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AIBU, to feel angry that she stole my baby name after mc?

(40 Posts)
Whooptydoo1 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:17:23

Hi, over the past couple of years I've had 5 miscarriages, I had one DS prior to the string of mc, we had always said that if we had a daughter we would call her "X" when I was a couple of months pregnant prior to my first mc, a close family member also became pregnant, we were discussing baby names and I mentioned that we wanted the name "X", fast forward several months and I've lost my baby, she then gives birth and announces babies name as "X". We'd discussed her ideas for names and she never once mentioned this name again, in fact referring to several others until it was announced the name would be a 'surprise'. Am I out of order for feeling really hurt/angry about this? Thanks everyone x

sixinabed Mon 20-Jun-16 21:21:01

You're not out of order to feel how you do, and it's understandable - but you don't know if she had also planned on 'X' but then felt unable to say once you had, and so discussed other names hoping to come around to them.
But I totally get why you were upset. So sorry for all you mc flowers

Storminateapot Mon 20-Jun-16 21:25:41

You are a bit, you don't own the name and you can't put dibs on it so nobody else you know is allowed to use it until you have a daughter. What if you have a son?
You assume the importance of the conversation is as strong in her memory as it is in yours. She might not remember it at all - might just have been shooting the breeze with you. Then she has a daughter and the X name comes to mind as a nice one.

Funnily enough when I was at uni many years ago I had the name conversation with my flat mates. I recall one said she'd always intended to call a daughter X. I wasn't keen on the name at the time - I was only about 20. Fast forward 10 years and my friend did have a daughter, but called her something else. I had a daughter a few years later and called her the X name we'd discussed years prior that I'd said I wasn't keen on!

fuckincuntbuggerinarse Mon 20-Jun-16 21:27:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toobreathless Mon 20-Jun-16 21:30:39

It's insensitive, might she have forgotten your conversation?

Also depends a bit on the actual name, if its very popular and 'now' - Isla, poppy etc YABabitU

If it's unusual then that's a bit different IMO.

(So sorry for your miscarriages)

ThatsMyStapler Mon 20-Jun-16 21:30:48

yes - its ok to be upset and sad - but you dont own a name, and if you want the name then you are still allowed to use it if you have a DD - screw anyone who thinks its wrong - its fine!

NavyAndWhite Mon 20-Jun-16 21:31:52

Sorry about your miscarriages OP.

Is the name quite unusual or something that's popular now?

Whooptydoo1 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:37:01

It's a close family member (who I've done a lot for) so I can't use the name, I wouldn't have minded if she'd said that's the name she wanted, she apparently told other ppl but not me, just mentioned other names, and it wasn't a long period of time (approx 6 months). I totally agree I don't have monopoly on the name but it seems she deliberately hid it from me, I would've just appreciated a heads up I guess, I wouldn't have done that to her, feel like she could've talked to me about it rather than keeping quiet until it was too late

historyismything Mon 20-Jun-16 21:38:51

Not in your position OP (sorry to hear of your miscarriage) my daughter has an unusual-ish name and I heard a mum in the playground call her daughter the same name. I know I don't own the name but I can't help but feel like, you stole my name! Stupid I know! Copying is the most sincere form of flattery... Or so I tell myself!

Whooptydoo1 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:40:08

It's hard to explain in detail without potentially identifying myself but I guess it's not really an unusual name, I've not said anything and never would, I just feel a bit hurt I suppose

Believeitornot Mon 20-Jun-16 21:41:56

Maybe she didn't mention it because she felt she would hurt you.

But from her perspective, she isn't doing it to hurt you. People get quite attached to names for their DCs - if she got the idea in her head that that would be her DCs name then it is difficult for her to amend it.

So I understand your hurt but I don't think it was deliberate.

DeathStare Mon 20-Jun-16 21:44:25

Same happened to me. Really hurt us and pissed us off. If we ever get our baby we will still use the name and if anyone says anything about two babies with the same name in very close family they will verbally get it with both barrels.

Storminateapot Mon 20-Jun-16 21:46:56

Is it possible she didn't discuss naming her child with you out of misplaced sensitivity to your feelings, given your mc's?

I do get why are you are upset. However, there are so many beautiful girl's names, I'm sure you'll choose another perfect (even better) one when the time comes. I found the list of names I'd made when I was pregnant with my daughter and showed it to her recently. There were some 'what was I thinking' names, but there were easily at least 5 that I still really liked and my daughter said she'd have been happy to have been called.

YoureNotAlone Mon 20-Jun-16 21:52:19

You need to have the same attitude as DeathStare op. You don't own the name, no, but neither do they.

we had always said that if we had a daughter we would call her X Is all you need to say, but out loud if needs be.

Good luck to both you and DeathStare flowers

Bogeyface Mon 20-Jun-16 21:53:12

Yes yes "You dont own a name" but there are limits.

If a friend of mine had miscarried a child that I knew she would call X had it been born, then no way I would use it. Its insensitive and very hurtful. It would make me change how I viewed someone tbh.

Had she not known then it would be painful to hear but thats just how it goes sometimes. To know and still use it makes her a nasty and selfish person imo.

Whooptydoo1 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:56:30

Thankyou everyone, I know I'm being irrational, and that I perhaps wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't had so many mc, I hadn't considered that she might have kept it from me in a kind of fu way of saving my feelings. Just hard hearing my DS and other family say her name when I lost my babies who (in my mind) maybe had that name, thanku for your thoughts and support

lucy101101 Mon 20-Jun-16 22:01:11

I know lots of people have said of course that you don't own a name... but I had a stillborn and would be absolutely devastated if anyone close to me had used her name so I don't think YABU at all. I actually don't think I could have anymore to do with them. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, it isn't irrational at all, it really isn't.

MrsDeVere Mon 20-Jun-16 22:02:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sizeofalentil Mon 20-Jun-16 22:04:57

YANBU to be hurt by this. It must have come as a real blow and made you consider your loss all over again flowers. You would expect her to warn you/prepare you if she was going to do this. It's as much the sneaking as the name copying that must annoy you.

However, when you do have a daughter chances are she might not look anything like an 'X' and you will find another name that is beautiful and perfect for her.

I know this is a small comfort, but you could always give her 'X' as a middle name and choose another name for her first?

Or pray that a really tacky celeb called 'X' comes along and the name is slightly spoiled for the name stealer… wink

pictish Mon 20-Jun-16 22:08:04

I agree MrsDevere.

BlackberryandNettle Mon 20-Jun-16 22:08:22

Did she know the gender? It may be that she'd liked the name all along but thought why mention it as no need to risk upset/give away her girl choice as the same if maybe ends up being a boy?

Having said that, she would have at least suspected it would cause upset so yanbu to feel fed up.

ceebie Mon 20-Jun-16 22:09:35

You could mention to her that if you have a DD you will still use that name too. Might make you feel that you have taken back control a bit. The 'not owning a name' thing works both ways. You don't actually have to use it; you might change your mind at some later stage. But if you do, who cares if it's confusing having close family members with the same name? DH and his Dad have the same name, and he has a whole raft of uncles and cousins with matching names. Take that name back in your own head, it's still yours as much as hers.

cbigs Mon 20-Jun-16 22:10:21

God I really feel for you op. I'd find this really really hard to be ok with . flowers dunno if you're being unreasonable but I get it totally . sadangry

Noodledoodledoo Mon 20-Jun-16 22:15:36

I can see both sides a little. I understand the hurt a close family member named my nephew the same name as my ex - we had split up 6 weeks prior to the birth of my nephew and had been together for over 2 years.

I also checked with my Stepmum what the name of my Stepsisters still born was as I didn't want to choose it (we are not close and its not a name often mentioned so it hasn't stuck in my head) and cause heartache.

ItsyBitsyTeenyWeeny1233 Mon 20-Jun-16 22:16:45

YANBU to feel this way. You must have been devastated by your MC and now you have to hear the same
Name used for another baby. I can imagine that's very hard. However, If you were to act on those feelings and say something etc then YABU as you don't own that name and whilst it's insensitive you really don't know where else she may have heard the name or if she even remembers you mentioned that name. flowers

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