To be upset at way DH is treating me on my birthday

[BigMuffinTop]

Hi - NC - ok so yesterday DH and I had an argument over how we are parenting DD. He accuses me of being a bad mother because I discipline her - but I feel I often have to compensate for his lack of parenting. I am very open and verbal - he is very passive aggressive. I went to bed very upset - and he slept in another room. I texted him to say I felt upset, that I was sorry that he felt that way about me but that I still loved him. No response.

Today is my birthday. This morning he comes in and puts a card by my bed and sneaks out. The card is addressed using my "proper" name. He only ever calls me by my nick name. He knows that I use my proper name solely for people who don't know me /aren't close friends. Inside he has not even addressed me by any name at all. Just "Have a happy birthday. Love X" .

He has now made an excuse to go out on some errand about 40 miles away which will no doubt take hours. I'm sure he didn't have this planned before as he never mentioned it to me. When I asked him if he had any plans for the rest of the day day he said no. Usually on my birthday he would take me out for lunch or something as he has done for the last 10 years. I had set the day aside.

I feel like I am being punished by him all the time . It feels like the card and the going out on an unnecessary errand is just more passive aggressive behaviour.

AIBU to feel this way or is there something wrong with me? Is this something your DH's would do? Are there any men out there who can explain it to me or who feel I am wrong here?

I am very confused and upset.

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

Happy Birthday!

Mature adults discuss things, they don't go off and sulk. As for behaving like this on your birthday- what is he thinking? I hope he comes back from his errands and takes you out with a smile and apology. And gives you a lovely present. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Ltb

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Happy Birthday! 🎂

Birthday or not that's not an acceptable way to treat someone you love. Is he always so sulky?

[gamerchick]

Happy birthday

Don't allow yourself to feel punished make plans for today that don't involve him and set another day aside to have a chat with him about your future together.

Man I couldn't live with a passive aggressive man, I don't have the patience for people who aren't emotionally grown up yet.

[AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs]

Urgh what a loser he is. I'd have ditched him by now.

[Itriedtodohandstandsforyou]

He even slept in spare room rather than sort it out, and now he's buggered off and left you on your birthday? How childish. He sounds like an arse! Happy Birthday by the way.

[GooodMythicalMorning]

Go and do something to treat yourself. Its not ideal but no point you having a crap day just because he's acting like a twat.

Has this behaviour gone on long or is it recent?

Hope your day improves.

[FluffyPersian]

No, there is nothing wrong with you for being hurt.

There would (potentially) be something wrong with you if you didn’t address you DH’s shitty behaviour to you, however.

I’m like you, I don’t like going to bed on an argument, so will try and reach a resolution before going to sleep – My partner knows this, but doesn’t behave like an arse. My ex, however, also knew this and would purposefully never apologise as he knew that my modus operandi was to try and be the peacekeeper, so even if he had treated me really badly, I would want to address it, which meant he’d ignore me for longer and I’d be the one trying to contact him.

I agree with you – that his behaviour is passive aggressive and you mention ‘all the time’, suggesting it’s not an isolated incident?

Are you happy at the thought of him doing this for the rest of your life? It sounds very miserable

I’d go and do something out of the house on your own, have a great day without him and potentially use the time to think about how you’d like your relationship to be in the future .

I hope you have a great birthday regardless of your Twatty Husband

[peachpudding]

Two different parenting styles... are you not able to agree on a middle ground. Or at least agree that you parent differently and agree when and where who is in charge.

i genuinely have a different parenting style from my ex and yet they still try and force me to do it the way they want. Luckily I can tell them to feck off. Children are able to cope with differences.

[Noteventhebestdrummer]

Could the errand he's gone on possibly involve a birthday surprise?

[notquitegrownup2]

Haven't any wiser advice than that which has already been offered, but wanted to send you some birthday flowers.

[WuTangFlan]

He's the role model for your daughter with regard to what she should accept and how problems are resolved in relationships. He should have a long think about the life-lessons she will learn from watching his behaviour. Also about the effect his behaviour will have on her growing up, e.g.: padontstandforpaloalto.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/effects-of-the-passive-aggressive-parent/

[Thebewilderbeest]

It sounds to me like you need to have a serious talk with him.
Firstly by not working as a team as parents you will be unable to provide much consistency for your daughter which will in turn cause upset for all of you. You haven't mentioned how old she is, but getting mixed messages from her parents will be confusing, and she may then behave to reflect that. You both need to be on the same page, and that will require compromise and negotiation from both of you until you reach an agreement on how to parent your daughter.

Secondly if your huaband's behaviour upsets you, you need to tell him, to his face. Tell him you feel like he is punishing you for not agreeing with him, tell him how you feel about the 'errand' today, and the card. He might react badly, but you aren't achieving anything by not communicating. You have every right to tell him you are upset (and in your situation I would be too). If he reacts with more passive aggressive behaviour then leave him to it, but tell him to grow up.
Then go treat yourself, phone some friends, go out for lunch, go shopping, whatever you fancy.
I don't know what you want long term, but it sounds like you and your husband need to have some serious talks later if this is a common occurrence and you aren't happy. 'Punishing' someone emotionally is unacceptable and is not your fault.

Enjoy your birthday, don't let him ruin it for you

[NickiFury]

Maybe he really is concerned about how you're parenting her and feels shouted down by you? With your very "open and verbal" parenting style.

Mean to treat you like this on your birthday though, if it was me I would do the usual birthday stuff and say we need to have a big talk about dd and how to move forward but let's have a lovely day today.

[trafalgargal]

You seriously texted him from one bedroom to the next rather than going in and speaking to him ? And he's passive aggressive ?

You are both your child's parents - you need to find common ground. Most parents aren't identical in how they parent - which isn't a bad thing as it means a child learns early that different people have different expectations and limits -which isn't a bad life lesson to learn early .....nor is learning that you can think differently but still both be right.

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Happy birthday !

I had a boyfriend like this. My life was all about walking on eggshells because he was always sulking if things did not go his way. He was unpredictable and moody. Since I broke up with him, I have felt a huge, huge weight off my shoulder.

[Maybenot321]

Go for lunch or dinner out with your DD.
He sounds cruel. There's a time and a place for discussions around your parenting differences.
To carry it over into your birthday is really mean.

[OneArt]

He sounds like a nasty, vindictive person. He is deliberately ruining your birthday to make a point.

[BipBippadotta]

Happy birthday, OP, and sorry you're going through this.

Just a view from the other side - in relationships with very 'open and verbal' people, I often feel overwhelmed and dominated, and that my point of view is discounted or ridden roughshod over. I often need a bit of space to collect my thoughts and try to present my point of view in a way I think the other person will be able to hear it (and not just shout me down and tell me I'm wrong). If I need a bit of time to do this I'm told I'm sulking, 'punishing' etc. It can make me feel completely hounded.

If you want to work on this with him it might help to think about what you're both doing and why, rather than coming from entrenched positions of who's a bad parent or partner for having this or that view, or feeling this or that way when sulked/shouted at.

[peachpudding]

He still gave you a card so he hasn't dropped off the deep end. Seems you're both arguing about the best way to care for your DD. At least its not something trival.

What age are your DC and what does being open and verbal mean. Are you screaming? I'm am not sure agressive is better than passive agressive. How about calm considered discipline?

[BigMuffinTop]

I just feel like he is judging me all the time. DD told me last night that he'd said some things to her about me. I think that's inappropriate and damaging.

I'm not mentally strong enough to just go and have a nice day in my own or with DD.

Yes I think he has genuine concerns because as I say I have to compensate for his lack of discipline and that always makes me the bad guy. But instead of understanding that and discussing a way forward he just uses it as a stick to beat me with.

He won't be out getting me a present. He's out delivering something to someone. He's had ample opportunity to say something to me this morning. I told him how I felt about the card. He ignored me. He never says sorry.

I texted because I didn't want another row. I didn't want to wake DD. It was 1 in the morning.

I feel sorry for DD.

This evening will have to either play happy families at my parents or if he doesn't come make up an excuse

Thanks for your replies everyone. And for the birthday messages. I would be feeling so alone if it wasn't for you. Can't discuss this with anyone in RL. Xx

[ParadiseCity]

You poor thing. He sounds awful. I know you are not having a happy birthday but I would like to wish you a Happy Birthday and hope it does improve!

[StiickEmUp]

Happy birthday!

[Goingtobeawesome]

Happy birthday.

How about a present to yourself - get shot of this abusive man.

[DoreenLethal]

I think you really should go out and not be there when he gets home. He will be expecting you to be all sad and depressed. What you need to do is give yourself the best birthday present and go see a good friend who you can talk to about the twat you are married to and really think about whether this is what you or your child need in your life.