Last Christmas...row rages on.

(188 Posts)
SweetBerries Wed 22-Jun-16 17:12:29

My mil wanted DH to go to her house for Christmas last year, preferably with me but that was negotiable (we aren't great friends). I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and had spent most of the following 2 weeks in the ante natal unit because our baby wasn't moving. I told my DH that he could go, but I felt I needed to be near my hospital due to the problems we were having. He wouldn't have been able to get home til 28th December because of trains so I would have been on my own for around 4 days/nights.

My DH, being wonderful, told his mother that he wanted to stay with me. Cue nasty messages from mil to me (not him) saying how I had ruined her Christmas, that she was sure we'd have 'a lovely time with MY family' (who we weren't planning to see at all) and that the situation was all my fault. Obviously I was inconsolable - it was the last thing I wanted being that heavily pregnant. I cried for hours and when DH called her to ask her what she was playing at, she just hung up. She's never really been held to account on it.

I gave birth to DS via c-section on the 29th December.

Now, despite this all being last year, my mil has never apologised, doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year so that we can spend it with her and DH's extended family, who I have never met. She still thinks I deliberately ruined her Christmas last year because her son decided not to go and see them as he was about to have his first child.

AIBU here? Should we have gone? Should I be apologising to her? Is it wrong that I'm not very happy about having to fly to America with my baby for Christmas when I'd like to see my family on his first Christmas Day too?

Thanks everyone.

NapQueen Wed 22-Jun-16 17:14:09

Yanbu at all she is Batshit

I wouldn't cave to a single demand of hers any more.

Judgeaway Wed 22-Jun-16 17:15:04

I'd tell her no she has no right when she wont even speak to you

Makeoneupnow Wed 22-Jun-16 17:15:32

She's insane hth

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Wed 22-Jun-16 17:16:05

Don't go to Florida - you'll just be encouraging her unreasonable demands. Tell her you're staying at home now you have a child, she's more than welcome to join you.

quirkychick Wed 22-Jun-16 17:16:12

Yanbu! Your dh needs to have words with her. I would definitely not be going after that behaviour!

M00nUnit Wed 22-Jun-16 17:16:28

What a nasty woman! No YANBU and of course you shouldn't be apologising to her. The ways she's treated you and your DH is horrible and she owes you a grovelling apology.

originalusernamefail Wed 22-Jun-16 17:16:39

Are you in the UK OP? Like fuck would I be flying halfway round the world on the demand of someone who doesn't even give me the time of day.

CostaAddict Wed 22-Jun-16 17:16:42

Wow. She sounds batshit crazy. Do not give in to this lunatic's demands.

AugustaFinkNottle Wed 22-Jun-16 17:17:17

Of course YANBU. Tell her that after her behaviour last Christmas and her failure to apologise you really are not prepared to let her spoil another Christmas.

MargaretCavendish Wed 22-Jun-16 17:17:33

How can you possibly go if she won't speak to you? How would that even work?

MrsBertBibby Wed 22-Jun-16 17:17:41

You're going to Florida to see a woman who won't speak to you? That's nuts.

DJBaggieSmalls Wed 22-Jun-16 17:17:57

No you dont apologise. What if something had happened to the baby? She's lost the plot.
If you do visit in future you be yourself, and you dont apologise.

ProfessorPreciseaBug Wed 22-Jun-16 17:19:00

You are up duff and baby is not moving.. And MiL is only concerned about HER christmas?

YABVR ... no way should you be moving about so close to giving birth..
I feel very sad for you that MiL is so nasty. It might be difficult over the years, but your dh married you not her. In a marriage there should be a thousand words for we. There are no words for me.

FaFoutis Wed 22-Jun-16 17:19:19

YANBU
Don't go. Don't apologise. You did nothing wrong.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 22-Jun-16 17:19:59

Tell her fuck off. I wouldnt have anything to do with a woman who sent me vile messages, while heavily pregnant and worried about my baby. Your DH did what a good DH would do, be where he was needed.

Ouriana Wed 22-Jun-16 17:20:30

She ruined her own christmas by being a twat.

If she can not be polite to you why would you spend thousands of pounds to go be ignored by her on xmas day, and Im guessing your sons first birthday too?

In your position I woukld send a lovely polite email stating I was sorry but would not being going as your relationship is so strained, but hopefully during the next few years you will become closer and have large family christmas days as in be nice or fuck off. Then ignore, ignore and ignore.

OurBlanche Wed 22-Jun-16 17:21:06

Oh, stop it. Stop worriting over your cavalier treatment of the poor woman. Stop trying to defend your utterly selfish behaviour. Stop trying to make your DH leave his family, never to see them again. Stop deliberately ruining your MILs life with your self centred bollocks.

Now... one you get over the shock of reading that... has anyone said those words to you in real life? Has your DH blamed you for ruining his relationship with his mum?

Or have all the sane people you know looked a bit confused and asked what the fuck she thought her son would do for the birth of his first child, or his 21st child come to that?

Has your DH expressed any preference for going? I would say no, but then I hate that kind of holiday. I'd be so tempted to say no, you are looking forward to a lovely family Christmas with your parents, but that would be a bit like lighting the blue touch paper smile

SweetBerries Wed 22-Jun-16 17:22:48

Wow, I'm so happy I'm not the wrong one in this situation. Honestly, so relieved. She's made me feel so bad about it. I've only seen her once since and she didn't speak to me directly once; she actually cooed over DH more than the baby!

Originalusernamefail - Yes I'm in the UK. She's already booked the flights apparently so there will hell to pay if I now say we aren't going. I'm tempted to save up and give her the money back anyway. I don't want to be indebted to her for anything.

She once told DH that she wanted him to have a black girlfriend next as white women were trouble (I'm white, she's black). I can't help but think this has something to do with it, along with the fact I've taken her youngest away from her.

Leeds2 Wed 22-Jun-16 17:24:04

She can insist all she likes, but you absolutely do NOT have to go to Florida. Tell her quite firmly that you and DS will not be going or you may find she will buy tickets anyway which may make it harder for you to get out of. Your DH can obviously make his own mind up, although I would be surprised if he was happy to miss his son's first Christmas and first birthday, and that he would expect you to travel given what happened last year.

Leeds2 Wed 22-Jun-16 17:25:06

Sorry, cross post. I see she has already bought the tickets.

KateLivesInEngland Wed 22-Jun-16 17:25:50

May I ask what HTH stands for? Sorry ...

Op, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Not in any way shape or form.
Your mil sounds like the most hateful nasty witch in my opinion!

Please do not spend a fortune flying off to Florida just for her to repeat the vile behaviour and spoil another Christmas and, presumably, your sons first birthday.

SweetBerries Wed 22-Jun-16 17:25:57

OurBlanche - No haha you are right, nobody has said that to me. I tend not to mention it to anyone as it's a bit raw really. I still get a bit upset thinking about the messages. Blue touch paper is accurate, she likes to jump on anything I do that isn't what she wants. I've been told that if we don't go, DH's grandparents may never get to meet DS and that will be on me, basically.

Like a bloody pressure cooker this situation!

DartmoorDoughnut Wed 22-Jun-16 17:27:12

Well isn't she a delightful racist piece of shit!

YANBU and I wouldn't go within 50yards of that woman let alone on holiday with her!!

DartmoorDoughnut Wed 22-Jun-16 17:27:58

Say you'll take him for Easter if great-grandparents can't come over

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