AIBU To be disappointed with In-Laws?(114 Posts)
My 12 year old DD is doing a piano concert today. She has worked hard to practice her pieces for this and we are really looking forward to going. My own parents who live four hours away have come up to stay so they can attend. The In-Laws (DD's other Grandparents), who only live about an hour away, have just come up with a series of weak excuses why they won't be coming.
I feel so sad and disappointed about this. I get that they don't have to come if they don't want to. However, I just don't understand why they wouldn't be interested. We will all be sitting there bursting with pride. When I am a Grandparent (hopefully) I will love things like this.
I shouldn't be surprised really as they have always been reluctant to visit us. They love seeing us but only if we visit them. They have a car and drive distances when it is something they are interested in so transport issues aren't a problem. We have never really got to the bottom of why they dislike visiting us.
I'm not sure that wanting to skive off a 12 year old piano's recital is that unnatural a reaction.
Ahh the joy if sitting in a packed hall listening to a school concert.....oh wait there is no joy in that
Some GP just arent that interested in the daily goings on of GC. Doesnt mean they dont love them. As a parent i spend everyday putting myself out for my DC. Everyday i drive them places, cook/clean for them, spend all my money on them and attend every play/concert/fair going. I am not so sure i will want to put myself out like that by the time i am a GP. Maybe i will just want to do things for me. It wont mean i dont love my family it will just mean after years of putting others (DC) first i will only do things for me.
Is she an incredibly talented wunderkind? Or just a nice 12 yo who has practised and is alright? Because if it's the second, bless you for being so supportive and lovely but no, really no, the GPs don't have to attend.
Completely agree with albert
My DC do musical stuff and drama and I'm very proud of them. However having to sit through the concerts and plays can be torturous, though I would never tell them that. I go and pretend I'm loving it because I'm their mum and that's my job. I'd never expect anyone else to go. My DC have grandparents who love them dearly but would never dream of going - they did that duty themselves when me and my siblings were children. I've now done several years of at least 4 plays/concerts a year and have yet to see a grandparent there.
If you enjoy it and your parents -are willing to sit through it- enjoy it too, then great. But I don't blame your ILs for avoiding it.
This reminds me if my friend who had a root canal done on the same day as her son's piano recital.
The recital was more painful.
Give granny a break. I'm sure they love their grandchild but music recitals aren't everyone's cup of tea
OP - if I was your DDs DGP I would be there in a heart beat. I would be so thrilled to think my DGC and DiL wanted me to attend. It's a big thing for a child to perform in a concert.
My parents would have attended and my in laws wouldn't have.
My in laws haven't been in my house for 16 months.
I don't think they love my kids less. They are just different. Some grandparents love attending these things some don't.
I don't think my parents are right for being more involved. I am glad they are.
Just like some parents love attending and some don't. The difference is you are more obligated to attend when you are parents.
My PIL come to everything they can if we invite them. Everyone is different. I never had a parent/carer at anything I did so I have been to everything through primary and DH goes to secondary school stuff as I was at home with a smaller child who wasn't invited. Our kids have always had at least one parent at everything. Doesn't mean we love our kids more. Don't let it upset you or overshadow the day. It wouldn't be fair in your DD.
They're just different. My parents would attend something like this, my PIL just wouldn't dream of it. But they still love their grandchildren and are fantastic grandparents.
I don't want to attend my own children's music stuff; it's completely torturous! I don't expect grandparents to want to attend too.
"We will all be sitting there bursting with pride."
It's great that you support her but this seems a bit extreme. Is she playing at a very high level? Is she the only participant? Has she never performed before?
I'm not understanding why this is quite such a big deal.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I can understand that you would really like it if your ILs were champing at the bit to sit through an afternoon of stumbling pianos, violins and cellos, but I imagine they (like most other normal people) would rather lose an arm in a threshing incident.
The In-Laws (DD's other Grandparents), who only live about an hour away, have just come up with a series of weak excuses why they won't be coming
OMG, please tell me that, after the first "weak excuse" you refused to take No for an answer, forcing them to come up with more and more outlandish reasons for not wanting to sit through the concert? Please tell us what they were? Were the In-Laws forced to say something like "I have a phobia of rosin" or "A psychic warned me to avoid gym-halls on that day" before you finally accepted that they just didn't want to come?
We have never really got to the bottom of why they dislike visiting us
Does it often involve sitting through hours of children playing music?
I have three GC attend everything I am invited to, if work allows. The hardest bit is trying not to have a little cry when they do their bit!
You've answered your own question in your op.ie. 'I get that they have to don't have to drive if they don't want to'.
You say they never come to you, it sounds silly but have you invited them, or do you assume they don't want to come. I discovered after a long while that my in-laws were waiting for an informal 'fancy coming over for coffee' invite, rather than inviting themselves,
Don't take their reluctance to sit through a school concert (always glad dcs didn't take up music for this reason alone!) personally. I'm sure they are proud of their grandchildren.
The bonus of being a GP.....you can pick and choose what you go to.
I agree with you OP, I have some in laws the same, I don't understand it either.
My parents aren't particularly involved with the kids and it makes me sad too OP. But there isn't much I can do about it. Tbh I hope I don't nag them too much, but on occasions I realise I am and try to back off. they do love the DC but are very strict. Oldest DC said recently he wasn't keen on visiting them as he has to be on his best behaviour. That chimes with how I feel perfectly, though I hope he hasn't picked it up from me, I try not to show it upsets me.
I'm with you, OP. When I'm a GP, I'll be elbowing my way to front row, videoing my GC's bit of the concert, and forcing all my old granny friends to sit through it and say how wonderful it is. But not all families are the same. I don't think it's worth being disappointed with the GPs. Other families aren't as close and have different expectations. That's life. I wouldn't waste time worrying about it.
Maybe they don't like visiting you for a reason. Are you pleased to see them when they do? Do you make an effort or just expect them to? Are your expectations realistic?
I have a family member who I don't like visiting because she can be very moody and withdrawn with me as if I've done something wrong when I know I haven't. She's a resentful soul who stores up imagined wrongs and misdemeanours and then bitches about you behind your back.
I'm not saying that you are like this but its worth looking hard at how you interact before blaming others.
Yeah, you're being unreasonable. Kids' performances are awful.
My parents would cheer on my girls if they sat on stage and blew bubbles, my in laws not so much so. I don't think you can base a whole relationship on one small thing , if they are supportive in other ways I'd leave it.
When my daughter was 15 she had a solo lyrical dance to Bowie's Life on Mars, we were a family of criers that day
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