"the key to a happy and relationship is to spend as much time apart as possible"(27 Posts)
So, a friend of mine informed me yesterday that because me and oh are so lovey and into each other our relationship won't last and we should be spending more time apart?!
Admittedly we are only 24 and have been together since college but after 6 years and a child together (3yo dd) we are still very 'up each other's arses' I think it's still early days considering we plan on spending the rest of our lives together? We are introverts and just love each other's company so spend a lot of time together. Oh is at work all day, 5 days awake and once lo is in bed around 7 we have a few hours together... And of course weekends. Does this really seem like too much? And automatically make our relationship destined to fail? Her comments have made me worry for some reason!
That's only her opinion and she can express it but you don't have to agree with it.
It's upto yourself how you navigate your own relationship!
So one person's opinion makes you rethink your relationship surely if it's working for you then you just continue as is?
Well there may be an element of truth in it for some people.
Personally I would feel very stifled if I didn't have other things/people in my life as well, but appreciate this isn't always the case for other people.
Every relationship is different just as every person is different. For me it dies out and fades quickly when I'm constantly in their pocket and that's partly why my marriage broke down. Mostly because aside from work, we had no life outside of one another. We very rarely went out anywhere and had little to none social life that didn't revolve around each other. It was utterly suffocating. Some people would thrive in a relationship like that though and in fact they even work together which I just couldn't fathom.
It works best for me when I see them once or twice a week. Anything else is overkill but I wouldn't question anyone who does it differently. Different folks and all that... What works for one won't work for another.
If the amount of time you spend together works for you and your OH, then ignore her.
Different amounts of together time will suit different couples. Just because she might prefer to spend more time apart from a partner it doesn't make her preferences "right" for every other couple.
Your friend is talking through her hat. Yes, having some separate interests that don't involve your OH is very important but spending time together should remain treasured.
It works for me. I am genuinely still very happy with my husband of over 25 years but it's important to both of us to do our own thing quite a lot of the time. We're almost always together at the beginning and end of the day and that's when we show our love for each other. The rest of the time, we are individuals with different interests so if we always had to do everything together, it would be very frustrating for whoever was just tagging along somewhere they really didn't want to be. (Of course we have some shared interests too and will happily go along together and talk to each other as well as everyone else!)
We do have seperate interests, I see my friends during the week and he occasionally goes to watch a film with my dad and brother (they're all quite close) or plays his Xbox whilst I have a bath.. We aren't literally in each other's pockets, we just aren't very outgoing people!
It's not that a comment has made me rethink my relationship, I just wondered if there was some truth to what she said. I do try to encourage time apart and say he should arrange a lunch date with his old friends but he just doesn't do it.. Suppose it's different for every couple though
I know I sound as judgey as your friend here but I always think people who think like that are a bit cold and wierd. I just don't understand needing so much 'space'. How would she have coped in the past having to share a one or two roomed house with her whole family! I don't think there is anything wrong with those of us who like to 'live on top of each other'. It might just be that she grew up in a bigger house with a family with more distant interests so as a child she was used to doing her own thing more than those who grew up sharing rooms and doing lots of family activities. Who knows. Relationships are like kids - there is no one size fits all rule you have to find your own way.
My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a year and a half. They only first spent their first whole day apart last week. I think that's pretty extreme but they're both happy. It suits them. My parents' and sister's marriages are fairly similar.
Personally I reckon that once a week is quite enough. The idea of being in a full-time monogamous relationship sounds stifling. But I appreciate I'm the weirdo here.
I was going to say maybe she wants you to spend some time with her and your friends, but after your second post, I don't know. YOu don't sound like you are in each others pockets at all! Sounds like a normal relationship. Maybe because you have a child, she doesnt realise how time consuming it all is.
Although, reading your update, he doesn't seem to have any interests outside of you, does he? Going to the cinema with your family? Playing with his xbox? Maybe that's what your friend was talking about. Perhaps she thinks he's boring.
My previous point still stands, though. If you're both happy then it's fine.
Each to their own but I am very like your friend and my marriage survives because DH has quite a lot of business trips away. It's now easier because he is at least contactable, years ago when our DS was a baby he would do shit like F off in to the Malaysian jungle and be on a canoe going down the Amazon. No he isn't Bear Grylls.
We have done stuff like holiday apart, I actually didn't ever want to marry or have DC but ended up doing both. I'm about as independent as you can be within a marriage, it suits us both.
I game on Xbox, one thing I don't understand is that some of my gaming buds are forced to watch TV they dont like with their partners because it's apparently doing stuff together.
I've been told by a friend that they couldn't 'cope with my relationship ' if it was them, as DP stays in the house a lot doesn't go to the pub etc whereas her Bf is out most nights and has hobbies so they spend a lot of time apart.
Me and dp work, we are extremely happy and in the 3 years we've lived together we haven't spent a night apart. We go out to work, I have nights out rarely, I visit my mum all day on the weekends and he will be on his Xbox. But apart from that we are with each other 24/7. That would drive some people demented I suppose but I do take myself off to bed early and have a read and then later we will cosy up to tv so I feel like i have enough me time.
But when we were both out of work for a short period, and literally together 24 hours a day we did start to get a bit snappy because he is a loud hyper person and I felt I didn't get downtime so I sort of get what she means.
Married 26 years here..together 28. We do stuff together but also have a decent amount of separate time.. I do martial arts, he's a cyclist, and also works longer hours. We spend time together at the weekends doing normal family stuff (only one child at home now) and it suits us. We have been like that since we met.
Sometimes I relish the nights he works away..just me time, but I'm always happy to see him when he comes home. I couldn't be with anyone 24/7 (I can't imagine working together all day) but we rub along very happily!
We have a lot of different I interests. I think that is healthy. Each to their own I suppose but I wouldn't want to spend every waking minute together
I always find it strange when couples have seperate holidays but it just goes to show how different everyone's relationship is. My friend doesn't say it because she wants to see me more (we see each other twice a week) she has children too, but her partner is always jetting off to Pakistan for weeks at a time and works a lot of jobs.
Our relationship sounds extremely similar to yours chinks
It is weird to have no friends of his own. What if he were going through a rocky patch with you, who would he talk to? What if he wanted to give you a break from his agonising over a decision by talking it over with a friend as well. Does he not have hobbies of any kind that involve other people?
It can get awfully claustrophobic and unhealthy if one person relies completely on the other for their downtime and entertainment.
Each to their own. People think me and DP are odd as we sometimes have a few days away on separate holidays and often have nights apart, but still works after 20+ years. I do think working together and living together is usually a bad idea, and certainly it's not good if taken to the extremes if a relative of mine, where he and wife couldn't stand to be apart, if one lost their job then the other would quit to join the spouse at a lower-paid available job, and when she got a treatable cancer she refused treatment as it would mean a night away from home. She died and the kids broke off contact with their dad - very sad all round.
Why on earth would you watch a tv program that you are not interested in, just so that you are "together". That totally baffles me
says someone who never watches tv with dh because we both think each other's programs are totally boring and/or rubbish
Dowhat my thoughts exactly.
We have a big sitting room that has a TV at either end. When DH is watching TV and I'm gaming we both wear headsets. He has bought some horrendously expensive total noise cancelling ones. I can game with my mates and talk and he can watch his sport 24/7.
My friend is forced to watch soaps with his wife so they can be together. I say F that shit.
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