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to feel like I never have a say, even for my birthday.

(16 Posts)
lill72 Thu 23-Jun-16 08:41:09

Have a lovely group of girlfriends , but things are becoming increasingly tense for me as I feel like I never get a say in group things. Whenever I try and make a plan for the group, someone tries to take over, changing the plan. Being the easy going person I am, I just let it go. But after a while, if you never feel like you get a say, it becomes a bit tireseome.

I asked a friend ages ago if they were free for a birthday celebration and the date was good. Then this friend brought up to the group that we need to organise something for my birthday, so I suggested this date. Now my friend is not free, even though she said she was. Then asking me if I am free the day before for everyone to come to her event. Really!? Another is not free due to other circumstances which is fair enough.

Just feel like when anyone else makes a date, everyone tries to make it, but I somehow have to plan my birthday round everyone else. Can they not think of me for a second. Feels like they are so wrapped up in their selves. they aren't really thinking of me. I am over it. We have a birthday celebration for everyone in the group, but I would rather not have one at the moment..

It's not really the birthday , it is how the whole group dynamic works now that worries me...

ideas on what to do moving forward?

DarlingCoffee Thu 23-Jun-16 14:34:08

Find new friends?

branofthemist Thu 23-Jun-16 15:02:37

Why can't your friends do both?

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Thu 23-Jun-16 15:14:26

Some friendship groups have a dynamic where someone is often 'the organiser' and some people don't mind what happen, are too lazy to organise or aren't assertive enough to take charge.
(I should add that I am not the organiser in any of my groups! lazy and disorganised )
But it could be that your friends are used to you being easy and it didn't occur that you would mind. It seems unkind to not check, though, seeing as it was your birthday.

If you suggest a restaurant for example and everyone agrees, then later the plans are changed would you say 'Oh but I really wanted to try that place' or would you just not say anything and go along with the others? If you never tell your friends what you really want to do then maybe you can't expect them to know what you want to do?

Happy birthday for whenever it is. I hope you manage to do something nice wine cake flowers

myownprivateidaho Thu 23-Jun-16 15:38:22

Hmm depends if you made clear she was to keep the date free. Asking if she was free then not organising anything doesn't oblige her to keep it free. And maybe she suggested to the group that you should celebrate your birthday because she realised you hadn't sorted anything and thought you weren't going to. Sorry but I think you need to adopt a glass half full attitude with this one. 'My friend wants to celebrate my birthday' is not the problem of the century....

lill72 Thu 23-Jun-16 15:48:04

thanks for your coments - it's helpful

Dontbuy - I usually go along with the group and things are usually more out of my way than them as they lie a bit closer to one another. I never complain and I don't mind - however it would be nice if they did something I wanted sometimes. I would say something maybe if a plan changed, however it always seems like I am being difficult where as when others have an opinion it does not come across like this. I try to be assertive but it does not really work.

I even organised a birthday party for a friends DS an another mate tried to hijack and get everyone to come to hers on the day instead! even though said friend had helped my buy party hats the day before. Just does not make sense why she would do this.

Agree no one obliged to keep a date til set in stone. But I had asked her whether it would suit her age ago so she might have asked me again when the second plan came up. or try to do both. She often doesnt make much effort to come to some things as she has other 'more important; stuff on.

yes nice someone to think of my birthday. There is just other underlying issues here. The same people always take control - however should not I be able to have the say on my birthday? The rest of the group seem to be able to make it to the other birthdays and make the effort. I may have outgrown the group as I feel tense about it all.

lill72 Thu 23-Jun-16 15:48:27

live a bit closer

Hassled Thu 23-Jun-16 15:52:34

I think it's time to dig your heels in and say "No, the plan is that my birthday celebration is on X date - if you can't make that date then it'll be a shame not to see you". And keep saying that. And if you end up without a birthday celebration it will suck and be horrible, but you'll know who your friends are.

lill72 Thu 23-Jun-16 16:07:13

This is what my husband said I should do. Everyone else seems to be free for everyone elses birthdays. It really is a no win situation. Think I will just not do anything with them. We were really close, but I wonder now.

CoraPirbright Thu 23-Jun-16 16:10:57

Can you not just meet the friends who can make that date? Tell the one who can't (and who seems to think the world revolves around her) that its a shame she can't make it but you will raise a glass to her!

lill72 Thu 23-Jun-16 16:26:20

Cora yes I can. However there is one other that may be able to make or not and the others still waiting for a response.

Yes you are right - this girl does think the world revolves around her.and never goes out of her way to do anything for others. Slightly worn down by it all. She on the other hand wouldnt have a clue what she has done wrong.

girlywhirly Thu 23-Jun-16 17:17:58

The way I always work is that you choose a date convenient for yourself, or the actual date of a birthday or anniversary. People attend if they can and want to, or they don't. You will never suit everyone's wishes. but you need to tell people what you want and not just let them railroad you. Do what is best for you.

GoblinLittleOwl Thu 23-Jun-16 17:27:50

Sorry, but this isn't about your birthday, or even you. You are part of a group of women who need an excuse for a Bit of a Do, and there are a couple of members who need to have absolute control over the arrangements, and a great deal else, probably.
Stick to your original plans and don't attempt to accommodate the awkward ones; next year announce your arrangements well in advance, make no compromises.
Or alternatively, ease yourself out of the group. You will quickly discover who your real friends are.

mylovegoesdown Thu 23-Jun-16 17:28:17

You set the date for your birthday celebration and they attend or not.

I don't attend things I don't want to or can't. I don't expect other people to either. If people aren't that interested in doing something for your birthday then perhaps they're not really friends?

I really don't understand all the angst that some people seem to experience with adult friendships but that's possibly just me!.

lill72 Fri 24-Jun-16 22:39:54

Goblin - I totally agree.
It always seems to be them in control and it is really getting to me.

Mylove - you know I really dont have this with most friends. I am not from the UK and this is a close girls group I have made over here. So it means a lot more if I fall out with them. I am quite a sensitive soul so it maybe affects me a bit more. That is just me.

lill72 Fri 24-Jun-16 22:44:32

So I have mentioned to my friend that I did ask her about that date - waiting for a response. Do I go ahead with the date knowing she can't come or change for them - again. I feel like I cannot win either way...

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