Uncle uninvited DH from wedding

[NCchicken]

Namechanged so this isn't linked to my usual name if I'm recognised.

The background is that my aunt and uncle raised me since I was 9 years old as my mum died and my father wasn't around. I am very grateful that they took me in and I know I owe them so much for it. However their family dynamic was different from what I was used to. I had been raised just going to church on Sunday but not really thinking about religion too much otherwise. My aunt and uncle are very stricly religious. They HE my cousins (and me when I lived there) with a very religious program. They believe that men are the dominant sex and work etc and women have babies and raise the children. Weddings are a big deal as once you marry you are promised for life as they don't believe in divorce (If anyone has watched 19 kids and counting on tv it's like that with slightly less kids)

We live 6 hours drive away so we only see them once a year. However this suits my family really as DH and I are atheist and we don't want our DCs influenced by some of the sexism etc within my aunt and uncles house.


So to the point one of my cousins is getting married in the summer. My aunt and uncle are paying and arranging most of it. They invited DH the DCs and me a month ago and said that we could stay in the family home for the weekend of the wedding. We accepted and DH booked the time off for that weekend which means we won't get a family holiday this summer.

My uncle called DH while he was at work and said that the arrangements have changed and they want us to stay for a week. DH said sorry but he can't take that many days off.but he could still attend the wedding and he would ask me if I could go down for the week with the DCs.

Admittedly I expected them to call and because they would need someone to care for their younger DCs and GC while they sort the wedding stuff and the other older cousin's are all a part of the wedding themselves.


We called them to ask for more details of what they wanted. They told us that they wanted us to care for the younger DCs. I said I would go with the DCs and DH could come for the weekend. My uncle said no either DH comes for the week or he doesn't come at all. I said I would have to think about it as I would like DH to be there. He has already booked the time off and I would like him to help with our DCs so I can also enjoy the wedding. Uncle said that DH wasn't invited and if I don't come for the week they will be very upset and disappointed and my rethink my place in the wedding and as a part of the family unit as being a part of the family means working with each other. They also pointed out how good they were too me and how they still include me in everything despite our different lifestyles.

I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to upset any one they are the only extended family I have. But I would like to spend at least the weekend with DH as he has used the last of his time off. DH said if I want to go he doesn't mind but he would rather spend his time off with his family. I am also annoyed that they changed the arrangements and are now being difficult.

So AIBU to want DH there and what should I do.now to sort this all out.

[hideouspain]

Why do they want him there for the week?

[dustarr73]

Stay with your dh,they changed plans so its their lookout.

[FreezerBird]

Play by their rules. You couldn't possibly go without DH or go against his wishes, surely, what with him being Head Of The Family.

[anorakgirl]

This is emotional blackmail. Yes they took you in and brought you up but this feels like you 'owe' them. You have been flexible enough but don't let them railroad you

[Stratter5]

They sound batshit

[CodewordRochambeau]

This is bizarre. I don't under why they're being so intransigent. Does DH have to 'earn' his place at the wedding by providing childcare?

[NervousRider]

I think that you should stay with your DH. They do not sound very nice people.

[RaeSkywalker]

You have them a perfectly reasonable solution, and they declined it. I don't think you should give in.

[Lunde]

You need to support your DH.Taking a weekend for a wedding is more than reasonable. Your uncle sounds very controlling and I would not attend if my DH was banned. You must not allow your family bully him.

It sounds as though this uncle may be attempting to isolate you from DH. Given their religious view perhaps you should tell them that you are not allowed to attend without DH

[Lucked]

I would communicate directly with your cousin who is getting married, I know they are probably powerless given the family dynamic and if it is all being payed for but at least they would know you and your DH would have loved to have come but that you have been blackmailed and backed into a corner.

[JakeBallardswife]

Can you not stay in a travel inn locally or even camp the night before and after and just see them at the wedding? I think they sound a bit mad, you'd be perfectly within your rights to do what suits you and your family unit.

[JakeBallardswife]

Like the posters idea above, tell them DH won't allow you to attend without him!

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

How long are you going to do things because you "owe them" for raising you (when you were a child and had no control over the situation)?

How often do you feel you have to go along with things you don't like because of the "I owe them" card?

If you raise children, biologically yours or not, temporarily fostered or a permanant part of your family it's you the adult that owes them a decent upbringing - because they're children! A captive audience to your care! You don't make them "repay" their upbringing to you for the rest of their adult life! Being cared for should be the default in any child's life, and it wasn't as loving as you think if it's being used against you ever since!

[Pettywoman]

I wouldn't put up with this controlling bullshitery. It sounds awful, I'd not go.

[Pettywoman]

Good post Adulting.

[Taylor22]

They don't see you as part of their family. You're the babysitter.
Tell them that you will be spending a lovely weekend with YOUR family and as such will not be attending the wedding at all.
They are emotionally blackmailing you. You don't owe them anything.

[honeyroar]

I would tell them that while you appreciate them bringing you up, and while you were all really looking forward to the wedding, this is not a reason for them to bully you and ostracise your husband. Tell them that if they are going to make threats about leaving you out of the family if you don't comply you'll be very upset, but that they have to understand that your husband and children are also their family too and should be included.

[AyeAmarok]

They sound batshit.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

No way on earth would I go now after they treated him like that. He doesnt need to be there for a week, he offered to join you later.

Your uncle sounds like a controlling twat.

[AddToBasket]

Write the nicest warmest letter saying how your DH's job comes first and you are a strong family and do things together, you'll have to miss out this time. Then write a nice warm letter to the bride and groom wishing them well.

And then book yourselves a nutter-free long weekend somewhere.

[NCchicken]

I don't know why they want DH there for the full week. They probably want him to help setting up the wedding.
I just feel like I should help them as they raised me when no-one else wanted me.

We can't stay in a hotel as it is pretty rural and there aren't many accommodation options and they will be full with the other wedding guests.

[lydiarose]

Their behaviour is far from 'Christian' or whatever religion they are. Is this how their church teaches them to behave towards others?

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

I just feel like I should help them as they raised me when no-one else wanted me.

You weren't your absent father, you weren't responsible for your mother's death, you were a passive innocent child in the situation, you don't "owe them" and if they made you feel that way, well they didn't welcome you into their family as whole heartedly as they should have done with a bereaved child in your circumstances!