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To think my DH is on verge of affair or is trying to be?

(43 Posts)
Simba84 Mon 27-Jun-16 00:46:27

My Dh started hanging out with distant cousin about 3 months as they were both were into a shared activity. I am not a jealous person and I have had no problem with their friendship. However another family member pulled me aside a month ago to say they thought it was odd and they had been discussing it with my SIS and they both agreed it seemed fishy.

I have never ever done this but I looked at his phone a month ago and saw they were in fact texting each other a lot but it seemed completely innocent. And when cousin was over, she spent more time with me than talking to him and they would laugh openly about the stuff they were doing on their shared activity so thought nothing more of it.

However, DH has been very grumpy with me the last 2 weeks and I have naughtily looked at his phone again. They are texting every day - Lots of comments from DH about how wonderfully she is bringing up her children, her saying she is on a diet, him saying she doesn't need to be. And what is really upsetting, dh is now talking about me, asking her advice on our relationship and she is giving neutral advice but talking about a private girl's conversation we had recently, saying some other friends were laughing and condoning my selfish behaviour which is not on. He actually asked her if he could sleep on her sofa this month if things go tits up between me and him. The only thing he has said to me is that he would like us to go a couple of nights out this month just me and him.

Rainbunny Mon 27-Jun-16 01:05:11

Well if I were you OP, I'd take some time by myself to sort out my thoughts and what action I wanted to take. I'd probably be try to be as calm as I could be and have it out with my DH - a very 'cards on the table conversation" about everything. The fact that he's asking to potentially sleep on her couch if things fall apart with you is the most concerning and is obviously the thing that you need to address with him. It doesn't necessarily sound as though they are about to become romantically intimate from what you've written, well from her side anyway... he might be going that direction sorry (men aren't very subtle in these things and I'm getting the impression he might be hoping for something). Sorry, nothing more to offer other than a honest conversation that could be life changing and so try to brace yourself!

ohtheholidays Mon 27-Jun-16 01:26:04

It does sound dodgy to me OP,but only you can decide what you want to do.
But if it was me I don't think I could move on from what he's done,telling her that things could be going tits up between you both,if he thought there was problems in your relationship the only person he should have been talking about it with is you!and her sharing a conversation you had with her and her putting you down that is the actions of a women who's after your husband!

I couldn't quite work out who's cousin she is from your post?

incywincybitofa Mon 27-Jun-16 01:31:33

They are on a slippery slope whether she/ they want to be or not.
Reading texts rarely gives you the full story, she may have self esteem issues that he knows about etc so it isn't definitive that he is flirting-BUT to be honest there seem to an awful lot of fishiness going on.
I would tell him you have read them at this point in your marriage honesty is really the only way forwards

Mummyme1987 Mon 27-Jun-16 01:34:34

Get interested in the shared activity and go too. Don't let them be alone. talk to him and ask he stops texting her. It's a ea.

SylvieB74 Mon 27-Jun-16 01:55:04

Well they don't seem to be up to much yet. Him adding you for some nights out alone is also a good sign, if he was just thinking about getting up to something with her he wouldn't be trying to make an effort with you. I assume things are a bit strained lately with him saying the tits up comment? I'd either go on tut couple of nights out, be extra nice make an effort, make him feel guilty. Or I'd mention to him what the stirring family have been saying, and just remind him that if he makes the conciliatory decision to sleep with someone else, that's it, he loses you! Anyway if it does go 'tits up' and he goes to sleep in her sofa, I'd be straight round there to check the sleeping arrangements.

MistressDeeCee Mon 27-Jun-16 02:43:50

The disloyalty is appalling. Your DH talking to another woman and telling her your relationship is going wrong, and he may want to sleep on her sofa? He's fishing, OP - seeing if she is up for it with him. Which doesn't mean an ongoing affair, could be purely sexual but thats bad enough. She's no good either - repeating aspects of a private conversation between you, and putting you in a bad light. & the responding to his compliments, talking about going on a diet etc its the age old game. Its the disloyalty that would put me off both of them. Your DH is worse but in your shoes I don't think Id be splitting hairs about that, Id want it sorted out asap

If you don't want to end your marriage then yes, go on a couple of nights out with your DH, get nice and glammed up for them too, helps with confidence. & if he brings her up during your night out then don't mess about - be direct and tell him you feel he and his cousin talk too much, and too often, and you aren't comfortable with it at all. Don't worry about seeming too forward, just tell him.

You don't have to repress your feelings for anybody, as women we are taught far often to do that, go with the over-softly softly approach when someone has done wrong to us. & that if we respond to that wrong, we are somehow worsening the situation or pushing for an ultimatum. I don't buy any of that, getting things clearly out in the open is best. You are an equal in the relationship.

& goes without saying - no private conversations with her in the future, if she brings up anything or tries to get personal then shut her down immediately, non-committal responses. In fact in your shoes Id do my best to have as little to do with her as possible

The 'phone thing is difficult - I know its deemed wrong to look but if you have suspicions I absolutely think its the right thing to do. Mobile phones are a Godsend to cheats. If you didn't look you'd be none the wiser re their shitty disloyalty, and would go into a discussion with him without knowledge of the type of conversations he's been having with this woman. As unpleasant as it is, its best to know so that you aren't wrongfooted. If he left to sleep on her sofa I wouldn't touch him again with a bargepole if I were you, but you know best how you would feel about that.

Hopefully he will see sense and leave this woman alone. Good luck

Baconyum Mon 27-Jun-16 03:37:57

Already an emotional affair and he's looking to make it a physical one. Speak to him honestly and nip this in the bud.

thedogstinks Mon 27-Jun-16 05:53:07

What do I think? I think he's laying the ground work so he can (very conveniently) point the finger at you as a cause of his unhappiness (or depression, or feeling rejected, or whatever) while simultaneously requesting use of said couch.

I'd tell him that I'd seen his texts, and that family members had pulled me aside to voice their concerns, so no, actually, you're <not> overreacting (because undoubtedly he'll level that accusation at you. I'd tell him that he was welcome to use her couch, or anyone's couch, but wherever he chose to lay his head it wouldn't be on the pillow next to mine until he'd sorted out exactly what he wanted. Then I'd let him know that you'd be doing some similar soul searching and couldn't possibly indicate what your decision might be.

Meantime, you could do some thinking yourself and decide if you wanted him in your future.

All usual advice applies - financial records, see a lawyer, lay ground work for life without him etc etc etc.

MerryMarigold Mon 27-Jun-16 06:36:26

At best:

- He is confused and exploring his options. Going out with you - to discover: does he really still love you? Opening up the possibility of a 'couch' with her.

At worst:

- He is playing you both, manipulating both of you. Making her feel needed, trying to undermine you in her eyes etc. Taking you out and making you feel special.

If I were you I would tell him you know he's doing one of these 2 options and neither of them are ok with you.

PastoralCare Mon 27-Jun-16 06:56:29

All of the above implies almost certainly that you have been reading his text messages.

Also anything else we should know about the state of your relationship before meeting the distant cousin?

PastoralCare Mon 27-Jun-16 06:57:20

I meant, that he will know, or you'll tell him, you've read his phone without his knowledge.

BalloonSlayer Mon 27-Jun-16 06:57:37

I'd be confronting I'm afraid.

I'd say that not one but TWO family members (not naming them) had expressed concern to me and that I had looked at his phone to reassure myself - and them - that they were mistaken. And lo !! Messages suggesting that he is planning to leave me when he has discussed no unhappiness of any kind with me.

I'd blow him out of the water. Start talking about solicitors, divorce, naming her as co-respondent, the works. Scare the living shit out of him. But hey, that's just me.

Henrysmycat Mon 27-Jun-16 07:08:40

The usual "my wife doesn't understand me/things are strained/we are on the warpath to divorce" followed by "will you offer your friend a place to stay/a shoulder to cry on" peppered with compliments for some ego boosting.
I was in a similar situation. I was very young and stupid. And I thought it was all a game until his wife pulled me aside and quite rightly so. For me, his wife was an abstract idea as I never meet her or knew her. I'll never forget telling me that I'd be old one day and understand her. I did understand her even then and even more so that I'm nearly her age.
Would I have been with him? Most likely. After all "they were divorcing" and he pretended he was so nice so it looked like his wife was at fault.
Not myproudedt moment as a human.
Nip it in the bud.
Also, those two nights you have planned out could be trying to throw you of the scent or cause a fight disagreement and report back "how unreasonable/not understanding/difficult you are".
Also, I'm not sure about his activity. Can he change clubs or do something else? Because she'll be there and he sounds a bit smitten.
I'm from a country that people and family are very vocal with such concerns and quite often,9 out of 10 times, it is quite innocent. I don't know your family but I noticed for Brits to pull you aside like that it's not as innocent. They might notice things we don't.

Girlgonewild Mon 27-Jun-16 07:44:03

Is his distant cousin who is the mother of children married to her children's father or living with her partner?

brodchengretchen Mon 27-Jun-16 07:59:15

Stop worrying about looking at OH's phone, he has lost the right to object and it's of material importance to you what is going on. YANBU at all.

justilou Mon 27-Jun-16 08:02:14

I wouldn't tell him that you'd read his texts.... Then he'd make it impossible for you to check up on him later. Keep that one up your sleeve in case you need it. (Also, take screenshots of these texts on your phone for later as well - if it goes belly up, you can keep them for proof of unreasonable behaviour on both their parts - esp if you have kids and his family takes sides.)

I would definitely glam up and go out to dinner with him.... When he inevitably brings her into the conversation, let him know that you feel he's romanticising his relationship with his cousin and it makes you and other members of the family uncomfortable. Make light of it, but throw in mention of trailer parks in Kentucky, perhaps.

powershowerforanhour Mon 27-Jun-16 08:09:15

Yes I would tell him you know about the texting. If he gets all morally offended- tough, he doesn't get to ride that high horse.

U2HasTheEdge Mon 27-Jun-16 08:12:34

I would definitely glam up and go out to dinner with him.... When he inevitably brings her into the conversation, let him know that you feel he's romanticising his relationship with his cousin and it makes you and other members of the family uncomfortable. Make light of it, but throw in mention of trailer parks in Kentucky, perhaps.

Did I really just read this? hmm Glam up and make light of it?

OP he is trying to see if she will have an affair with him. He has betrayed you already by being disloyal to you. I am sorry this is happening but for me it would be LTB. He is clearly testing the waters with her and he has made it clear that he would be willing to have an affair with her if she gives the go ahead.

I would blow this out of the water right now.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I am sorry you are in this position and he fucking sucks thanks

notapizzaeater Mon 27-Jun-16 08:28:53

Can you get involved in the joint activity ?

I'd have to tell him I'd read the texts just as I packed his bags

MilesHuntsWig Mon 27-Jun-16 08:36:58

I think I'd have the same reaction as Balloonslayer tbh.

The most important thing here is what you want out of this. Do you want to be married to him?

Whatever has happened he has been disloyal to you in these texts, you have every right to be angry about that as a starting point, without getting the truth on anything else. You can then tailor your reaction based on that but I think honesty is best going forwards, either a frank and honest discussion (several as he'll prob start out minimising) or a full blown threat of divorce. Your choice...

RedMapleLeaf Mon 27-Jun-16 09:16:32

If you don't want to end your marriage then yes, go on a couple of nights out with your DH, get nice and glammed up for them too.


Mummyme1987 Mon 27-Jun-16 09:39:42

I read it as her cousin. Anyway, I would invite her over and tell her you know. Let her tell him.

Mummyme1987 Mon 27-Jun-16 09:40:30

Then I would hand her his bag and say you have him. I'm not having a piece of trash like him. And ltb.

Lemonlady22 Mon 27-Jun-16 09:53:33

i would say to him we need to sit down and talk NOW...then say a couple of family members have mentioned things and THEN ask to look at his phone, if he hands it to you straight away OK....if he stalls and wont let you see it you will have your suspicions confirmed...there is no need for him to know you have looked at his phone without him knowing beforehand...then you can pull your ace card out and say you have already seen his phone and know what he is up to and want answers....i would get screenshots beforehand to use as evidence though..he may not have started an affair but he is behaving appallingly. good luck!

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