Aibu - in laws

[Peppamouse16]

Hi everybody I'm new here but figured since reading the advice you guys give to others,that is share my story on here and ask for advice too.

A bit of background,I had DS in January and I live with my FIL,MIL & BIL,my partner works away all week and comes home on a weekend.
This could get long so please bare with me
For a while I have been silently going crazy,I hate the position I'm in at the minute,and dare I say it,I hate my in laws. I'm not being ungrateful or rude and I've never voiced it but I do. My FIL smokes all round the house,my MIL is passive aggressive and my BIL is weird,they all have zero personal hygiene or any sort of hygiene in general. The main problem I'm having at the minute is BIL keeps calling DS sexy. I really do hate people calling babies sexy. He asks me if I need to do anything so he can hold DS and play with him but I don't like it. He'll sometimes come back to the house on his breaks from work and will try and wait until DS is finished napping before he leaves. He doesn't wash or brush his teeth and blows raspberries on him which makes me feel sick and I have to clean him after. He took pictures of him (fully clothed) and I was holding him,but then called him a sexy little shi*.
I don't like him,it makes me feel uneasy. AIBU and overreacting or just being over protective? I just want to get out of this house so badly but we're saving up
I've tried to say to OH I don't really like it when they call DS sexy but I don't think he took it seriously.. I'm a scaredy cat and will keep my mouth shut but then I'll blow and take it out in my OH which isn't fair. Any advice?? X

[orangebird69]

I'd be looking for somewhere else to live. The BIL sounds foul and the PIL smoking in the same house as the baby is just wrong.

[Disinterested]

He calls your son a sexy little shit? I'm sorry, I don't really see why anybody would call anybody (let alone a child) that! I'd certainly be having words with BIL and asking him to never address my child like that again. Most odd. Please try and speak to your DH about how unhappy you are feeling, before something happens that ticks you over the edge and you explode.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Not sure what you can do really aprt from ask them not to call him that as it makes you uncomfortable? That's not a big ask.

I have to admit saving or not I wouldn't live in a house with a smoker and a baby, I just couldn't. How far off from having saved enough are you? Do you not have enough to rent a small plane and just save a bit slower?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

small place - pretty sure you probably don't have enough for the plane...

[Peppamouse16]

He is,you can smell both their bedrooms from the hall it's driving me mad. My partner has tried to ask if smoking can be kept outside and has gone mad on occasion but they take the stance 'this is my house I'll do what I want' so I'm stuck I just hardly leave the room they never go in.

[cosmicglittergirl]

The thing is, no one will be able to suggest anything you won't have thought of yourself eg moving out, asking them to stop. Nothing is going to change until you leave unfortunately. Sympathy in abundance though. At least your child is too young to understand what's being said. I think the passive smoking is the most important thing. Could the health visitor have a word?

[Peppamouse16]

Disinterested
I have and he's asked me to step up looking for a place as we've just found out we're expecting another baby next year. He hates it too. I'm going to have to say something,I literally hide in our room when he's in the house.

Mykingdomforbrie
I hate it,first thing we smell in the morning is roll ups and cigarettes and I refuse to take DS in any room he's smoked in and he knows it.
We've saved less than half for a deposit on what we need and I am getting in touch with the council to see if they can help,it's getting me down now. Jumping in a plane to anywhere sounds like my idea of heaven...

[Peppamouse16]

I tell my health visitor everything,she's written it in her notes because at one point he was coughing,I was furious and I had a little moment in front of her. They're never there when she visits though!

[orangebird69]

Well if you're expecting another, unless your Pils live in a multiple bathroomed mansion I'm guessing that'll hoik you up the waiting list for housing a bit. I'll get flamed for this no doubt but why on earth are you having children when you don't even have your own home?

[PPie10]

but why on earth are you having children when you don't even have your own home?

This. Unfortunately you will just have to suck this up till you do move into your own place. They sound awful but you and your dp chose this situation

[Peppamouse16]

What are you suggesting? If we had planned having another then comments like that would be fully justified,but we didn't and it's happening and totally irrelevant to my concern about BIL and what he is saying to DS. As I have stated above we are saving for a deposit on our own home.

[MariaSklodowska]

yes but if you are putting your children at risk and the HV has noted that, surely it would be better to get a rented place, before you have SS on your back. As for your BIL and waht he is saying, it sounds fucking bizarre and frankly you would be better off living in a homeless shelter.

[orangebird69]

Was the first one planned then OP?

[MariaSklodowska]

and be very careful about 'telling your HV everything' very careful indeed.

[blueskyinmarch]

Have you put your name down for a council property? I would do this first of all.

Are you saving for a rent deposit or a deposit to buy a house? Obviously a rent deposit it much less. How much have you got saved already? Do you pay rent in your IL’s house?

[Peppamouse16]

Yes we are saving for a rented place,in our area deposits can be up to £700+ then there's removals etc and I don't drive so living further away from my family isn't an option,especially as I am expecting.
And,no,it's not me that's putting ds or baby at risk at all,I'm not shoving cigarettes in front of any of my babies - I try my hardest to protect him from smoke,wether we have to stay in one room all day (like I said) with the door shut or go out all day. And what would SS do? I am certainly not neglecting ds,he is very well cared for thank you

No 1st wasn't planned either,suppose I'm going to have some scathing remarks about that too.

Yes name is down for council property but have had no luck yet,I get offered homes miles away (and I literally mean miles away). I buy my own food etc and give them money for household bills.

[StarUtopia]

Surely it's quite quick (even on a low wage) to save for a rental deposit when you're living for free somewhere else? (or is this not the case?)

I rent before anyone judges. I put our deposit on a credit card. then paid it off. (and we had no family help)

You need to get out of there by the sounds of it!

[jennyblonde82]

It sounds like you know you want to get out there. Second hand smoke increases risk of cot death, I would not want a toddler or baby in a house where people smoke.
Put the deposit on a credit card or ask any family members you can for a loan and cut down on any expenses you can do until you can afford your own place.
It's really weird to call a baby sexy. Trust your gut instinct that this isn't a place you want to have you children.

[blueskyinmarch]

In that case i expect it won’t be too long before you will have saved enough for a deposit. I reckon you just need to lie low in the house, keep yourself to yourself. Get out where possible - go to the park, library, toddler groups etc. Anything free basically. Not much else you can do.

[Peppamouse16]

I don't live at IL for free,I pay towards gas,electric,water rates and the cost of Internet/tv as well as mine and ds food and drink,day to day living expenses etc.
I also have other debts to pay as well which leaves very little and oh isn't in a much better off position which is why we decided to live here temporarily when I was heavily pregnant. Little did I know it would be the worst decision we ever made.
I know none of my family are in the position to help me otherwise I would have no problem asking.
I'm just going to man up and just pull bil up on his behaviour as well as the smoking situation,I have mentioned cot death,lung problems etc linked with smoking before and all I got back was 'well our kids are fine and we did all sorts,look at them!' and was told I was 'stuck up' so I'm not hopeful.
Yes I do desperately want to get out of here,but aside from the steps I'm taking now to get out there's little more I can do.
I take lo everywhere and anywhere. We can walk for hours around town,we go to the children's centre and visit family and have days out,I try all sorts.

[StarUtopia]

What about your family?

Where were you living when you got pregnant?

[gobbynorthernbird]

You can't put yourself in a shit situation where you're dependant on the kindness (and it really is kindness) of others then complain. Either get your own house or STFU.

[MariaSklodowska]

" ,I get offered homes miles away "

so you have had an offer of more than one council property and have turned them down? is that right?