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AIBU to be a little miffed.. WWYD?

(14 Posts)
meinthemiddle Mon 20-Jun-16 17:24:51

My 9 yo came home from school as as soon as we were in the car she told me something her best friend had said.

She said that her friends mum had called my daughter a bad word beginning with a B

After some probing, what was the word, brat? did it rhyme with witch? she still wouldn't tell me so I just thought I'd ask the words I was thinking of. It came to pass that the bad word was bitch.

I asked my DD what exactly was said and it transpires that the mother said her DD acted like a bitch just like insert my daughters name.

Now I am no angel, yes I swear, even in front of the kids sometimes but never ever would I call my kid or someone else's a bitch.

I don't have precious child syndrome with, yes my daughter can be a pain the backside and it's something she's working on as it came to a head a month or so ago. Just general silliness at home time at school, both girls running ahead, jumping into the car together and the constant "can so and so come round"

It built up and I blew my top one afternoon as DD kept putting me these awkward situations where I kept having to say no. Anyway, since then she's been pretty sensible and I thought things were ok. She told her friend she's on a warning to be more sensible, and she's not to ask me if friends can come round, that I make the plans etc and she's been told every time she asks I'll make her wait an extra month before allowing a friend over.

So yes, she can be a right royal pain the arse, but she's been working hard to stop this so credit where it's due.

I just don't really know what to do next. I didn't excuse the mother but did remind DD that her behaviour can sometimes look like she's a bit spoiled and the word she used to describe the girls isn't one I'd use and I also explained what bitch means. ie someone that isn't being very nice.

I'm not sure if I should say something to the mother, or just let it be.

I've told my DD if her friend says anything similar to just reply back ...

"yes I can be a bit silly sometimes but I'm trying really hard to be more sensible"

I don't even know if this was the right thing to say. She was very upset about it.

dowhatnow Mon 20-Jun-16 17:30:03

I wouldn't say anything more than "we don't say things like that about people because it's not very nice. Don't worry about it" and then I'd move on with the conversation.
The other issues you mention I'd continue working on separately.

dowhatnow Mon 20-Jun-16 17:31:42

And I'd tell her to tell her friend that it isn't a nice way to describe someone, if the subject comes up again.

lougle Mon 20-Jun-16 18:02:19

Yes, I agree. We don't use that word/ that's not a nice word.

I also tell my DD's that if an adult tells them to ignore X when they've been unkind, they actually mean 'ignore that unkind behaviour' not 'ignore that person'. We've also had chats about them all being <insert age> which means they are all learning about appropriate behaviour and can all make mistakes.

Nobody is a bitch at that age, they're just a young child who hasn't got their behaviour right yet.

threeelephants Mon 20-Jun-16 18:20:38

Why on earth should your DD respond to being called a bitch by apologising for her behaviour?
Do you not want to instill any self confidence in her?
If she's called a bitch again, she should respond with "Wow, what a horrible thing to say. I've always been told not to use words like that."
Any behaviour issues she has are completely separate to the fact that a grown adult has said something vile about a child. I'd speak to the other mother about what she thinks she's playing at.

Sidalee7 Mon 20-Jun-16 18:21:29

That's weird. The mum sounds v unreasonable.

I do think you sound a little harsh though - make her wait a month longer if she asks for a friend to come around? Don't all kids ask this?
I would never arrange play dates if my DC didn't nag me!

FauxFox Mon 20-Jun-16 18:27:20

My DD had a friend who insisted her mum hated my DD. It went on and on with DD telling me and wondering why it was etc and in the end I was fed up of hearing it and texted the other mum ''Bit of a weird one but your DD keeps telling DD you hate her..." Was obviously all rubbish - her DD was stirring for some reason...she isn't saying it any more grin

Usually i'd not get involved with this silly business but one day I was just too bored to hear about it all again...

FauxFox Mon 20-Jun-16 18:28:15

What I mean is did your DD hear it or did the friend tell her? Might not be true.

ConcreteUnderpants Mon 20-Jun-16 19:11:42

I do think you sound a little harsh though - make her wait a month longer if she asks for a friend to come around?

Utterly agree.
And I certainly wouldn't want her apologising if someone called her a bitch!

junebirthdaygirl Mon 20-Jun-16 19:37:54

Pretty regular kids looking for friends to come over. Just like company and sometimes just hoping. But definitely not a bitch. Horrible word. My youngest ds was constantly surrounded by lads chanting can we come over outside school. Quiet lad but few good friends. He is 20 now and every time l open the door there they are same gang plus a few more calling over. Its lovely. Its normal. Fine to say no of course but certainly do not apologise for your dd. Her friendly nature will stand her well in life. Say to her its great you have friends and we don't call people nasty names in this house.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Mon 20-Jun-16 19:43:15

When my DS asked for play dates I'd just answer "Not tonight, we will see about another time" That was my firm stock response.

I thought most kids pestered for them. smile

I really wouldn't tell my DC to apologise. Behaviour is a learning response.

Mycraneisfixed Mon 20-Jun-16 20:18:44

Agree she shouldn't apologise for behaviour. How demoralising!
Kids are always trying it on re asking if friends can come play. You just say "Not today. We'll arrange another time" and then do it. Actually arrange it. You sound as if you don't have much confidence in yourself and are way too strict. Your daughter sounds great.

meinthemiddle Mon 20-Jun-16 20:38:34

Maybe I didn't explain my reasons for the idea of making her wait regarding friends coming over. I don't mind a few nags of friends coming over, but it got to the point that as soon as she stepped out of the school door the first thing she would say is "can so and so come round, can she, can she. can she" and usually with the said child looking at me all puppy eyed. So we had words about how her behaviour isn't nice for me, or for the child when i said no.

I tried the "not tonight", or "we'll see" and after a while she just stopped asking and started jumping up and down chanting her mantra. And to be honest it got boring and it put me in an awkward situation with the child and/or parents.

We have things on after school most days, so 4 out of 5 days a week it's home, cook dinner and go off somewhere and she knew this but still made a song and dance of it each afternoon. That is why I told her she would have to wait a month if she kept up that behaviour.

Would I have stuck to it? Who knows. Maybe, maybe not. Definitely if she hadn't learnt her lesson and continued in the same vain.

As it goes, she stopped instantly and we've had about 3 weeks now without the nagging. And no not all kids want constant playdates. My older child didn't and when she did have them, she really appreciated them.

I don't want my kids growing up not being able to entertain themselves, always needing company etc, and to be honest after a whole day with some friends in her class I think it could be more healthy to have a break. They are both as bad as each other and are as silly as one another when together.

Besides if I wanted a 3rd child surely I would just of had a 3rd child!? Anyway I digress, I must be terrible to not let her have someone over once or twice a week. I just don't see other friends doing it so maybe we live in an area where we don't have constant playdates.

As for apologising for her actions. I want her to be aware that not everyone sees the nice things she does when she's home. Sometimes all people see are the silly things she does such as refusing to get off the play equipment, jumping in the car with her mate, and like I said, the continual nagging over playdates.

If those are all you see, then yes I do think you might think she's a bit of a brat, and might think your child is copying her. As it goes I know these two are as bad as each other and just acting out.

I had another chat about how some grown up say the wrong thing and how that isn't right but we have to understand they just do.

I don't want her to think it's ok as it isn't, but I want her to understand we don't know the context of what happened and what lead to the remark in the first place.

I just explained that we have to use the invisible filter in our heads so we don't say everything we think, bad and good!

She didn't hear this conversation, just retold by her friend. I've no reason to think this child is stirring or lying. She told DD afterwards that her mother asked her not to tell mine about what she had said.

I get along with the mum, our daughters are good friends, I don't want to rock the boat and upset anyone. I don't want to risk their friendship by asking the mum what happened and why she said that. Like I mentioned I don't know what happened in the run up to this being said.

I think it's good for kids to realise that not everyone thinks the sun shines out of your backside, even if your parents do.

How am I setting her up for the future if she thinks everyone will love her, even when is is being a complete nightmare. It's a big bad world out there and I don't want her to think she's something special and then not be able to cope.

That said, I do think the words used were harsh and uncalled for. If she had said she was being a brat or difficult it wouldn't have even made it on my radar but to call a 9 year old a bitch is just mean, to then call her friend one too is unnecessary.

Mycraneisfixed Tue 21-Jun-16 12:24:14

Well thought out response OPflowers

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