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Asking ex to help with cost of additional summer childcare

(24 Posts)
blondieblondie Mon 20-Jun-16 00:51:55

I've asked my DS (11) after school care if she can provide any childcare over the summer holidays this year, as my usual summer childminder has stopped doing it. She has offered me a total of four days in August which I need covered (still got others to cover , but she's on holiday) and she will bill me at the end of August. My usual payments to her will stop next week, and I'll need to advice HMRC of that for them to amend my TC's. So really I'll need to pay the extra days without the help of TC's. I'm taking the first week off with DS, then every Thu/Fri (we've been given five free Friday's off work, thankfully), and I'm going to ask my dsil if she'll have him on Mondays. My ex is having him 3.5 days of the holidays, in the second weeks.

Is it reasonable to ask my ex to help me cover the cost of these four other days at the childminder? I know his suggestion will be that he can find someone else to watch DS those days, but one will be his DM who frankly, my son will be bored rigid with, and the other is a friend who is 5 months pregnant with a toddler and deserves her time off to herself as she is a teacher.

I've only recently asked him to up his maintenance from 65 to 100, so it won't go down well, but he'll have three wages between now and helping pay it. I've paid for all childcare since DS was 18 months (with help of TC's) so don't think IBU, but don't know how to word it, as we had a massive argument about the maintenance increase.

Northernlurker Mon 20-Jun-16 00:56:36

Sorry but no, I don't think it is fair to ask. He's increased the money you get, he's doing some of the childcare himself and you know he will arrange for people to support. You are choosing to use a more expensive option instead because it suits you and allows you to work. I doubt that he will see that as any of his concern. It will cause a row and I wouldn't mention it.

blondieblondie Mon 20-Jun-16 00:57:14

I should say, I'll still get TC's, just not the childcare element.

I bloody hate having to claim them at all sad

PurpleDaisies Mon 20-Jun-16 01:01:54

Is it reasonable to ask my ex to help me cover the cost of these four other days at the childminder? I know his suggestion will be that he can find someone else to watch DS those days, but one will be his DM who frankly, my son will be bored rigid with, and the other is a friend who is 5 months pregnant with a toddler and deserves her time off to herself as she is a teacher.

I think it's totally reasonable to ask him to help with childcare, but I'm not sure it's right that you dictate he has to pay for someone of your choosing when he could sort a free option.

Is it worth having a huge fight over your son spending time somewhere boring or with a pregnant woman who has said yes to helping (even if she deserves some free time)? If you don't have reservations about your son being safe, fed and generally fine with the babysitters I wouldn't insist on him going to a childminder.

blondieblondie Mon 20-Jun-16 01:02:15

He's taking 3.5 days leave and I'm taking 12 days, as well as being lucky enough to get the five Friday's off as part of an offer from work!

I'm choosing a more expensive option because i have to keep some annual leave to cover the other school holidays, and because my DS will be happier at the child minder.

Cheeseinthetrap Mon 20-Jun-16 01:23:22

i think it's reasonable of you ask that he help come up with a solution for those 4 days, I don't however think its reasonable to dictate how he should help, if he can come up with other people to watch your DS that are appropriate although certainly not ideal, I don't think it's reasonable for you to refuse it.

Why not sit down and explain your preference for the CM, he'll hopefully agree that she's worth the cost if it means DS is happier

blondieblondie Mon 20-Jun-16 01:30:10

I wouldn't dictate and I wouldn't refuse it outright. I'll actually still be a good few days short of childcare, so if I'm really stuck for those then i won't have much option but let him ask someone else. But the CM has agreed these particular dates, and I need to take guaranteed childcare where I can get it. If he won't pay, I'll have to, and then hope he can use his plans to cover the additional days. But I'm very reluctant to send DS to ex's DM. Last time she had him overnight he dreaded it as he knew he'd spend all night on his own, playing X box, while she watched her programmes. He was then sick 4 times and she never uttered a word to me, even when I popped up to drop off a shirt he needed for the next day. She's just not very interested and he's at an age now where he's not interested in being with her either.

LouBlue1507 Mon 20-Jun-16 07:34:14

Why does an 11 year old need a childminder? confused Would DC be ok being home alone?

Northernlurker Mon 20-Jun-16 08:09:23

Presumably though your ds spends a lot more time with you than with his dad - so the 3.5 days is in proportion to that? I do sympathise OP but I would definitely pick your battles. Fwiw I'm married and I will be taking at least 11 days holidays this summer , 12 days isn't an exceptional amount.

blondieblondie Mon 20-Jun-16 08:15:45

I know 12 isn't a huge amount. It's only what I've booked for now. I will have to book more once I see where my gaps are and I'd be covering the other give Friday's too if I wasn't fortunate enough to to get them off free this year. I cover the vast majority of holidays all year. His dad has booked a total of 9.5 all year and won't be taking any more.

blondieblondie Mon 20-Jun-16 08:17:29

And he has two nights per weeks at dads

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 20-Jun-16 08:19:13

Why does an 11 year old need full-time childcare? confused

TutanKaDashian Mon 20-Jun-16 18:54:25

Definitely ask him. Just because he's giving you an extra £35 (big whoop) don't let that stop you.

3littlefrogs Mon 20-Jun-16 18:59:21

When mine were that age I got together with all the other working mums from school and we swapped them round each others' houses.

I wouldn't have wanted to pay for child care at that age TBH.

Would that be an option for you?

3littlefrogs Mon 20-Jun-16 19:01:46

Actually - at 11 my DC had their own key, let themselves in and had a snack/watched TV/started homework until I got home from work.

Is there a particular reason your DS needs after school care?

Dixiechickonhols Mon 20-Jun-16 19:02:49

Do people leave 11 year olds 8-6pm? NSPCC guidance isn't to leave under 12s for long periods of time. Mine is 10 and I wouldn't leave her all day alone and I don't know anyone who does. Kids summer clubs around here cover 11 year olds.
Personally in this scenario i'd pay op. Can you get childcare vouchers to use to pay holiday care - will save you tax and NI.

3littlefrogs Mon 20-Jun-16 19:28:38

Just in case that was in response to my post, I am not advocating leaving child alone all day.

HereIAm20 Mon 20-Jun-16 19:32:10

You can ask but you must be prepared for him to say no. His maintenance has been calculated on the time DS is not with him and thus it is your legal responsibility. Also if his DM is available so what if your child is bored with her! (Harsh words I realise). Don't you remember the olden days when we had to amuse ourselves for 6 weeks of school holidays.

LouBlue1507 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:06:41

Dixiechickonhols 'NSPCC guidance'... Is exactly that... guidance. It all depends on how mature your child is and its down to your own discretion.

I was staying home alone most of the day most Saturdays from 10 years old.

Dixiechickonhols Mon 20-Jun-16 21:29:55

No not in response to any poster just surprised at so many responses querying the need for summer holiday day care for an 11 year old. Not the norm in my current area or old area (one affluent one deprived) and not norm for any workmates to leave kids on their own all day. I had been worrying for childcare for dd yr after next but fortunately have started to wfh.

Everytimeref Mon 20-Jun-16 21:42:52

What days does your ex have his son? If its a "school night" then morally he should be responsible for child care that day but you wouldnt be able to dictate how he covers this time.

blondieblondie Mon 20-Jun-16 21:43:46

I just don't think 11 is old enough to be left on his own, whether it be for two hours after school, or during school holidays. I'd feel guilty leaving him alone, not because I couldn't trust him, but I just don't think it's right and I'd feel like I was neglecting him. He's not even in high school until after summer. I never came home to any empty house and I've changed my work hours after summer so that he won't either, not until second year at least.

Anyway, I've decided against asking, and will just continue to pay it myself. We've had a bust up today about holiday cover as it is. I have asked him to try and make arrangements with relatives for the days I don't have CM cover.

What I should have done years ago, was only pay for as care on the days I pick up DS, and let him sort the other two. Would have saved a fortune.

Muddlingalongalone Mon 20-Jun-16 21:50:10

Sorry if this is a stupid question but why can't you phone tax credits at the time, advise them of the change in cost & claim?
This is what my ndn does when she's paying holiday club instead of ASC

blondieblondie Mon 20-Jun-16 21:56:11

Because I'm sure they only take a change that lasts more than 4 weeks. I'll be stopping with CM, then starting again 5 weeks later, just for two weeks at two days per week.

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