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More of a WWYD? Moral dilemma

(197 Posts)
Zarathustrasilver Wed 22-Jun-16 21:05:27

NC for this.

I have been separated from my husband for 5 years and we are now finally getting round to sorting out the financials and our divorce.

We were together for 7 years before getting married and married for 2 years before we split up. I'm currently renting with no chance of getting onto the property ladder until I have saved a deposit.

We met in 2002, I moved into his house in 2003 and I went onto the mortgage in 2005. We then married in 2009. We have no children together. I left the marriage with nothing, he is still in the house with our 2 dogs. I contributed to the house financially from when I moved in, 8 years before we split up.

The split has been more than amicable, we are still friendly and have met up for a few times for coffee and a chat to discuss the financial stuff and text and chat on the phone every so often.

We have joint debts amounting to approx 10k. His suggestion was that he will pay off the joint debt and I will come off the mortgage and then we would be completely separate from each other financially. This was agreed about a year after we split. I was in complete agreement about walking away and not asking for anything else. The reason for this was over my guilt over how we separated because I left him for someone else who I now have 1 child with.

Last month we got the ball rolling by going to a solicitor each to draw up a separation agreement.

My solictor told me that I would be legally entitled to a substantial amount of money after the debts are cleared off.

I was aware that I would be legally entitled to money as we were married and I was on the mortgage however I had decided years ago that I wouldn't ask for anything because of the guilt I would feel asking this after I left for him someone else and that it was his house to begin with.

So really what I'm asking is what would you do in this situation? Would you ask for a cash lump sump sum as well as what we'd agreed?

RandomMess Wed 22-Jun-16 21:09:58

You contributed to the property for 8 years, therefore yes you should take what you are entitled to. However, in your position I would probably ask for less than my entitlement based on what my ex could afford. I would also deduct my share of the dog costs grin

You agreed to take nothing without any legal advice which was naïve and about your guilt.

Zarathustrasilver Wed 22-Jun-16 21:19:36

We didn't want to take legal advice because we wanted to keep it amicable and keep the costs down (and perhaps, from his side, because he knew what I would be entitled to).

I wasn't prepared to sign over the house without the debt being cleared and he didn't want to clear the debt without the mortgage being in his name in case any either of us went back on our word. So we then sought legal advice to draw up a separation agreement.

He will hate me if I ask for more. The guilt of how we separated took a very long time for me to come to terms with. If I go down the route of asking for more then I really don't know if I can handle that guilt again and then him hating me. I lost all our "friends" over it but for some reason he's still very friendly with me. The cynical friends I have think it's just because he knows what I am entitled to.

Lighteningirll Wed 22-Jun-16 21:22:17

Walk away you left him have some dignity and stick to what you agreed

TweedAddict Wed 22-Jun-16 21:24:29

Stick to what you agreed

Dozer Wed 22-Jun-16 21:24:39

I would pursue the cash!

acasualobserver Wed 22-Jun-16 21:25:27

Is giving your word something important to you? If you ask for more it means going back on your word. If you can live with that, then ask for more. It sounds as though you have a good case.

caroldecker Wed 22-Jun-16 21:25:41

If you ask for more money, then you do not feel guilty - you just think people will think badly of you - which they will.

OnionKnight Wed 22-Jun-16 21:27:22

Stick with what you agreed, you left him for somebody else.

IonaNE Wed 22-Jun-16 21:29:27

Stick to your word.

millymollymoomoo Wed 22-Jun-16 21:32:19

I think you should get your share of contributions you put in.....so if over the 9 years together you contributed say 20% of mortgage then you should ask for 20% share of increase in equity during that time......or some other easy to calculate basis. I don't think you should get nothing. What sort of contributions did you make and how much do you think is fair and reasonable settlement ?

Savemefromwine Wed 22-Jun-16 21:32:45

Oh no op. Stick to what you agreed and move on. You will feel better in the end by acting with dignity.

Crunchymum Wed 22-Jun-16 21:32:58

Given the full situation... you already agreed xyz with your ex and the fact you left him for another man then I'd back off.

MudCity Wed 22-Jun-16 21:35:46

This is where integrity should come into play. Stick to your word and do so with dignity.

Chris1234567890 Wed 22-Jun-16 21:39:23

Whilst £ signs always nudge an ex's interest (a lot worse is going to be said ) I agree with the stick to your word. The reality of pursuing him for a share of the equity, in reality means he either a/ has to remortgage to raise the funds to pay you off or b/ sell his home to pay you off.
Brilliant.
Either way, nice piece of work stitching that one up? (More of what'll be coming you're way)

You had some lovely times together, you now have a wonderful future with your wonderful child, why oh why do you want to be someone you'd despise?

2BottlesofWhiskeyfortheWay Wed 22-Jun-16 21:40:16

When I give my word I mean it. Depends what your word means to you.

You're legally entitled though, he may never speak to you again but he can't stop you.

eyebrowse Wed 22-Jun-16 21:42:02

You will sort everything out more quickly to get on with your new life if you leave it as is.

ChangedDays Wed 22-Jun-16 21:42:04

Chris. Nicely put.

Don't be a vulture.

WordGetsAround Wed 22-Jun-16 21:44:57

Stick to your word. Look at your payments as rent for that period of your life.

RabbitSaysWoof Wed 22-Jun-16 21:46:16

Unless I was up shit street financially I would stick to my word.

Hereforthebeer Wed 22-Jun-16 21:46:31

You should stick to what you agreed.

You seem to want your cake and to eat it.

He would be left having to sell his house.

You would be left with a lump sum, your new family; including new man (who you left him for) and your child.

Don't be a bad person.

RaeSkywalker Wed 22-Jun-16 21:46:43

I would do as I said I would. How much did you contribute?

DJBaggieSmalls Wed 22-Jun-16 21:46:55

Could you live with yourself? I wouldn't do it.

SantinoRice Wed 22-Jun-16 21:47:45

Is what you contributed to the mortgage greater than what you would have paid in rent over the same period?

i.e. are you better or worse off financially than if you had never met him?

witsender Wed 22-Jun-16 21:49:14

I would stick with what you agreed. It was his house, you have no kids so haven't given up a career or whatever and have moved on to a new life. Or if you must, just discuss what you actually contributed in the short term that you lived there and balance it against the debt that has been paid off.

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