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WIBU to leave my dd with her dad for longer than agreed?

(12 Posts)
notenoughbottle Fri 17-Jun-16 19:45:05

I have two children with my EXH 8 and 10 and one DD with my EXP who is only just 3. I am extremely depressed at the moment, my GP has recently put me onto antidepressants and I have just started other medication for severe migraines which cause me to have Aura's and yesterday I very nearly lost the sight in my one eye for almost an hour. My house is a mess, my daughter wees everywhere constantly, for which I have sought help. I dearly love her but she is hard work, runs away all the time, screams a lot etc Yes it's probably partly normal behaviour for her age but due to the stress I'm under at the moment i'm just not coping with it very well at all.
Two oldest children have gone off with their dad this afternoon to be dropped back Sunday evening. 3 year old will be picked up in the morning and also meant to be dropped back Sunday evening. I'm going away tues/weds so dd's dad having her, or rather his mother is, on those days. So the AIBU because I feel really guilty even thinking about it and find it hard to make decisions... If I told dd's dad that he was having her full stop till weds night WIBU? It would inconvenience him for only the 1 day - Monday. He barely has her during the week although I'm aware I get much more help from their dads than other single parents do. He's not going to be happy about it at all but I plan to just tell him in the morning when he collects her. I know I'm being a bit U but I am just at the end of my tether here.

EatShitDerek Fri 17-Jun-16 19:46:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

How would he react if you explained how ill you're feeling and asked him to have her rather than told him?

Elismum669 Fri 17-Jun-16 19:50:35

Reasonable request especially given how you are feeling - you must look after yourself. Ask him - text him from tonight- if he cannot is there anyone else- grandparents etc?

Elismum669 Fri 17-Jun-16 19:51:10

Hope you get the rest you need and feel better soon 😘

wheresthel1ght Fri 17-Jun-16 20:02:54

Ywbu to tell him but ywnbu to ask for his help as you are poorly.

I suffer with depression and anxiety so I fully understand what you are going through. I also have a nearly 3 yo who is exhausting and I have no one to take her when she gets too much (dp and I are together). Be kind to yourself and make sure you find time to look after yourself - the mess in the house will still be there tomorrow.

notenoughbottle Fri 17-Jun-16 20:15:29

Thank You for all you're replies. I think the issue is I'm pretty sure that he will say no. I literally had to beg him to have her tues/weds this week so I could go away for the night with boyfriend and friends. He only really wants her when it's convenient for him plus I'm pretty sure he'd use my depression against me by saying she's better off with him or rather his mother would and we just about tolerate each other as it is. He's four years younger than me and still lives at home and he depression stems from their treatment of me during and after my pregnancy. Very controlling, PA etc... I just feel this constant guilt and it's completely eating me up. I'm a rubbish mum at the moment and I know I'm capable of more than that. My mum would also tell me not to tell him my problems so I feel like im completely stuck. My dad is having my two older children as my mum is away this week and he's having chemo atm although is surprisingly well with it but again I feel bad for putting on him. Sorry this is all so long.

wheresthel1ght Fri 17-Jun-16 20:27:37

Notenough - you are not a bad mum!! You have acknowledged you are struggling which is bloody hard regardless of whether you have kids. Is there a friend who could help you out? If not then you may need to hold it together for the extra night - use the time she is with her dad this weekend to get tidied round as best you can, get a couple of decent nights sleep, have a hot bubble bath, watch your favourite chick flick, dance in the rain or whatever else makes you smile even if just a little bit.

Remind yourself how fab you are as a person and a mum.

Then when she is home, bung on some Disney films, give her some colouring, a Peppa pig marathon or whatever keeps her entertained, take her to a soft play centre and let her tire herself out.

Baby steps to get you through

You sound totally shattered. Is there any way of putting in place more long time solutions? Like putting DD in nursery for an afternoon each week and designating that as 'your' time?

Sighing Fri 17-Jun-16 20:37:13

Can you arrange for your mum to take your daughter? I am actually with your mum. Don't keep exp in the loop on your health specifics. Asking for time is reasonable, but really you shouldn't need to justify it. He is a parent and should be prepared to put his DD needing care first.
I used to frame any requests for changes to time as "first refusal" to my exP - acknowleding his parent role, but also not suggesting he had a hold over my plans.

This will also not give this abusive / threatening person any ammunition. Which he would use and you could do without that. Take care of yourself.

MsJamieFraser Fri 17-Jun-16 20:40:17

Yabu, you would not like it if he told you on the morning that he could not have his child, it works both ways.

RubbleBubble00 Fri 17-Jun-16 20:52:03

Just ask. And if 3 year old is wetting then put her back in nappies. Life's too short

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