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To give him another chance?

(18 Posts)
Igotdaboobies Mon 20-Jun-16 19:31:49

Posting here mainly for traffic. I never post but would really like some opinions/ advice.

Will try to be brief: my ex (dd's dad) has been arrested for domestic abuse. Was arrested at the weekend. I found out about this when his gf called me on Sunday morning and told me what had happened the night before. Dd had seen ex push gf but nothing else- he then went on to hit her in the face, after which she left and went to the police.

Later on ex knew police were coming to arrest him so left dd asleep in bed and left the house. I'm not sure how long this was for but I am livid about it. He then went back to the house where he was arrested and two police officers stayed with dd until his gf came back to the house. (They assumed dd was her child and I have not been officially informed of anything by them- another story).

Dp and I went over to their house Sunday morning to collect dd and sat and listened and consoled her as she was obviously very upset.

Left her to it and later (long story short) she has agreed to go to some domestic violence anger management sessions with him. I assume she has retracted her statement.

So... What do I do now?

Dd adores him but was upset that he wasn't there on Father's Day to give him presents and cards she had made. It sounds oxymoronic, I know, but he is great with her. She's 5 by the way.

I know that he has serious issues stemming from his horrible upbringing and he definitely needs some sort of psychological help. I think maybe a combination of counselling and CBT.

I don't know what to do about his access to dd. Dp thinks I should cut him off completely and is pissed off that I didn't do so instantly. (Massive rows, sadly). I'm just not sure that zero contact is in her best interests compared with something controlled while he takes these classes and see how I goes?

Am I being naive and over-optimistic?

ConcreteUnderpants Mon 20-Jun-16 20:08:07

Controlled supervised short contact.
He hit his gf in the face and left your DD alone in the house FFS.
Utter twunt.

ButIbeingpoor Mon 20-Jun-16 20:27:43

I wouldn't leave my child at that age with someone who would leave her alone. Nor with someone who has anger issues and is violent.
Agree with some sort of supervised access though.

Heirhelp Mon 20-Jun-16 20:37:38

He has not been good with her. He has abused her by making her witness domestic violence and in doing so is giving the message this is normal behaviour. He has then left her in the house.

I would be see advice from SS but if it was my child he would not have unsupervised access.

OSETmum Mon 20-Jun-16 20:53:27

Well at the very least, contact needs to be supervised for a very long time and not by the gf as that's too much pressure to put on her when he's clearly happy to a use her infront of your Dd.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor Mon 20-Jun-16 22:13:18

He hit his partner while she was there, and then left her alone in the house? To avoid being arrested? And she's Aged 5???

And you want this man to have contact why?

Nobloodynamesleft Mon 20-Jun-16 22:23:02

Yes YABVU. Get some standards. The guy is scum. I would not want his influence around my dd. How can you be excusing him??? Have a word.

Buckinbronco Mon 20-Jun-16 22:27:35

Well he would be granted access though wouldn't he? If he took you to court? I thought the courts went by the idea that contact with a father was a given unless they were a danger to the children themselves (not other people - otherwise obviously men violent to their partners wouldn't get access)

I can see why you would cut him off, but if the courts think access under even these circumstances is best for the child then I can see why you would continue it- after all they must be making an evidence based decision on what's best for children.

HeddaGarbled Mon 20-Jun-16 22:28:33

If it went to court, the judgement would probably be supervised access initially, building up to unsupervised access if he can prove reliability long term.

Welshmaenad Mon 20-Jun-16 22:33:54

Witnessing domestic abuse is a child protection issue. It is emotional abuse and can have long term effects on children.

Ywbu to allow him unsupervised contact, or any contact where his gf is present.

Ywnbu to arrange supervised contact sessions whilst he undertakes the perpetrator sessions (FWIW my background is in DV support and I have seen these sessions be very effective for men who are committed to making changes - I hope your ex is).

What's his family like? If his mum is sensible and not blinkered to her son's faults, could she supervise contact at her home maybe?

Just to make you aware, it is likely that the police will have contacted social services because your DD was present for the violence and also left alone. I'm not saying that to panic you as you have nothing to be concerned about, but they may contact you to establish your plans re: contact with your ex going forward. If you have a sensible plan and seem switched on re: safeguarding they will probably just close with NFA but forewarned is fore armed and all that.

missymayhemsmum Mon 20-Jun-16 22:34:56

Er yes, you are being naive and over-optimistic. If you put your child in his care and anything kicks off again (and it will) you will be seen as having failed to protect her.
If this is the frst time he has done anything like this then break contact while he takes the classes and you can see whether things will escalate. If this is just how he behaves then you may need to stop contact altogether which will be hard for your dd but better longterm than having a father who abuses women, especially if he has the attitudes that go with that. Talk to Social Services.

lotsoffunandgames Mon 20-Jun-16 22:36:25

He left dd alone.poor thing.she would have been scared if she woke and she could have been in danger if a fire started.

She witnessed violence and being woken by police must have been frightening.

Supervised contact for now, until you trust him again.

Igotdaboobies Tue 21-Jun-16 07:10:13

Thank you for all the replies. Helps to have outside points of view.

Yes- the problem is that a court would allow him access so cutting him off now until he gets a court ruling I feel would only confuse and upset my daughter.

Thanks for the advice about contacting social services. I am a bit surprised that neither they nor the police have been in touch to inform me of what's happened. I am going to ring them today.

I want some more information about the programme he has signed up for and to find out whether whoever is running it can report back to me on how he is doing. I know that might sound a bit controlling but how else am I supposed to know if he's even going?

Igotdaboobies Tue 21-Jun-16 18:38:03

Update: I called social services today and they had no knowledge of the incident. They advised me to call 101 and ask for more information. I did this and the police wouldn't tell me a single thing. I find it astonishing that they would not inform the other parent if one was arrested for domestic violence. Surely that is a serious child protection issue? I'm absolutely livid. I partly suspected that they led the police to believe dd was just their child - maybe why I hadn't heard anything - but police wouldn't even confirm or deny that. Does anyone know any more about this?

MrsSpecter Tue 21-Jun-16 18:43:30

Surely the fact he left your DD alone (whilst trying to evade the police!) is neglect and he should be facing charges for that? Press charges. And keep your child the fuck away from him. She is depending on you to protect her. He wont, his girlfriend wont and the courts sure as hell wont. You need to.

Igotdaboobies Tue 21-Jun-16 19:00:01

How would I press charges for that?

MrsSpecter Tue 21-Jun-16 19:12:25

You go to the police and make a report of what he did to you. They'll take your statement, ask what injuries (if any) you sustained. If there are marks they might ask to take photos.

I also advise that you call women's aid.

MrsSpecter Tue 21-Jun-16 19:13:47

Sorry. Wrong thread, im on two at the same time.

You make a report that he left your child alone in the house whilst he was running from the police. Do social service know he did that?

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