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AIBU Angry at In Laws

(74 Posts)
Blueskyday80 Sat 18-Jun-16 18:30:03

First time posting so please be gentle. DH was diagnosed with a serious illness six weeks ago. This could be potentially fatal but this is unlikely. In the short term whilst he has treatment it has completely disrupted our family life (2 DC under 6). Recently I have had to care for him and DC. I also have two jobs. I have been upset by FIL and his partners lack of support. MIL died 15 years ago.

Firstly when we told FIL of diagnosis he said all the right things but then we did not hear from him for two weeks. Not even a text to ask how DH is doing.

FIL suggested talking DH out for dinner. I asked if he could come over a few hours before dinner to look after DC whilst I caught up on work. Was told by FIL partner it was about them meeting up not about childcare.

I also asked FIL to spend the weekend at our house in September as I had a important event at the other side of the country which I had paid out for before DH diagnosis. I really needed the break and something good to look forward to. DH will need help with DC due to his illness. FIL just said no because he was planning to visit his daughter that weekend. No discussion about rearranging.

I did sit down with FIL two weeks ago and asked for more help as I was exhausted. Since then no change. I then fell over this week (doing too many things at once) and sprained my wrist. I did get a text of 'hope you feel better' from FIL but no offer to help out with caring for DH or DC.

I feel really angry at FIL lack of support. DH has actually been in tears about this and I am just angry. When DH spoke to FIL again about this he said that we cannot expect them to give up their lives for us. I just wanted perhaps a few hours of their time every couple of weeks whilst DH is having treatment.

Am I just in an over emotional state due to a rough couple of months or are they being unreasonable? We are all meant to be going on holiday in a few months and I just don't feel I can play happy families. I am worried I might lose my temper with them.

ChasedByBees Sat 18-Jun-16 18:33:24

There's not much you can do, but it seems cold.

I would just withdraw a bit and remember this if they ever need help.

NapQueen Sat 18-Jun-16 18:33:57

Yanbu at all. It's times like this that families should pull together.

Unfortunately you can't make him do it.

Is there any way you can look for a Mothers Help if you have the funds?

Coconutty Sat 18-Jun-16 18:36:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabestressfree Sat 18-Jun-16 18:37:19

Some people.are just shit sorry. I would utilise friends and look at other help. I am in the same position and have no family help and live with my sons.... I have a specialist nurse who is a god send and some good friends. You need a plan b..

WanHeda Sat 18-Jun-16 18:38:42

Can your own parents help?

Zarah123 Sat 18-Jun-16 18:40:45

YANBU. Can you cancel the holiday or is your DH looking forward to it?

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected Sat 18-Jun-16 18:44:04

YANBU to be hurt and disappointed by their lack of help, you sound exhausted!

YABU to keep expecting better from him, he sounds like he'll just keep disappointing you if you keep asking, can you find some other source of respite/help?

georgedawes Sat 18-Jun-16 18:44:41

Definitely not being unreasonable but I doubt it'll change so don't waste your energy on him. Do you have anyone else who can help? I hope your shopping recovers soon .

PirateFairy45 Sat 18-Jun-16 18:45:34

Maybe a carer once a day to help with the more practical or to assist with driving to/from treatment.

I'm a carer and love doing this sort of thing.

Also you sound exhausted and you NEED to slow down before you burnt out.

justnotaballetmum Sat 18-Jun-16 18:45:48


Finola1step Sat 18-Jun-16 18:48:37

Your FIL and his partner are both being dicks. As family members, regardless of title, marriage or not, the could and should help out. But they have made it very clear that they will not. I suspect that any crumbs of support they do give will be forever used against you as some form of "debt".

Stop asking for your FIL's support. Focus on other people. A neighbour of mine was in a very, very similar situation. Support came from friends, neighbours, school mums.

I am not a revengeful person but if I was in your shoes, I would file this away in the back of my head. Not present but not forgotten. There will come a time when your FIL will need support and you will be well within your rights not to go running.

But for now, are there any organisations you can talk to? MacMillan?

threeelephants Sat 18-Jun-16 18:48:59

I wouldn't be going on the holiday. They've sort of marked out the 'lines' in your relationship with them, and a holiday doesn't seem to fall within that.
If DH wants to go on the holiday then let him take the laws will have to help then, won't they?
You can have a much needed break.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 18-Jun-16 18:51:08

Did they offer to help? If they did they're BU not to follow through, if they didn't, then I would only have asked once, then left it once it was clear they weren't going to get involved.

Do you have any friends that can spare a few hours?

Petal40 Sat 18-Jun-16 18:51:32

People only do what they want to can't change them...yes it's selfish...but you can't do anything about it

mamas12 Sat 18-Jun-16 18:52:48

Well now you know you will not get any kind of support from them how sad for your dh at a time like this
So you said he has a sister, can she help or at least can you talk to her about the situation would she be sympathetic as in actually helping or suggesting something and not telling the dad to help because quite frankly I would refuse anything fro. Him now

Just remember this when he's older and needs some help himself . It's awful that he's not able to help you mention him visiting his daughter is that your dhs sister maybe she would be willing to help?.

Katedotness1963 Sat 18-Jun-16 19:05:03

Wow. That is just...unbelievable. How could they be so bloody rotten? You know now you can't count on them, I'd never ask them for anything again. Is there no-one else you can ask? I'm completely shocked at the utter selfishness of them not helping you. My family are not close at all, but we can count on each other when we need help. I hope you figure something out, you need a break! Can you get a babysitter to help with the kids so you get a few hours to yourself one evening a week?

quietbatperson Sat 18-Jun-16 19:13:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PovertyPain Sat 18-Jun-16 19:15:46

People have no idea how exhausting it is being a carer and your fil is behaving like a selfish prick, I have been through something similar and I can tell you it will change your relationship with them.

There is no way I would go on holiday with them as you know the resentment will come out and the whole holiday will be ruined for your family. Tell him you are having your own holiday as you need to spend some quality time together after all you have been through. The fuckers have lost any right to spend a nice time with you if they can't be there for you when the going is rough.

CoraPirbright Sat 18-Jun-16 19:17:51

Wow! What selfish shits!! I would go NC after that - their behaviour is just despicable.

Serialweightwatcher Sat 18-Jun-16 19:18:11

You're not being at all unreasonable - he sounds like a selfish so-and-so. So sorry you're having such a crap time and I hope your husband improves quickly and fully flowers cake wine

namechangedtoday15 Sat 18-Jun-16 19:21:01

OP I've been in your exact position. We had 9 month old twins at the time of my H's diagnosis and the start of his chemo. Only a MIL in this situation (no FIL) but she was hopeless. We ended up having a massive row about it - my family rallied (despite the fact that they lived abroad) so at least I had childcare so I could visit H in hospital.

With the benefit of hindsight, it just added to the stressful situation and I wish we hadn't rowed. The fact that she acted almost as if it wasn't her responsibility to help was tough, but not something I could change. A few years on, and I realise that's just how she works, and its sad that it was a bit of a revelation for H.

My advice is (as far as you can) just to accept it because you won't be able to change it and it will only sap your energy or lead to more negativity.

Wishing you and your H all the very best.

NarkyKnockers Sat 18-Jun-16 19:22:54

Going to go against the grain here and say yabu. They clearly don't want to do childcare which some gp don't (none of my kids gp do). I don't really see why you going away for the weekend should be more important than your FIL visiting his dd either?

namechangedtoday15 Sat 18-Jun-16 19:23:47

Should have added that I wouldn't be going on holiday with them however.

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