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AIBU?

To think a good father would want to spend time with dc on fathers day.

29 replies

Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 12:50

We have 3 girls 13 10 and 3. I am virtually Sah so I am with kids constantly. Dh has arthritis so tends to take himself up to his bed to watch TV every evening leaving me sorting house and kids etc.
This weekend Dd1 was involved in a parade. It was me taking her of course Upon my return Dd2 was in one room playing computer games and Dd3 was napping. So I guess little interaction took place Yesterday evening was an early Fathers Day treat
So this am Dd1 was on a trip out for the day with her dance club. I gave him the option of going as many of the dads were but he didn't want to. I than suggested us or just him taking younger two out but he didn't want to.
So this morning I dropped Dd off for her day out and grabbed some shopping. I got home to find dh playing computer games. He came down some 3 hours later and is dozing on the chair waiting for Grand Prix to start. Still no interaction with Dd3.
Ainu to think this is unfair.

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Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 12:50

Or any day for that matter.

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APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/06/2016 12:55

I would think that a good father would want to spend time with their DCs but some people don't think Father's Day is that important. Are your DCs' upset?

It sounds as though you're annoyed that you spend so much time with your DCs and that your DH just removes himself. Have a chat with him about how he's making himself dispensable (if that's what you feel). but I wouldn't have the chat today because it's a bigger issue than Fathers' Day

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KissMyArse · 19/06/2016 12:56

Well Fathers Day by its very title suggests that it's a day for Fathers rather than the children. I guess that means he gets to spend the day how he chooses, e.g. watching the Grand Prix.

To be fair to him I can also see why he didn't want to go on a dance trip. I'm not sure how bad his arthritis is but I imagine it may have been too uncomfortable for him to do the trip.

So YABU to expect him to spend Fathers Day doing stuff he doesn't want to do. YANBU to expect him to have more involvement with his children on other days though.

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SalemSaberhagen · 19/06/2016 13:04

We are doing FD next week. DP went on a wild night (ha!) out with some old school friends, and is staying there (about 2.5 hours away) until he is able to safely drive today. It's just a day.

YANBU to want him to have more involvement with them though.

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Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 13:07

It was a trip to a theme park. We spent 3 days at a similar place at half term and he was fine. However, tbf I don't know how bad it is. Some days are better than others.

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RaeSkywalker · 19/06/2016 13:11

This is obviously about more than today. How much time does he spend with the DC normally? I hope that your DC aren't upset today Flowers

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Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 13:11

I suppose I am feeling that every weekend and evening is Fathers Day right now. If Father d Day is doing what dad wants to do.

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Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 13:12

Thankfully they aren't. Dd3 is a real mummy's girl anyway and the older two are fine .

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PlatoTheGreat · 19/06/2016 13:28

I have a chronic condition that would stop me from doing a lot of the things you are mentioning.

However, part of dealing with the illness is finding ways to spend time with my dcs doing stuff we all enjoy.

Today, DH and dc2 went for a walk. I went with them, found a tearoom and had a cup of tea whilst they were walking (well more like running) to the top of the hill.
We chatted on the way they're and back. It was lovely and everyone has a nice time, in their own way.

If this is a common behaviour, then yes I agree you have an issue. It's very easy to separate yourself from everyone when you are in pain/ill. And no it's not easy to find ways to still 'be' with people.
It makes me wonder
1- how much pain doe he have atm? Does he ever mention it, whether today is a good day or a bad day (and then you can adapt the day to suit him too)
2- is he getting down because of the pain and the amount of stuff he can't do?

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Originalfoogirl · 19/06/2016 13:29

For us, Father's Day is daddy doing whatever he wants. He's out cutting grass at the moment! It's a day for dads to be treated as the most important one in the house - for a change.

However, your issue isn't with Father's Day, it's with all the other days and you need to discuss your issues with him before it's too late and resentment takes hold.

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ExtraHotLatteToGo · 19/06/2016 13:30

If you were the with arthritis instead, would you be able to do as DH does and would he do what you do?



I'm guessing not. What are you and the children getting out of this relationship? Other than feeling put upon, neglected & ignored. It wouldn't be for me, I'd tell him to leave,.

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EveOnline2016 · 19/06/2016 13:33

I have arthritis in my knees. If DH decided to post on a pubic forum at my failures to go to places that would render me in acute pain for day I would be disappointed.

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ExtraHotLatteToGo · 19/06/2016 13:33

Plato. 💐 Sorry to hear that. Your attitude is a million miles away from his though. It's not the 'unable' bits that are the problem, it's the emotionally totally disengaged aspect of it and using it as an excuse.

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Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 13:34

Has not said today is a bad day. Doesn't appear to be in pain

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ExtraHotLatteToGo · 19/06/2016 13:36

Eve he was given many different options to spend some time with his family, he didn't want to. He chose to play video games & watch the Grand Prix.

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Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 13:36

He does get frustrated about not being able to do as much as before like DIY. But it is just interaction. I am sat here typing but I am still interacting with Dd despite having a headache.

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ExtraHotLatteToGo · 19/06/2016 13:39

Do you think he has depression?

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Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 13:47

I just don't know. He holds down a responsible job but just seems to switch off at home . It's like he sees it all as my job. I am due to have an operation soon but he is not seen taking time off to help. I have had to arrange childcare myself. When I suggested he could drop me off before work he said yes or you can get a taxi!

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Highlandfling80 · 19/06/2016 13:52

Sorry to hear that eve. I am not necessarily bothered whether he goes out with then. Although we walked about 15000 steps at Euro Disney each day last month without complaint. Just sitting watching a DVD or something would be nice.

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Cornishclio · 19/06/2016 16:58

Sounds like he sees looking after children as your job, OP. There are a lot of men who seem to think like that and it does appear more common with SAHM. If you gave him the choice of what he wanted to do today and he is doing that then I would not pick today to have the discussion if you are unhappy he does not spend enough time with his DDs. He is just doing what he said he wanted to do.

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wheresthel1ght · 19/06/2016 17:24

Your issue is he is being a lazy twat.

My dd hasn't seen her dad since Thursday morning, he has been away and will be home at some point tonight and probably after she has gone to bed. He knows it's Father's Day but it was his choice. It's a hallmark day so not that important imo

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branofthemist · 19/06/2016 17:45

If he is just being a lazy twat year round, which it seems you are saying (do you think he is faking his illness or the severity of it?), why would he be any different on a normal day?

I assume he works which is why his condition means he needs to lay in bed on an evening. Could it be (trying to be kind) that working is too much for him. Is him becoming part time and you starting work a way to help his symptoms?

Will this enable him to be arsed with his own kids?

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wheresthel1ght · 19/06/2016 18:43

As an update am now kissed off cos he hasn't come home at agreed time and no idea when he will be back grrr

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Highlandfling80 · 20/06/2016 09:54

That's rubbish where.
He works in a desk job but yes maybe full time work is becoming too much. Although he now works fewer hours and has a shorter commute but nothing had changed.
He did saying that his joints were hurting getting up and down off the chair (getting TV snacks for grabs Prix) so settled on the bed after dinner.

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PlatoTheGreat · 20/06/2016 10:48

Taking the pov that he isn't a twat but is in constant pain, I think you really need to talk about his health together.

I know that nowdays, I would not be able to cope wo DH. Yes I still work (part time). Yes I still interact with the dcs when I can) but I'm also spending a lot of time in my own world (daydreanming, sleeping, reading, MNing but it could be watching TV) because the 'interaction' is too much.
Yesterday wasn't a very good day. We did go out in the am but then I slept most of the afternoon and then went to bed at 8.00pm (before the dcs). What helps me a lot is DH understanding. He will be the one to encourage me to go to bed when he sees me so tired.

So it makes me wonder, do you think you know when he is in pain? Is it visible (I know it is visible for me, just looking at me getting up from the chair. But it's also visible on my face etc...).
Does your DH talk about the pain or is he the type of 'be strong' and never saying a thing about it, or not until it's becoming uncopable iyswim?
Knowing what his boundaries are will help you get a better idea of how much the pain is affecting him and how it is about him using the pain as an excuse to not do some things.

Another question of course is, how hands on was he before the arthritis? Or is it ore that he didn't used to do a lot with the dcs before but was doing DIY ... that he can't do anymore so it ends up looking like he is doing very little at all in the house?
And has he seen his GP re possible depression (not impossible at all if he is struggling with the pain and he is feeling crap about not doing the things he used to do)

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