To not allow ds's dad to stay for first birthday party

[SmallestActOfLove]

After domestic violence I left my ex with ds, following this social services were involved and we arranged for ds's dad to see ds supervised by a member of my family at an indoor play area. Social services have now closed the case as I left and am never going back to him, and she said its up to me to decide about access unless he wants to go to court. So he's been seeing ds at the public play centre for the last 5 months. I still think he is unsafe to have ds alone due to his unpredictable behaviour and volatile temper, aibu to continue supervised contact for this long? As ds mother I want to encourage a relationship for ds's sake so he knows his dad, and have never stopped ex seeing ds, but can't foresee it being unsupervised.

Also ds's first birthday is coming up and I don't know what to do. I still don't trust ds's dad enough to have him unsupervised nor are any of his family appropriate people to supervise. I don't feel comfortable around him but have considered inviting him to the party briefly to drop of ds gifts, and so he still sees ds on his birthday. I want to do what's right by ds but can't allow him to have the unsupervised time with him because it's too big of a risk

[Oysterbabe]

Yanbu but he wouldn't be unsupervised if he stayed for the party would he?

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

A party for a one year old is a waste of time and money. However, you don't feel comfortable around him, with good reason, so why on earth would you encourage him being within a mile of you?

No party, no reason for Dad to be around.

[Handsoffmysweets]

Why is a waste of time and money Bitter? It's a family celebration, to celebrate the birth of LO - a chance for everyone to get together. Mine love watching their early party videos and laughing at our hair/make up/outfits

OP I think allowing him to pop in for a bit is fine if that's what you feel comfortable with. You're already doing more for an abusive ex than most would. Have a lovely party x

[notgivingin789]

YANBU; I stupidly allowed DS dad to see DS at his birthday party. He too was violent. SS said it was up to me if I wanted to invited him... Cut the long story short, DS dad just used the opportunity to get close to me. At the birthday party he kept following me around, would get very angry if I didn't want to speak to him. Instead of enjoying DS birthday, all I was worried about was making sure his dad wouldn't kick up an outburst-- as he was prone to that.

[WorraLiberty]

Do what's right for you.

Doing right by your DS doesn't come into this because he's a baby and he won't have a clue who attended his party and who didn't, because he'll never remember it.

[Birdsgottafly]

It would be unfair to cut contact, now. It would have been better if he wouldn't have had any contact.

The Birthday party would be a good opportunity for him to show that he is changing.

Supervised contact can go on, for as long as you need it to. It would be better if he could work towards unsupervised, by the time your child is two.

[starry0ne]

I was in refuge for DS 1st birthday...I built a life for myself new town..He wanted to come to 2nd birthday party which was essentially friends we had made in new town that I paid for...I refused.. I din't want him back in my life blurring lines...

Be careful thinking what your Lo needs is for everyone to be nornal happy family when that is not what he is giving

[BoneyBackJefferson]

If he hasn't asked I wouldn't offer.

and as you have concerns about your and your Ds's safety I wouldn't invite him either.

As others have said do what is right for you.

Have a good birthday party.

[HeddaGarbled]

I don't think he should stay at the party because I don't think that you should ever have to be in the same room as him ever again. Too traumatic for you after what he did to you.

If he wants to drop presents off, could one of you family meet him at the door while you stay inside? Has he said he wants to do this or is this your idea? You don't have to suggest anything at all. You could wait and see what his suggestion is, if any, and then decide whether that is something you can cope with.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing, protecting both yourself and your son whilst still facilitating their relationship.

[ricketytickety]

has he asked? You might think he cares more than he does. The fact he hasn't taken you to court may be that he is happy to just have the odd supervised visit and you might get away with trailing these off quietly too.

I would not encourage any additional contact for his or your son's benefit. What would be best is if someone who is violent would quietly just go away from you and your son altogether. He is very unlikely to change personality.

Def keep all visits supervised.

Don't invite to party or even mention birthdays

[Lweji]

How has he behaved during the supervised visits? How has he handled contact with you?

Maybe just have a small family gathering, without him, and celebrate in one of the supervised visits.