Caution - shit storm ahead. Long post.
I have come to realise my mother is a narcissist. I am really struggling to keep my cool with her and I'm not sure what to do.
Previously when things got too much I would take a break from her, not see her for a couple of weeks. I didn't realise she was a narcissist at that point, just that I would need a break from her - and of course it was my fault because I was difficult. Now, I have a little boy and I want him to have a relationship with his grandparents so make the effort to see her twice a week. It's too much. I can't cope with her. Yesterday at a BBQ she fell out with me because I said I didn't like haggis!!!!! 'Well, you liked it when you were younger'. Well I've grown some tastebuds and a conscience. I don't like it. She has made it more than clear she feels I was a nightmare child and if she could go back and change things she wouldn't have had me when she did. She hates that I am in touch with my birth dad and his family and I can't help but feel she is jealous of my home and caring partner. I get the impression she would be secretly pleased if it all came crashing down around me as she would be there to pick up the pieces (on a side note, i realised tonight that when an Ex and I used to fight I always thought my mum and I got on better. I thought this was because of me, like I was easier to get on with or something. But tonight I realised, no it's her - happier as she could 'rescue me'). She almost enjoys telling me 'that ship has sailed' when I moan about DP not proposing yet. One time I joked and said he loved me more than her as he bought me an Easter egg and she didn't. She said 'no he just doesn't know you as well as i do. That'll change, don't worry' it was nasty, it wasn't meant to be funny. She goes out of her way to treat me like a child I am 30, I am a mother. My son was 2 months old (ish), she came to visit. She was here about an hour and said 'is it wrong I just want to get going so I can drive my new car?'. Don't let me stop you. It's getting to a point I can't stand to be around her. I had a realisation the other day that if she wasn't my mother I would have nothing to do with her, I would not be her friend.
I don't want to lose the relationship with my mother. I want her to have a relationship with my son. But part of me thinks - do I want her around him. Poisoning him?! Talking crap about me, putting me down. Complaining about how far away we live (45mins) and how she only gets to see him twice a week?! I don't want her attitude around my son. I don't want him to learn her ways.
I used to share her attitude. The 'I don't care what you think' attitude. But I moved out when i was 18 (a whole other pile of i was thrown out/no you weren't shit. (Yes I was)) and worked my way into a good job (another seeming bone of contention) and I was trained in how to communicate and motivate and be a good leader. And I studied a business management degree and I learned that no it's not ok to talk to people like shit and yes it is your problem if someone is offended by something you have said. And I have learned apathy. But you ask her and she talks about me like I'm horrible, like I'm difficult. And I think, yes I am difficult. I'm difficult to you! Because i am constantly biting my tongue. Biting my tongue to your self praise, to you putting me down, to your snide remarks and laced compliments. How nothing is ever good enough, how there is always a but.
I have dreams where i sit and tell her everything. But I know I can't, it wouldn't make any difference. Her narcissism is so intense that she would never believe me anyway. She'd tell me it's me taking it wrong, that I'm remembering things wrong or that it's my fault she behaves that way.
I don't know what to do. I really don't.
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Narcissitic mother
18 replies
Georgeofthejungle · 19/06/2016 21:45
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