To want to shout 'you're not better than me because you're married to a hedge fund manager'?

(127 Posts)
windygallows Thu 23-Jun-16 20:48:48

Okay, I'm not really going to shout it but sometimes I mutter it under my breath when I have to deal with the brazen snobbery of some of the mums at the school gate who think they are special because they married someone with money. I've never been too obsessed with money (maybe that's the problem) and have always worked full time in an area I love but doesn't pay well.

I thought I was over the highschool years of feeling inadequate if I didn't have the right clothes or background. But it turns out being in your 40s is just like highschool and the worst is having to deal with the utter snobbery of women whose main achievement is to marry someone who works in the city. It appears I got it wrong by not focusing on marrying well. And yes, I know that's a frigging white company cashmere poncho that you're wearing in your casual chic attire as you jump out of your Porsche Cayenne. Now please don't come over here to brag to me about your upcoming holiday, please....

Just that.

PimmsIsMyDrinkOfChoice Thu 23-Jun-16 20:52:30

I'm married to something like a hedge fund manager.
I don't think I'm better than you (and I don't wear cashmere as I'd only spill my tea down it.)

windygallows Thu 23-Jun-16 20:54:21

Pimms I am sure you are lovely and there are lots of lovely women out there married to people who have money. But you can't deny that there is a subset of women who I have described and who take the biscuit....

JandOsmummy Thu 23-Jun-16 20:54:42

What makes you think these mum's have what they have because they married someone with money? why couldn't they have earned / be earning it themselves?

Why would you assume they chose to marry someone because of their money? Is it hard to believe they just fell in love and that person happens to earn well? Maybe they had nothing when they got together?

sorry - I don't see what's snobby about having some nice things?! have they said something offensive to you?

it sounds like you are judging them not the other way around....

IonaNE Thu 23-Jun-16 20:55:09

Are they actually saying or even implying that they are better - or is it just in your head, OP?

scarlets Thu 23-Jun-16 20:55:23

Difficult to say. You haven't explained how they demonstrate "snobbery". Wearing expensive clothes doesn't mean that they're snobs. Sneering at your supermarket clothes, does.

MooPointCowsOpinion Thu 23-Jun-16 20:56:58

Do you want that jumper and car? Because I'm exactly how you describe yourself, never been interested in money and wouldn't dream of bragging about my husband's income like it's an achievement of my own... But I have no idea what that jumper or car you described even look like and I wouldn't recognise them if I saw them.

Ask yourself now, why do you recognise that stuff and make a note of it?

PolaroidsFromTheBeyond Thu 23-Jun-16 20:58:37

Owning a Porsche, wearing designer clothing and going on expensive holidays doesn't automatically make you a snob though, does it OP? What are they actually doing to you that makes you feel they look down on you? Or are you just assuming they do?

Sighing Thu 23-Jun-16 20:59:44

It's entirely them. If that is their conversation that is all that exsists of them. They're as boring as fuck and trying to make their life thrilling by hoping someone is impressed. Maybe just hold their arm, tilt the head and ask them if they've got someone to talk to at home. That will confuse them. Use that chance to run. Or wait in the car/ round the corner / quiet spot at the side of the playground.

RaskolnikovsGarret Thu 23-Jun-16 21:00:16

I agree. I used to be astounded at the snobbery around the school gate. The obvious view that they were better than me, just because they had more money. I would never judge a SAHM (I wouldn't mind being one myself), but I have always had a good job and earned as much as my husband, but because we were poorer, and less posh, we were never admitted into the inner circle.

And I'm not imagining it - in fact I only realised it 7 years into 9 years at primary school. I used to think it was me, then realised it wasn't, cos I'm great, wink. I found the snobbery of North London private schools very disappointing in this day and age. Also the impression that many women were still marrying for money (I just couldn't believe women still did this until I spoke to some mums).

Could just be my experience though, but I'm scarred!

Owllady Thu 23-Jun-16 21:01:59

Oh don't know there is a particular type of career wife like the op is talking about
I'm not sure I'm annoyed about it though, just an observation

I'm one of those mums that irritates everyone for not conforming to any sort of normal role smile it doesn't bother me tbh

RaskolnikovsGarret Thu 23-Jun-16 21:02:43

I categorise snobbery in this context as only letting you into friendship groups if your husband earns a certain amount. I think these mums thought they were lovely, but they really really weren't. Only if your face fitted.

Owllady Thu 23-Jun-16 21:02:59

I don't do the school gate anymore smile
I still get asked why not

JandOsmummy Thu 23-Jun-16 21:05:00

Did it occur to you they might juse be looking to be friendly and be looking for a way to start conversation?

it sounds like you don't know these women but uou judge them so harshly?

windygallows Thu 23-Jun-16 21:05:41

It's hard to explain what these women do but they like to emphasize their wealth, talk about money and are snooty about who they talk to. Have you never encountered women like this? Surely you have? They are all over the south east.

And yes, I'm sure a small percentage of them may have made the money themselves, but I'm talking about a specific subset of women who are all about marrying well. It's very throwback!

And yes they do look down on women who don't have what they have or who, shock horror, have to work.

Brightnorthernlights Thu 23-Jun-16 21:06:41

I think you need to explain further what sort of things are said/done to you to make you feel like this and that they look down on you.

Yes, YABU if your judgement of their snobbery is based on what they wear or drive. In fact, aren't you guilty of judging on appearance....just what you are accusing them of hmm.

RaskolnikovsGarret Thu 23-Jun-16 21:07:03

But there is an interesting question. Many women stop work when they have children, as 'DH earns ten times as much as me'. But why did DH earn so much more than them pre children? Were they consciously or subconsciously seeking a more wealthy mate? Do women still do this, and why? Believe me, this is not a circle of women who did not have the opportunities to get good jobs.

Anyway, they were no better than me, but it's taken me a while to realise that. At that time, I used to get quite depressed by the exclusion. I hate hate hate snobbery of any description.

WorraLiberty Thu 23-Jun-16 21:07:47

That doesn't make sense.

They're snooty about who they talk to, and yet they talk to you and you say they think they're better than you? confused

You're probably better off just dropping and running, if these people annoy you so much.

windygallows Thu 23-Jun-16 21:07:52

I think I've posted the original comment as well because I'm sort of astounded how I've started to become so much more conscious of what I have due to the whole school gate phenomenon and comparisons with parents. It's a bizarre social phenomenon that I'm finding a bit frustrating to deal with.

spankhurst Thu 23-Jun-16 21:08:02

I come into contact with very wealthy people on a daily basis and I can confirm there are lots of women in this day and age who marry primarily for money, never work, and spend a LOT of time maintaining their looks and figures lest rich hub's eyes start to wander.. I'm not sure if it makes them snobs though.

RaskolnikovsGarret Thu 23-Jun-16 21:10:09

Spark, that doesn't make them snobs, it's just a lifestyle choice. It becomes snobbery when they make other people feel inferior to them by what they say or do.

Letmehaveausername Thu 23-Jun-16 21:10:09

Sorry but I think YABU, your post just comes across all judgey and jealous. You've not actually described anything that could be classed as being a snob. Maybe a bit uncouth to talk about money so much but that's life. If you don't like them stay away from them, or tell them that you think it's unsavoury to talk about money.

AyeAmarok Thu 23-Jun-16 21:10:31

So just look down on them right back at them, they pity you for X, you pity them for Y.

I don't see why you let it bother you so much.

Whatthefoxgoingon Thu 23-Jun-16 21:11:00

I wouldn't get snobby about being a career less brood mare. It's not much to be proud of.

windygallows Thu 23-Jun-16 21:11:18

And it's hard to give particular examples it's just a sort of cumulative, nuanced communication of snobbery and hierarchy-creating through the things they have said and done.

And I think I'm still baffled to encounter women who really think 'marrying well' is a thing and ambition.

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