More a WWYD - lift to work being expected

[IloveJudgeJudy]

This is a thread I never thought I'd have to write.

I work shifts, but not in a regular rotating pattern (more's the pity, as I'd be able to plan my life far more easily).

I drive to work. It's not that far, maybe 3 miles, but there's no public transport within about a mile of the place, and certainly not at the times we sometimes have to start.

There's a man in my team who lives very near me on my route to work. When we're doing the same, or almost the same, shifts, I give him a lift to work. I don't or rather didn't, mind, even though i sometimes have to leave earlier than I'd normally do, in order for him to be on time. Sometimes I give him a lift 5 times a week and some weeks not at all, as our shifts don't coincide. Just after this started, I did have to tell him that I expected him to be waiting for me, not the other way around. He does sometimes text me to give him a lift at the last minute.

Lately, however, I'm feeling very much taken for granted and I don't like it.

I'll give you a couple of examples that occurred just this last week. On Sunday my shift started and finished 15 minutes later than his. I had given him a lift to work and fully intended to bring him home, even though it would have meant hanging around for him to finish. I've done that a few times. On this occasion, however, I had finished my work, he wasn't in the department and all I could think about was getting home, especially as my unsocial hours mean I cherish every minute i can spend with DH and the DC. I left work without him! About 10 minutes after I'd arrived home I got a text from him, asking where I was. I told him I was at home. He texted back, saying he'll have to walk home. From that text I inferred he was expecting me to return and collect him.

Then yesterday, a few of us went out for a quick bite after work. He did ask for a lift. I parked, we got out of the car, he went to talk to other colleagues who'd just parked in the same place; meanwhile I paid for the parking. He didn't offer. Neither did he offer to pay for a drink or any of my food. He doesn't pay any petrol money either.

Today, he was meant to finish over an hour before me. I got outside and he was waiting by my car for a lift home.

WWYD in this situation? How shall I broach the question of his ingratitude? We do have to work very closely together. I don't know how to start the conversation and what exactly to say as I'm worried about spoiling our working relationship and that of the wider team. But... if I don't say anything I'm going to seethe with resentment.

[lilyboleyn]

"I need you to contribute to my petrol money. At the moment I am funding your transport to work all by myself."

[Gazelda]

How long has this arrangement been going on?

I honestly think you were unbelievably unreasonable! He had every reason to expect a lift home, you gave him no reason to believe otherwise. I'm not surprised he texted you, but you don't say that he ranted or was rude, so I don't think you can criticise him for that ocassion.

The rest however, yes he is an ugrateful arse. I think you need to meet him for a coffe during break time (or similar) and say that it's not working for you right now, tell him you feel as though he is taking advantage of your good nature. If he was remorseful and offered peteol money - would you feel inclined to carry on the arrangement with a review in 1 month? If you do, then tell him that. If you just want out, then I'd tell him that with no guilt. It's up to him to make his travel to work arrangements, and he needs to learn some manners!

[Akire]

It's rude to expect without offering. What does he do when you are not around? Charge him 50% of petrol then you both benefit. If he gets lift and free journey only he benefits that's not fair!

If he starts before you it's only your good will that gets him there again if he starting not to appreciate it then have before work stuff to do or childcare changes or whatever. Either you both happy or not don't make work for yourself and get nothing back

[Gazelda]

Sorry - the second paragraph should start with 'in the first example you give ...'

[oldlaundbooth]

You do not have a contract written in blood with this guy.

No explanation needed, just tell him from now on you can't give him a lift.

Stop being so British about the whole thing!

He's demonstrated that he takes you for granted - you've changed your routine to accommodate him and he still doesn't offer petrol money etc.

Ditch him!

[oldlaundbooth]

'What does he do when you are not around? '

He walks. It's a mile. A MILE. No big deal.

[branofthemist]

On the first instance I think it was off of you to not tell him you were going early when it was arranged you would give him a lift.

But the rest sounds annoying. If you go out of your way tell him he needs to contribute to petrol.

Or just tell him it's not working anymore and you don't want to be going early or leaving later

[AugustaFinkNottle]

Tell him straight, that you feel that you are being taken for granted, and that it will only work if he contributes to petrol and never expects you to wait around for him, even for a few minutes.

[louisejxxx]

Have you asked if he sometimes goes by the name "Liftzilla"?

[StealthPolarBear]

Hazel da I originally thought the same as you but actually I don't think there was ever an agreement op would take him home.
old is it not three miles?

[StealthPolarBear]

Grazelda that should have said. All depends on what the agreement was that day but I don't think it's reasonable to assume that because someone has kindly driven you into work that they have to drive you home again.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

As this is Mumsnet...

Can he not get a bike?

[MargaretCavendish]

If you go out of your way tell him he needs to contribute to petrol.

Surely he needs to contribute for petrol whether or not he's on the way? If I drove my next-door neighbour to work everyday I would expect them to offer petrol money (and I'd take it).

[AyeAmarok]

Start cyclists work!

[AyeAmarok]

Cycling **

[PolitelyDisagree]

First of all you need to decide what you want to acheive. It's silly to ask him for petrol money if you don't really want to give him a lift at all.

You could Tell him that you only want to give him a lift if the time is match up exactly and that when you do given the length of it like XXX in petrol money.

There there's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for petrol money. You shouldn't be embarrassed about it. Likewise if you want parking money then just ask.

[ThomasHardyPerennial]

I would have gone home and left him too - if he wasn't by the car or easily found, that's his problem. He could have sent a message if he was delayed. You're not his bloody mother, why should you chase him around when it's time to go home?

Is it worth compromising and only giving him a lift either there or back? I agree that there's no point asking for petrol money if you don't actually want to give him a lift anymore.

[Gabilan]

If it's a mile for him, he can just walk, unless it's a mile on a horrible road with no footpath. It's not even worth getting a bike, unless he'd feel safer at night.

[StealthPolarBear]

It's three miles isn't it? Have I missed a bit

[MinistryofRevenge]

Bin him. If he can send you a text asking where you are when you've been home ten minutes, he could have sent you a text before you left checking you were OK to give him a lift home. And three miles? Assuming he's in reasonable health, he could walk that in an hour, or cycle it in 10 minutes.

[NapQueen]

I would just say "obviously we have different expectations of this arrangement, so I think it's best if we end it."

Ywbu to leave that day without clearing up with him. However in the main he is bu. No way would I be going into work early or staying late to facilitate a lift. He can get a taxi if it's far enough for him to walk.

[Laiste]

I drive to work. It's not that far, maybe 3 miles, but there's no public transport within about a mile of the place, and certainly not at the times we sometimes have to start.

3 miles.

You're going to have to bite the bullet and either ask for pertol money - if that's really what you want, or tell him you'll not be able to give lifts any more. When he asks why you'll have to be blunt and say you're finding it all a bit of a faff with the waiting around ect.

[Gabilan]

Sorry, yes, it's 3 miles. A pp said it was a mile and I thought that was the op giving an update.

Either way, he isn't the OP's responsibility. You work out how to get yourself to work when you apply for a job.

[StealthPolarBear]

I honestly don't know if op was bu. Why should he expect a lift home (unless of course that was the agreement ) just because he got a lift there.

[expatinscotland]

If you don't want to give him a lift, then don't! You just tell him, 'I can't keep giving you lifts to and from work anymore. You'll need to make other arrangements.'

If you don't mind but you want money, you tell him, 'I feel really taken advantage of. I need X amount/no. of lifts or you need to make other arrangements.'