Fiancé always decides to snap at me in front of family

(198 Posts)
toomanylols Sun 19-Jun-16 23:56:22

Hey guys. This is actually really getting me down. I am such a family person and I would do anything for my family. When my family are all together my other half can't resist having a pop at me in front of them. He's not a bad guy, we have a child and another on the way, but he just has no filter whatsoever. If something irritates him, he just says it. Doesn't matter who is in the room. Whereas I would be mortified to do anything of the sort. If he annoys me I would keep shtum and maybe raise it later. It makes everyone so uncomfortable. And it's always about little stuff. Today we went round to have Sunday Dinner at my mams after he had gotten lovely pressies for Father's Day. She cooked us a lovely meal, I asked him did he want Diet Coke, he said yes please, then he said IF YOURE GOING TO ROLL YOUR EYES THEN ILL POUR IT MYSELF. I was stunned. I did nothing of the sort. No one knew where to look. We ate dinner in almost silence. Once we left then I had it out with him. He apologized said he's really tired (eh me too) said he shouldn't have snapped, he thought I rolled my eyes at him. It all sounds so petty but this happens all the time. It's so embarrassing.

sonlypuppyfat Sun 19-Jun-16 23:58:18

I bet your family love his company

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sun 19-Jun-16 23:58:24

If this isn't a one off then to me it's a huge red flag op!

So sorry. Ime it does not get better and will start happening to your children too ( as I said, ime)

So sorry

Cutecat78 Sun 19-Jun-16 23:59:14

This is a really abusive trait confused

Birdsgottafly Mon 20-Jun-16 00:00:30

Does he do it around his own family, or to other people?

It could be a way of belittling you, because he knows you won't 'bite' back. You need to make it clear that it can't go on.

Or is he trying to get out of going to your family meals?

BlueFolly Mon 20-Jun-16 00:01:51

That sounds awful Op!

toomanylols Mon 20-Jun-16 00:01:51

We all have a big holiday booked in a months time to a villa in Spain, the whole family (well, my family). I told him he's not going. Do you think I should stick by my work?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Mon 20-Jun-16 00:03:51

Well I'd certainly give him an ultimatum about the holiday

For me it would be a test and a last chance!

EveryoneElsie Mon 20-Jun-16 00:04:20

I think you should LTB.
Its abusive controlling behaviour. He ruined a family dinner. He got everyone around the table to defer to him and feel bad.

toomanylols Mon 20-Jun-16 00:08:08

I'm pregnant tho and we have a 14 month old. Can I leave him over this?

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday Mon 20-Jun-16 00:08:25

I don't get what happened, sorry. Were you genuinely offering it or making fun of him wanting a diet drink? I don't know why he became irritated so just asking smile

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Mon 20-Jun-16 00:10:38

Can you??

Yes you can do what you like! Do you want him to speak to your little DC this snappy way also?

Do you think he will just stop doing this? Does he have a reason why?

toomanylols Mon 20-Jun-16 00:11:20

No, I was being genuine. My sister was telling me about an argument with our other sister so maybe I looked about shocked or something, you know sometimes you make a face when you hear something shocking? Maybe I was doing that as I offered him a drink.

toomanylols Mon 20-Jun-16 00:15:25

This is the text he sent (after a few hours of arguing, he originally said he didn't owe me any apology and told me to stop nagging and shut up)

I've have been so tired this week getting up with baby and today I was the most tired I have been in a long time. When I'm that tired I become snappy at things I shouldn't. That doesn't excuse my behaviour, just explains it. When I'm really tired I have less control over my reactions. They are automatic and so fast, I don't stop to think what I'm saying. e.g. I should not have commented on your expression at all. Perhaps I do have an issue with becoming easily irritated, but when I'm exhausted. I can control my irritability levels when I'm fresh and had enough sleep. I don't think this is uncommon in people. If there was some way I could stay chilled all the time, I would welcome the knowledge. Right now all so can do is try to stay cool, get plenty of rest and exercise. I do want to be happy with you and I do want our second child, just as much as this one.

EttaJ Mon 20-Jun-16 00:17:35

I agree ,it's abusive. Do your family not say anything to him at the time? If that was my DC i would definitely have something to say. You can leave him of course and it seems that you have a good family to support you.

Cutecat78 Mon 20-Jun-16 00:19:10

You are analysing your own behaviour way too much OP.

He's abusive.

powershowerforanhour Mon 20-Jun-16 00:24:24

I call bullshit- I bet he can magically control his words and body language when he's talking to his boss no matter how tired he is. Bull. Shit. The next time it happens, bite back in front of everybody and if he stomps off, tough, he will only make himself look stupid.

toomanylols Mon 20-Jun-16 00:24:35

The problem is, I am no shrinking violet myself. I'll stay quite in from of people, but when we're on our own we could fight for days over it. Which is what we do. I keep thinking he's very good to our daughter. He's a great dad. But our relationship is so volatile. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him.

junebirthdaygirl Mon 20-Jun-16 00:25:21

You need for the long term to be able to truly relax with your partner and not be on edge in company. That will wear you down after a time and cause you to start avoiding situations. Are all his family like that. Just blab out the first thing they think of. I hate that terrible uncomfortable silence and if your family are usually nice to each other they probably wouldn't dream of confronting him

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Mon 20-Jun-16 00:29:10

Ok. He's blaming it on tiredness

In a few months he will have a toddler and a newborn. How will he be then?

toomanylols Mon 20-Jun-16 00:32:12

Mumontherun that's exactly what I said. This was my text

I'm sorry but that does not excuse your behavior in the slightest. I am pregnant and working crazy hours, I still would not behave like that. What about when the new baby comes? Night feeds and more exhaustion? What will happen then? Uncontrollable temper? Your lack of respect for family situations is appalling. My mother had cooked you a beautiful meal and you kick off at me when I make you a drink. Stay the fuck out of my way. I am beyond disgusted with you.

toomanylols Mon 20-Jun-16 00:32:43

I am so tired right now. I can't cope with all of this.

trafalgargal Mon 20-Jun-16 00:34:49

Does he do it in front of other people (his family, friends etc ) or just your family ?

Kind of wipes out the tired excuse if he doesn't and makes him a disrespectful prat (disrespecting both you and your family)

I wonder how you'll feel when your kids talk to you like that too--as it's OK cos Daddy does it.

PastaLaFeasta Mon 20-Jun-16 00:36:09

My DH is the same, taking things the wrong way and being over sensitive. Sometimes it's because of work stress and other bits are his own hang ups. He can change this, tired or not, it's become a habit and he absolutely needs to work on this - you can bet your arse he doesn't speak to his boss or his friends like that, so he shouldn't be saving it up for you!

I have no solutions because I still have to tread on egg shells at times or be shocked when an innocent comment/question is taken the wrong way. It hurts like crazy but I know he can change because I've been able to manage my responses better, even when my depression is bad. If I had the money I would leave, instead these little thing eat away at the relationship and create distance. He sounds open to talk and admit this so try to address it together.

notapizzaeater Mon 20-Jun-16 00:36:10

He should have immediately apologised there and then .... Tiredness does not excuse being a dick !

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