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oneupmanship by DM

(21 Posts)
Morporkia Wed 22-Jun-16 10:54:16

well have just written a 6 page essay on this and decided to condense..
DM very generous, gives DS (21 at uni) and DD (18 at college) monthly allowance. things tight here as DH has chronic illness. DS moving so needs deposit..we pay1/3, he pays 1/3 DM offered to pay 1/3..well that was the agreement. spoke to DS yesterday to make sure money had transferred. when i reminded him to phone nanny to thank her too, he said "already done it. because she phoned rental agent and paid the lot!".. just feel a bit gutted because we had agreed that we would all pay the same. she does this at xmas too..i tell her what i bought kids/how much card money they getting...she always has to "top" what we've done. i love her dearly but just once I'd like my kids to think that we were all on level pegging. this probably doesnt even make sense, but for some reason this time it has really upset me. AIBU? should i just be happy that DS doesn't have to pay out himself? Jeez..i couldnt even buy her lunch for mothers day..when i went to the loo she went to cash desk and paid bill :-(

ParisGellar Wed 22-Jun-16 10:55:48

She's only trying to be nice and help out. Yabu!

branofthemist Wed 22-Jun-16 10:58:21

I kind of get where you are coming from. Mum works fort a kids cloths company and whenever I mention getting the kids some new clothes she has loads because he gets a massive discount and buys them in the sale.

I do feel a bit put out. But I always remind myself she is doing it to be nice. No one up man ship. To help us out and accept graciously.

DeathStare Wed 22-Jun-16 10:58:31

I'd like my kids to think that we were all on level pegging

But from the sounds of it financially you aren't level-pegging. And your DC are old enough to be aware of that and understand it. They are also old enough to understand that more money doesn't equal more love. Your DM is an adult and your DCs are also adults. What money they choose to give to each other is really their own business.

RedHelenB Wed 22-Jun-16 10:59:20

YABU - use the money for something else that he needs for his flat.

MargaretCavendish Wed 22-Jun-16 11:00:15

spoke to DS yesterday to make sure money had transferred. when i reminded him to phone nanny to thank her too, he said "already done it. because she phoned rental agent and paid the lot!"

So he's pocketed your money and only mentioned it when you explicitly mentioned his grandmother? Classic grin

DJBaggieSmalls Wed 22-Jun-16 11:01:07

YANBU, its over the top. And not letting you pay for lunch on Mothers Day shows it up for what it is.
She cant take anything graciously from other people, she has to be the one everyone is thanking.
Let it be, you cant change it. You'll have to find a way to accept it.

gotthemoononastick Wed 22-Jun-16 11:02:10

You are her child OP .I would do exactly the same for my adult child.Sometimes one just wants to lighten the load a little.
It is much harder to learn to accept gracefully than to give.
This is absolutely not 'undermining'.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Wed 22-Jun-16 11:02:56

I get you, my DMs a bit like this. As the parent you want to be the one helping and supporting your child. When I start feeling a bit grrr about it I remind myself that a) it's only coming from a good place. My DM knows I'm struggling financially and wants to help and b) that it all benefits my son.

WorraLiberty Wed 22-Jun-16 11:03:37

If your dh has a chronic illness and things are a bit tight, it sounds as though she's clearly trying to help.

It doesn't sound like 'oneupmanship' at all to me. More like an over helpful Mother/Grandmother who means well.

WRT going out for meals, you need to give your card to the waiting staff as soon as you get there (on the quiet), or when you book and tell them to only accept payment from that card.

We have to do that when we go for family meals, because my Dad always tries to pay smile

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Wed 22-Jun-16 11:04:15

If I had the money my dc were struggling I would do the same.

I wouldn't let someone with money worries pay for my dinner knowing how big an impact it would make on their finances when I could easily afford it without making cutbacks.

I wouldn't let my kids scrimp and save for something I could easily afford, and happily pay for.

She's just trying to help out.

WorraLiberty Wed 22-Jun-16 11:08:07

Won't your DS's student loan cover his living accommodation anyway?

Morporkia Wed 22-Jun-16 11:16:05

i think it's the fact that she goes behind my back to do it. if she said to me "look i'll pay his deposit, you get him something for the house" it wouldn't be as annoying. and to clarify, her financial position isn't much better than ours, she just chooses to put a lot of stuff on credit DS's deposit.. Worraliberty..his loan will cover his rent, but he won't get that until next term starts and they are moving at the end of this month, so he needed a bit of help with the outlay.

Morporkia Wed 22-Jun-16 11:18:51

Margaret, lol...yes, he did wait to tell me, but he also offered to give our bit of the money back to us.

Birdsgottafly Wed 22-Jun-16 11:26:59

My Mum used to do the same, she died last year and left savings and a house, to be split.

I rent and I'd struggle to get the level of savings that she left.

I don't see it as 'One Upmanship'. I now 'treat' my GD, in practical ways, such as clothing, days out. It's what Nans (or other family members), do.

My eldest DD and her DP, again, have more money than me. They also buy big items for her, that would be a struggle for me, or my other DD.

Unless there's other stuff going on, I'd be pleased.

It's hysterical that he's "offered" you, your money back.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Wed 22-Jun-16 11:27:38

I was going to say how lovely that she has saved you and your DS for forking out the deposit, then I read the rest and yes it does sound annoying. But have you not learned by now not to tell her what you are getting so she can't do this?

Use the money you were going to for the deposit to buy your DS some nice things for the flat. I'm sure he will appreciate it.

EttaJ Wed 22-Jun-16 11:30:52

I have the exact opposite with my DM. So you should be appreciative of her generosity to her GC and helping you out.

youshouldcancelthecheque Wed 22-Jun-16 11:36:19

I wouldn't get angry and just save the money for something else.

LazyJournalistsQuoteMN Wed 22-Jun-16 11:41:07

I don't think there is malace in her actions, she wants to help her dgs. I hope she is as generous with all her dgc.

Morporkia Wed 22-Jun-16 11:54:33

yeah he offered to give us the cash told him to buy a new mattress..PLEASE buy a new mattress. problem with my mum is that she is equally as generous to both my kids (im an only child) but she admitted that every month she goes into her overdraft cos of their allowance. i told her to stop giving it to them, she point blank refused, saying "what would they think of me"..that pissed me right off, i have brought my kids up to be grateful for what they get, and they would NEVER think any less of her if she stopped their allowances. i feel like she feels like she has to buy their (and me & DH's) affection. and she doesnt. i have tried to explain this before but she doesnt hear it

Morporkia Wed 22-Jun-16 12:34:07

also feel i have to clarify that although i said things are tight, we are not destitute! we just have to prioritize our money a bit. e.g we don't splurge on nights out/holidays very often, but we always have enough to pay bills, food etc. DM also gets put out by other people's generosity. I received £500 from my uncle on my 30th birthday and although she smiled and said how nice, she grumbled to my cousin (his son) that the gift was too much as we aren't very close. when MIL bought DD a new coat, the following weekend DM took DD out and bought her a whole new outfit, including shoes, haircut and nails... DH reckons she has abandonment issues cos she left me with my GPs when she remarried and moved abroad for a couple of years...this has never bothered me, btw.. i loved my time with them and i got to sunbathe every 3 months when i visited her!....sigh..i love my mum i really do, but it just gets a bit wearing.

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