkids over there, our daughter is completley forgotten. His mum will constantly put stuff on Fb about how she's taking the grandkids out for dinner, buying them clothes, having sleepovers, how much she loves them, and never a mention of her granddaughter. My parents on the other hand are great with her and absolutely adore her.
So it's LO's birthday coming up and we invited them to come and stay with us and be here for her birthday and party, to which they turned down simply because they can not be bothered. So that for me was the last straw, no more contact whatsoever. As far as we're concerned she has her family here, they are just her daddy's family, not hers. So I'm sure they'll send a card and maybe a present, but I'm not having it and not opening it. Am I being too harsh? In my eyes, they don't deserve to be her grandparents.
I can see why they might not visit due to not wanting to travel, hassle, cost etc but there's no excuse not to ring/text/Skype.
What goes your dh think?
They've a decent bit of money, always going for nights out, going for dinner ect. His mum doesn't even work so they've no excuse whatsoever. He's really upset about the whole thing because they've completley pushed him out of their lives. He moved from Ireland about 4 years ago to be with me and it's just been a slow decline of communication and now it's just nothing
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Why did you block them on facebook? It seems like they were using that as a way to stay in contact. Were they actually using facebook to be abusive to you (in which case fair enough) or did you just block their preferred method of contact because it wasn't your preferred method?
And yes you would be being harsh to turn down a present and card for your LO. They clearly are doing something to try to maintain a relationship - just not in a way that meets your preferences
You say that they aren't interested yet you are sure they will send a gift. That doesn't sound disinterested.
What does your DH think about your proposal to refer to them as his family but not his DD's family?
OhTheRoses, there is absolutely nothing in the OP's post to suggest either PIL has ASD (ASD stands for autistic spectrum disorder, so saying the 'ASD spectrum' makes the second spectrum superfluous).
Fed up for people automatically equating being a dick to having ASD. They are not synonymous!
Surely them sending presents would be a good sign?
Sounds like your trying to block contact rather than working to encourage it.
No they're not autistic at all.
I blocked them because of the amount of attempts we made to see them and tried to book flights to go over and they weren't interested. We'd send countless messages and never got a reply. They simply don't care. They're too wrapped up in their other grandchildren. And it probably is me because 'I took their son away' but why take it out on my daughter?
But they were keeping in touch, via facebook. Does your DH phone them? The phone works two ways he can call them as well as they can phone you. I think that in most relationships there is always one person who takes charge and makes the first move. If it bothers your DH then perhaps he needs to make more of an effort?
There will always be a distance when you live in different countries and of course they have a different relationship with their grandchildren who live closer to them. I think you just have to accept that your child will have a different relationship than the other grandchildren and from your parents. I do think going NC is an extreme reaction.
Has your DH tried to talk to them about how he feels?
I understand OP. Dh's parents make no effort whatsoever with our dc, and we do not accept gifts from them.
For us, it is about not allowing them to throw money at the dc because they can't be arsed to put in the effort to actually build a relationship, and think that they can buy our dc's affection with gifts. If they were to make an effort they would be absolutely welcome, but until they do we will refuse anything material from them.
If you blocked them, how do you know what they post about other grandchildren ?
The gift will be for your daughter.... Not your call to deprive her if it. More so as she gets older
PILs being low contact with you is hardly a crime! Your response - particularly over such a quick a time frame is well OTT.
But how is sending a birthday present and a Christmas present staying in contact? They don't know that she's crawling, how many teeth she's got, what size she is, what food she likes. All basic things you'd think someone would know about their grandchild.
My OH is just as annoyed as me, he knows they're still family but he gets very agitated talking about it because they've just completley pushed the 3 of us out of the family. My partner just doesn't care anymore, he regards my family as his and the same for our daughter. He's even planning a trip half hour from their house for us to meet up with his friend and spend a weekend with him, and he doesn't want to go and see them
Tbh - they sound like my exh's family who couldn't possibly come and visit their grandchildren for one reason or another but would be quite happy for us to fly over to NI with small children. I hated it but couldn't change it so had to accept it. Wouldn't try and block them out. Glad I don't have to deal with them now though.
Don't get why you blocked them on fb - you can always just unfollow them.
YABU and petty to refuse the present. They sound disinterested, not abusive or any other real reason to deny your child a present.
Thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one! As I always say to my oh, it's not her loss it's theirs.
And yes my oh has made numerous attempts at texts, phone calls, fb messages ect and they just read and don't reply or they'll be one word answers. If it wasn't for him phoning them every week up until about a year ago he would not have heard from them since he moved
I do understand how hurt and angry you are about this but I don't understand what refusing to open a card and present achieves except depriving your child. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face, as my old Mum would have said.
Lol good lord, I'm not depriving my child of anything. She has her family here. Why should they get the satisfaction of coming in and out of her life whenever they feel like it with no relationship at all, when they can't be bothered to send a quick how's she doing text?!
There are many good reasons for going NC but cutting contact because they don't make enough contact with you is not one of them.
Accept they are hands-off grandparents and politely thank them for any presents they send. Rejecting gifts because they haven't asked if your dd is crawling yet is simply ridiculous.
(This sounds more about their relationship with your dh than anything to do with their feelings about you or their grandchild. I'd be worrying about how he feels instead of counting how many times they've asked after your dc.)
Yes I do think you're being slightly harsh. I get that you're disappointed but you seem like it's all about you/ your LO rather than thinking about thinking of them or realising that it's not just up to them to closen your bond ? and more importantly different people operate differently - to me it doesn't mean they won't feel every bit of love another family member might, and they might just feel pushed out themselves / be distracted and also are older. I'm not making excuses as don't know them but our DC have been loved deeply by paternal grandparents they haven't been able to see in the same way and we don't hear from them regularly as they have their own lives too and work differently but the joy and interest they have in their grandchildren when see them is just as real and important .
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