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To feel sad, and a bit hopeless

(90 Posts)
yummysummerpudding Thu 23-Jun-16 20:59:14

I normally do use another name on here, but, I can't really explain it, just want to be incognito tonight.

I'm 35.

In all probability I've left it too late to have a child.

I know many of you will have had children after this age, but realistically I am single - meeting someone (and believe me I am as far from attractive as it's possible to be!) and having a child in the timeframe of five years just doesn't seem realistic.

I've thought about anonymous sperm donation but just don't think it's for me.

So - there it is. It's probably not an AIBU but ... smile

Nanunanu Thu 23-Jun-16 21:28:45

It is OK to be sad.

You are only 35. You potentially have another 15 years of fertility ahead of you should you want it.

It is also OK to take stock of here and now and recognise it gets harder but not necessarily impossible. And a lot can change in 15 years. Hell a lot can change in 15 months.

Be gentle on yourself

emwithme Thu 23-Jun-16 21:38:08

My best friend met her (now) husband when she was 39, married him and now (at 42) has just had their first baby. She also has PCOS so had been told her entire life that she may have difficulty conceiving.

Fatrascals Thu 23-Jun-16 21:40:20

You actually do have plenty of time to have a child in your life - one way or another.
You really do.

AgentPineapple Thu 23-Jun-16 21:44:37

I am 33 and have not long had twins so don't count yourself out just yet, sorry you're feeling sad flowers

BeardMinge Thu 23-Jun-16 21:44:44

I was in a similar position at 35. At 37 I met someone. At 40 I had our daughter. Nobody was more shocked by this turn of events than me.

I also have a friend who got to her late thirties and went it alone using an anonymous sperm donor. It was a route I was considering, but realistically it would have been impractical for me financially.

Anyway, if you want to be a mother, there are ways to achieve it, all is not lost.

yummysummerpudding Thu 23-Jun-16 21:51:35

I hear many stories like yours Beard, but I really don't see it happening here.

15 years? More like 5, surely!

Cantstopeatingchocolate Thu 23-Jun-16 21:52:25

Ah it's not over yet, my friend met her partner at 36, dated for a while, moved in together and had their first at 38.
I was 36 when I had my Ds, and I'd been with Dh for 13 years at that point. You just never know what will happen.
Don't look at 35 as too old to meet and have a child with someone. Get on a dating site and find your perfect match, there will be one.

Nanunanu Thu 23-Jun-16 22:00:06

Average age of menopause is 51.

Women in their 40s are getting pregnant every day.

I'm not pretending it is easy for them. Nor that it doesn't get harder on average with each passing year.

But you are still quite young.

It gets harder. Not impossible.

And it might be worth really exploring anonymous donation. Just so that you are certain about your decision if it's not right for you. It was right for us

ImperialBlether Thu 23-Jun-16 22:02:33

In what way are you unattractive? Is it something that six months of hard work would put right? It would give you a huge confidence boost.

Aspergallus Thu 23-Jun-16 22:04:37

I met my DH at 32, prey with first at 34. 2nd at 38, and planning a 3rd at 40.

Life can change quickly but you have to work on it. Date. Know what you want, ditch relationships that aren't going anywhere. Be honest about where you are in life early in any relationship.

If you don't see it happening in a relationship, I wouldn't discount donor insemination. If you really do want DC, you are very unlikely to regret it.

Lexilooo Thu 23-Jun-16 22:06:35

Seriously get out there and meet people, throw away any preconceptions and give a good chance to any good kind men you meet. There are lots of them out there currently entertaining very similar thoughts to you, it is just a question of finding them. You aren't out of time yet, you have a few years yet. smile

yummysummerpudding Thu 23-Jun-16 22:12:52

I don't meet any men, much less good kind ones!

I might not regret donor insemination, but my child might.

Nanunanu Thu 23-Jun-16 22:40:14

They might. Threy might not. That's the joyous thing about life the unknown.

Of course they'd be alive to be making that judgement. Which is a fact not to be sniffed at.

All kids go through the "I didn't ask to be born" stage. Most grow out of it. Some don't. Of those that don't, some don't know their fathers, pergaps through death, divorce, abandonment or donor insemination. And some will blame their unhappiness on this great unknown. And for some folk it will truly mess them up.

But alternative families are becoming a whole hell of a lot more common now. I don't regret my father being absent from my life. Although I do wish my mother hasn't been so hurt by him before he fucked off into the sunset

AnthonyPandy Thu 23-Jun-16 22:57:22

Please consider donor insemination, my kids don't know their dad either even though at the times of their births we were happily married.

ImperialBlether Thu 23-Jun-16 23:14:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

geekymommy Thu 23-Jun-16 23:18:06

I had my kids at 37 and 41. I had no trouble conceiving at all. That won't be true of everyone, but it's also untrue that all women will have trouble conceiving after 35 or 40.

Lovelyholiday Thu 23-Jun-16 23:52:38

Hi, I just wanted to let you know my story, it might help,
I'm 39 still single and want a child. I'm not expecting my right to pop up, and even if he does he would run a mile with my intentions! So in January I went to the docs to have my fertility tested with the intention of finding a sperm donor, I knew it was the right time for me. The gp was lovely, and I got a referral within 2 weeks!!yey for the NHS!! Had bloods done, fertility clinic scanned me (I wasn't expecting such a thorough service!
Blood results were very good, still got a great egg reserve. However little did I know I had a big old cyst growing on my ovary, hmm urgent oncologist referral, op 6 weeks later, all very quick! Have expecting it was all over, but they saved all my bits n pieces and I'm all good!!
Whilst all this was going on my fight for a family was still on, I joined a co-parenting website, found a perfect donor who has agreed to be my partner through ivf (brilliant saves the 'sex chat') donor also wants contact and co parenting!
We are now waiting for funding.
What I want to say really is, if you want it do it, there are ways, good ways, you can do it! Ask the universe and it will provide! But don't wait as long as me, because I can only have one round of treatment, if I'd done it a yr ago I would have been eligible for 3.
I also work with pregnant and new mums, they are mainly in their late 30sto early 40s.
We are more mature, yes, but past it. Don't live your life waiting, go and get it xx

stopitatonce Thu 23-Jun-16 23:55:18

Imperial no it is not like that. What an il-linformed and insensitive thing to say

Lovelyholiday Thu 23-Jun-16 23:55:35

*not passed it!! Jeez, no where near!! Actually in my head I'm still 20 😂

Lovelyholiday Thu 23-Jun-16 23:57:02

Imperial, I think you need to research before making an ill informed comment

beetroot2 Fri 24-Jun-16 00:06:57

I had mine at 35 and in hindsight it was purely because I wanted one. Why not look into doing an alternative way.

beetroot2 Fri 24-Jun-16 00:11:20

Imperials opinion is just that. Ive brought my son up completely on my own and he's absolutely fine. There hasn't been a difficult divorce, conflicting parenting, blah blah blah, it's been a rather smooth ride. I'm also working class and he's off to uni to do a BSc Hons in Math this September.

So there you go.

beetroot2 Fri 24-Jun-16 00:13:47

If you do it the non conventional way you would have given that child life. That is a gift in itself.

Papergirl1968 Fri 24-Jun-16 00:42:15

You sound exactly how I felt. Up to my mid 30s I felt sure I would just happen to meet Mr Right, despite objectively knowing I wasn't very attractive!
By 35ish I started thinking about alternative ways of having children and settled on adoption. Was approved just before my 40th birthday and within a few months became (single) mum to two gorgeous but very damaged kids.
Seven years on it has been do much more challenging than I ever imagined, but we are a family.
In retrospect, maybe I should have looked harder for my soul mate in my 20s or early 30s, but who knows if I'd have met him. Maybe I would have but we'd be unable to conceive and have adopted anyway.
Adoption is not for everyone and it's a long and frustrating process, but maybe have a think or do some research.

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