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If you were on a first date with someone and he got into a physical fight with another bloke would you see him again?

(59 Posts)
YouAreMySweetestDownfall Mon 27-Jun-16 10:27:53

Our first date was just a few drinks at the pub and then onto a house party after. In the early hours the party spilt out onto the street and a bloke came up to me and said within obvious earshot of my date. 'You know this guy's a loser, you could do so much better'. (clearly he was being a twat too). So my date went mad punching him and it turned into a full scale fight in the road that had to be broken up by the police!

This was years ago. I not only agreed to a second date but went onto marry him and have a child. Now finally split. What's wrong with me? I'm having therapy and thoughts like this keep cropping up. Would that always be such an obvious red flag or have you been so in love with someone from the word go you overlook these things?

whois Mon 27-Jun-16 10:29:50

You're obviously in a bad place so I won't put the boot in, but yeah there is no way I would consider dating a violent guy.

Balanced12 Mon 27-Jun-16 10:33:54

We all make errors, no point in worrying about decisions already made just consider what you would do differently in future

MardyGrave Mon 27-Jun-16 10:33:56

It sounds like the bloke had the measure of your ex husband in calling him a loser.

AdrenalineFudge Mon 27-Jun-16 10:34:19

I don't think violence is ever a good idea - you say your then date went mad and punched him - not as a form of defence i.e had the other guy started punching him first.

That said, it's all irrelevant now. You went on to marry and have a child with him and you are where you are now. I think it's a good choice to have sought therapy - I experienced similar thoughts of what if this/that during post-break up with an abusive ex but you will come to accept these decisions, understand them and move on.

It's a process and it's not always going to be a straightforward one. flowers, you might want to switch this to the Relationships board. KOKO - keep on keeping on.

BathshebaDarkstone Mon 27-Jun-16 10:35:19


DramaAlpaca Mon 27-Jun-16 10:36:05


plimsolls Mon 27-Jun-16 10:37:41

No I wouldn't. But it sounds like you wouldn't either now. Don't be too hard on yourself and well done for the therapy you're undergoing.

AgentProvocateur Mon 27-Jun-16 10:37:50

No, I'd run a mile.

BreadSnakeFridayDog Mon 27-Jun-16 10:38:17

I like to think I wouldn't. But then again I always said the second I found out I was being cheated on I'd kick the cheater out. I always said I'd walk at the first sign of violence or abuse to me. I didn't. It's not as black and white when you're actually living the situation.

Be kind to yourself. The past is gone it's the future that counts.

DixieNormas Mon 27-Jun-16 10:39:38

20 years ago I might, not now. Don't be hard on yourself

In the early days, when we like someone, we see what we want to see. There is nothing wrong with you. There is no point beating yourself up for something that happened a long time ago - we all make a wrong choice or two (or lots in my case hmm) at some point in our lives. Chalk it up to experience and treat it as a red flag in the future. flowers for you OP

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 27-Jun-16 10:41:03

No. Unless it is for defensive purposes, which this clearly wasn't, violence is unacceptable.

SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies Mon 27-Jun-16 10:41:07

Be kind to yourself. The past is gone it's the future that counts

^ Exactly this. You can't change what has happened, but you can make positive decisions for your future. Good luck. flowers

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs Mon 27-Jun-16 10:42:54

I'd run for the hills.

Thefitfatty Mon 27-Jun-16 10:44:34

I think you already know that most people would say no to this, which is why you're asking what's wrong with you.

My guess would be low self esteem rather than blind love.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 27-Jun-16 10:47:17

Probably not. However I have to be honest and come to his defence and say. I can see why he turned, and went for him. I mean I wouldn't appreciate it if some bitch came up to my dp and said"What are you doing with her". She's a loser.

pictish Mon 27-Jun-16 10:56:22

I agree that you are being very hard on yourself. I was immature and made bad decisions and choices 20 years ago too.

I am 40, so no...if a guy got into a physical fight like you describe on a first date, he wouldn't see me for dust. I might have considered it thrilling when i was 20 and a different fish to the woman I am today.

The past is just that - past. You have grown. xx

YouAreMySweetestDownfall Mon 27-Jun-16 10:56:35

thefitfatty my guess was that most people would say hell no. It just didn't seem like a big deal at the time but now I'd run a mile too. We were early twenties and it just seemed part of his 'wild' personality, which was a big part of the attraction.

TanTanNubuck Mon 27-Jun-16 10:58:02

No. Run

Nivea101 Mon 27-Jun-16 10:59:53

I was somewhat the same as I grew up with a kind loving dad and my exh always seemed a bit more "exciting" with his tough side. Ha I soon learnt just how wrong I was.

If I went back in time I would run for the hills.

But we can't go back in time so I just live in the moment and try to distract myself from past thoughts. What's done is done and can't be undone.

ImperialBlether Mon 27-Jun-16 11:01:06

Sometimes when you're younger you enjoy a bit of drama - that usually wears off when you get a bit older. Of course his reaction should have been a red flag - even if that other guy was trying to cause trouble, your date could have shrugged and turned away.

AdrenalineFudge Mon 27-Jun-16 11:01:30

TanTan Have you RTFT?

Floggingmolly Mon 27-Jun-16 11:02:26

It didn't seem like a big deal?

BeingHuman Mon 27-Jun-16 11:02:35

We all make mistakes and sadly we don't always see people for what they are. That makes you a good person, and I know it counts for very little now but that's worth more.

Keep up with the therapy, ask about a programme called the freedom programme. It's for domestic abuse survivors but the information it gives helps you to spot a bad egg. Helps with the warning signs.

flowers don't be too hard on yourself, you have a beautiful dc from it so it wasn't completely lost.

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