To not know how to handle this situation with DP's work?

(18 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sun 19-Jun-16 19:55:26

DP has a very demanding job. He is scheduled for 40hrs a week but regularly does overtime that means he can total more than 80hrs in a week.

He's been doing this job for about 4 months now and I'm seeing a negative affect on him and on our relationship. We still get on just as well as we ever did but we just hardly ever see each other and it's really getting me down. Our sex life, which was previously very good, has dwindled so that we virtually don't have one anymore, he is just too exhausted.

I'm also worried for him as I don't feel that doing so many hours is sustainable, I'm worried he is working himself too hard and will end up just snapping soon.

He is knackered and stressed but seems happy to put the hours in at the moment because I know he wants to impress his bosses and potentially get promoted, and they have noticed his hard work so maybe it is working. I'm just not sure that he has to say yes to everything and potentially make himself ill to do that.

Aibu to worry about him working so much or should I just support him through this period and suck it up?

JuneBuggy Sun 19-Jun-16 19:59:45

Of course yanbu to worry about him working so much, but only he can change that. Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling? If not, that's a good first step - could he be so career focused that he's not realised the effects at home?

JuneBuggy Sun 19-Jun-16 20:00:38

Also, worth noting that this arrangements breaks the Working Time Directive...

RubbleBubble00 Sun 19-Jun-16 20:02:40

Perhaps have a chat and agree a set time, say another 2/3 months where he is going to work his butt off then agree he has to pull back a bit. It's going to need lots of understanding from yourself as you sex life prob will be on hold if he's working that much.

Meow75 Sun 19-Jun-16 20:03:38

This amount of work per week is not sustainable. I was a teacher for 16 years and regularly had to put in this many hours in a week. Usually in the last couple of weeks of a term, exam revision periods, etc.

Even 2 or 3 weeks was enough to wipe me out and although people take the piss about the holidays, this intensity is one of the reasons they are so important.

Anyway, off topic, sorry OP. Is your DP a chef? That's the profession where people normally work that many hours but whichever way you cut it, it just can't carry on indefinitely and however much your DP is trying to impress the boss he risks setting a precedent. He needs to talk to them, soon.

OurBlanche Sun 19-Jun-16 20:07:11

... which he may have opted out of!

Mine does this on and off. He has lazy weeks and then full on ones. I never really know if I will see him on any particular evening, he keeps a bag with 3 days clothes in it in his car. This morning he got a call and was gone by 11.30, I won't see him until sometime next week.

If he enjoys it and earns well (so he wants to continue dong it) then you both have to get a bit creative. We have a 'back door' routine, it used to be a fag and a bottle of beer outside the house and then leave work at the door... we no longer smoke but still do the back door chats.

We have a sex routine too: When he shaves I rush for a shower and leap on him smile

Just keep talking, he will relax into the job eventually. Good luck

Bonnibell Sun 19-Jun-16 20:19:05

Depending on the time of year my DH can end up doing crazy hours at work, the most ever was 90 hours one week, that was an exceptional circumstances.

It's hard and sometimes I have to remind him he needs to make time for family and himself.

We only make it work through good communication and lots of scheduling.

Is your DP only contracted 40 hours a week? If so is he getting paid for the extra time.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 19-Jun-16 20:20:49

Would the promotion mean shorter hours?

StealthPolarBear Sun 19-Jun-16 20:21:55

How does it affect your work? Do you have children?

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sun 19-Jun-16 20:27:48

He has opted out of it June because he knew that there would be the potential for lots of overtime. We have talked about things and I think at first he thought I was being a bit U as he thought that he was doing the right thing trying to make a good impression at work but I think he is now starting to see my point.

Unfortuntately I think he kind of has already Meow, there are supposed to be a list of people they can call if they need people to come in but even when DP isn't at the top of that list he still gets a call because the other people become 'mysteriously unavailable' and DP has to step in. Or at least he thinks he does. He isn't a chef, no although I know exactly what that industry is like!

ChampagneCommunist Sun 19-Jun-16 20:44:52

Every job I have had had as a term I. The contract that by accepting you agree to opt out of the Working Time Directive.

Seems standard in my industry (law), sadly

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sun 19-Jun-16 22:35:16

I also worry that he might have an accident due to being so tired from working all these hours as he works a job that involves a lot of driving hours.

No rabbit, the hours would be largely the same just more money.

Fortunately it doesn't affect my job polar but I don't feel like he has a life with this job sad

Familyof3or4 Sun 19-Jun-16 23:13:25

I have a similar situation, dp works between 90 and 100 hours a week. He has done this for 5 years and it has been hard. It is a job he enjoys and it has put him in a great position to get a very specific promotion that he really wants that he is now applying for.
We had lots of conversation when he started the job and we realised how hard to was. Dp has a certain time off in the week that is sacred and we make sure we chat a lot- even when it is late at night.
We can't wait to go back to a more normal job, it has been a trying time and when it started was the hardest- nearly broke my dp. Ask yourself how happy you and your dp are and how long this is going to on. Can you manage it or does the thought of things continuing as they are fill you with dread? If so then he should stop the o/t or change his job.

littledrummergirl Sun 19-Jun-16 23:15:24

Dh used to work as a courier (fucking dpd), same thing, 40hr contract but must be available for overtime as and when required. He was working 12hr+ days Mon - Fri. I put my foot down when they wanted weekends as well.
Dh was very ill and stressed, that job nearly killed him. Yanbu.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 19-Jun-16 23:20:50

Why did he take this job?

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sun 19-Jun-16 23:41:16

Lots of hours, good money, chance for progression and it's a chance to work in an industry that DP loves with a reputable company rabbit.

Typically DP will get one day off a week - alternate weekends he has contact with his son, drops him off them goes straight to work. It isn't unusual for him to start work at 6/7am, finish at 11pm then gets called out on another job and finish at 2am.

We actually had a conversation about it earlier tonight and he said that he does want to leave. He has heard from other people who work for the same company that they are the kind of company that will push and push and work you into the ground until you can't do it anymore. You give them an inch they will take a mile sort of thing. Unfortuntately he is worried about handing in his notice as in his contract it stipulates that if you do any training you have to pay the cost of the training back if you leave within 18months but surely that can't be the case for compulsory training? That doesn't seem very fair IMO.

bakeoffcake Sun 19-Jun-16 23:54:48

He can work 6 till 11, then get a call out at 2? That is absolutely ridiculous!

My Dh works very long hours but we have our own business and he loves doing it and I accept that's it part of who is is. I wouldnt accept the hours your poor DH is expected to do. He really will get ill if he does that long term.

If he wants to leave he should, I'm sure they can't claw back money for compulsory training. Maybe post in the Legal topic if you don't get an answer here about that.

manicinsomniac Mon 20-Jun-16 00:34:22

Definitely not sustainable long term. He will damage his out of work relationships, his health or both.

I work 65-85 hours a week and it's doable BUT I get 18 weeks holiday a year and abuse smart drugs and caffeine.

Without loads of holiday and artificial stimulants I 100% couldn't do it. And I don't even have a partner to satisfy! wink

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