"It's Your Body But It Will Be My Baby Too"(131 Posts)
So last night DP and I were having a casual discussion about my implant which is due to be taken out next month after 3 years floating about in my arm keeping us baby free.
For context, I'm 25 and he's 27, been together 8 years with no problems and both employed although I'm the breadwinner and on a bit of an upwards thrust at work at the moment. We have a mortgage on a 2 bed house we've lived in for 2 years and yes, I have to admit we have a perfect set up for a baby... you can see where this is going.
We've had the baby discussion before and i thought we both see babies as an "in the future" type of thing..we've even discussed that DP will be a SAHD while I go back to work etc. Last night I talked about wanting to go back on the pill after the implant is taken out until my career stagnates and I'm on a bit more money... DP's reaction was massive disappointment because he'd assumed when the implant came out we'd just start "seeing what happens" and stop taking baby prevention precautions...
At one point, very amicably and there was no nastiness intended, he said "I know it's your body and career and stuff but it will be my baby too and I think we're really really ready"... I got irrationally angry inside but didn't have a go at him or anything because I know he didn't mean it to sound like it did ..
AIBU to hold back on the baby making knowing we could cope and knowing it's what DP really really wants? Am I being really selfish here? DP hasn't tried to make me feel bad about it or anything and we had a lovely evening snuggled up on the sofa but it's been churning away in my head all night. I want to have a baby too, but I'm 25 and I can't help feeling like I want to be closer to 30 and my career not to get stalled now?
How do other couples make the decision to stop taking precautions?
He's right, it will be his baby too, however you both need to be in agreement to start trying/seeing what happens.
I don't think either are being unreasonable, I think you just need to wait a month or two at least to really talk it through and make a joint decision. You could always use condoms or pill in the meantime rather than the patch, then you've got more flexibility
Ultimately it's your body and you have a right to a career so the final decision should be yours.
I was in a very similar position to you, great career on the up, living in our own home, financially stable and dp wanting children and me not so ready. In the end I agreed to come off the pill and see what happens very knowledgable in that this approach with not tracking could taken a year or so anyway, I fell pregnant the first month lol my baby was the best thing that ever happened to me but I did give up work because those hours and a baby were never going to work for us as DH also has that sort of career but it was my choice and I wanted to. I think that you just never know how it's all going to work it until it actually happens and I think that you just know when you feel ready to be a mum BUT you can never be fully prepared no matter how long you wait IMO.
Well it would be his baby too wouldn't it?
However you must both be ready to start trying so you should wait until you are both on message.
We had our first at 21 and our last at 36, have to say it was a hell of a lot easier at 21.
I would wait until YOU feel ready (or as ready as you ever will be). Cynically it is normally the women left holding the baby should the relationship go pear shaped or should your DP be in an accident/ill and unable to take on the SAHD roll you will have to sacrifice your career and if you are currently in an upward trajectory you would probably feel at least a little resentful.
25 is still young, I would try and get any other ambitions out of the way first - travelling/holidays etc as having a baby, whilst brilliant changes all those sorts of things.
Think in the end you just have to take the plunge! It sounds as though your career is in a good place and if you were to take 6 months or so out of it to go on maternity leave a good employer should let you continue on that upwards thrust. Are you worried about repercussions if you do take time out? Has anybody else you work with gone on matenirty recently- if so, how did they fare?
TBH it's a scary decision whether it's your first or second or third but one that I'm sure the majority of mothers will tell you they have never regretted!
Your set-up sounds ideal - nurturing partner, good job, on the housing ladder...many people start families on much less stable footings! But ultimately yes, it is your body and only you can make the final decision.
YABU, just cautious.
You are absolutely not selfish to say that you want to wait for a few years. You are not saying never, you just want a few more years building your career first.
I'm 30 and not secure in a career, so we have to wait for a few years. I know that everyone says you are never "ready", but it has to feel like the right time for you to start trying.
Doesn't sound to me as though your ready to commit to having a baby. You need to have an honest and open conversation with your DP. He is right any child would be his as well but ultimately its your body and your not just a baby incubator for him, that said you may both have to realise you have very different opinions on this subject. I can understand that he thought implant removal meant TTC.
Have you discussed marriage or what if you want to be a SAHM after maternity leave?
Condoms are a no no, I have a latex allergy and the latex free ones are a nightmare... they sound like plastic bags and last time we tried that DP and I spent the entire time bursting out laughing
He is indeed very broody, also fab with kids and generally very family orientated. He's the little boy at school who said he wanted to be a daddy when he grew up... something MIL loves to remind me of frequently...
If the tables were turned and I was ready and he wasn't I'd be equally as upset as he is tbh. He's brave facing it at the moment and not making a big deal but I can tell it shook him a bit bless him.
Career is in a good place, I'd get 6 months on full pay and a further 6 months at 50% if I went on mat leave but could only afford the first 6 months. DP is in a low paid job on a 0 hours contract so I currently pay mortgage, bills, fuel etc and he pays for all the food. It works out roughly equal if you take it as a percentage of our earnings. He would take the SAHD role so he could study to become an electrical engineer at the same time so when the kid went to school he could re-train. I'd have to be sure though that I could cover our food as well as everything else before we had a kid. I think I could do this now but it would be tight.
I really do want a baby and I'm broody too, just chronically sensible!
Sensible is definitely not a bad thing! Would you feel "more ready" if your DP was on a secure contract?
Don't feel bad, if you're not ready yet, you're not ready.
My friend and I were discussing this yesterday, we're both 28 and married with babies and from the outside our lives/circumstances seem pretty idyllic but we both get pangs of 'I wish I could do this...'listen to your instincts on if you feel you need a few more years of just being you and not mummy yet.
(Having said that, they are just pangs and I'm the most contented I've ever been)
If you're chronically sensible then perhaps parenting is not for you
Nothing ever happens when its supposed to or like it's supposed to, but you just get on with it. You learn what is important and let go of the stuff that isn't.
Sounds like you have a great relationship which is a big plus whichever direction you decide to go in. Good luck
I only ask because my DP has more of the financial burden than me- I earn peanuts but am trying to change that. When I am earning more and there is less pressure on him to keep us afloat, it will be easier for us to feel "ready".
Haha thanks user 7755, chronically sensible but very able to adapt thankfully My motto is "always have a plan A but expect that plan to change.. so have plan b, c, d, e f...."
DP balances me out, he's a total seat of his pants life-winger and is the single luckiest person I've ever met.. never enter a raffle if he's ahead of you in the queue...
I think that's it, I'm just not ready to be someones mummy yet, I'm not done being just "me" if that makes sense?
I'm not sure about the secure contract thing to be honest, I like the idea of my kid having a parent at home with them and DP is in a great position to do that.. I was in childcare from 4 weeks old until I was 11 years old and only saw my folks for about 1.5 hours a day (0.5 hours in the morning, 1 hour in the evening) because they worked such long hours. I love my parents to bits and love how hard they worked for me and my sister, but I want my kid to have a parent with them.
I can't understand why you got irrationally angry about him saying it will be his baby too (it will) and him being keen to start ttc. You clearly didn't communicate to him that taking out the implant didn't mean you were wanting to try for a baby. That's all.
Hold on a mo.
I remember your pondering of this a few weeks back, surely?
And you'd agreed with him that you would give your career a bit longer, he would get his electrician qualification, you'd get married - then make babies in a few years.
So why is he surprised? Wasn't he listening?
at 25 you are very young, and as many posters have said children change the plan ...i think being just you is very important,
its way more than just wanting to build a career , or have more money or even being sensible.
OP you sound like you are just not ready for giving up your sense of self or being to be pickly mummy instead of pickly popcorn.
Perhaps offer your DP a dog as a try out for parenting repsonsibilties? I tried this with DexH...it worked for a bit ..
Neither of you are being unreasonable. It's completely understandable on his part to want to get on with starting a family, especially as it sounds like he is in a place where he could take time away from work. But it's also fine to say you're just not ready yet; ultimately you're the one who has to carry and give birth and you'd have to take at least a little time off work. If I was you I would try to be more understanding that he's feeling a bit disappointed, and I wouldn't dwell on that comment which seems innocent enough.
Sensible is good. But I am a firm believer that there are many bad times to have children, and no such thing as the perfect time. I hope you manage to figure it out between you. Good luck!
It would be his baby too, so his not wrong there is he.
If he feels he really wants a baby now and you want to wait until your older because of your job then neither of you are wrong but somebody can't have what they want.
Tbh most people are not never completely ready to have a baby, you just go with it when it happens. There will never be an absolute perfect time to have a baby
If you're not ready then you're not.
there is nothing else to say.
If this was a deal breaker for your DP, then I hope you would need to take that into consideration too.
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