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AIBU or expecting too much from my sisters wedding??

(48 Posts)
cheza9126 Fri 17-Jun-16 17:48:16

Ok so my sister is getting married and she's chosen a girl who she has only knew for a few years and who is a teenager to be her bridesmaid, she has not mentioned why she hasn't chosen me but being her sister I would have expected to be at least offered to be a bridesmaid for her. We don't see each other much but we share everything so it's not a case we've drifted apart. I'm quite annoyed as she was my bridesmaid and also gave me away so she played a big part on my day and now I feel comepletley left out of it all. My mum and dad have split up years ago and don't talk anymore and she has both sets of parents on the top table and I'm left with people who aren't even family and a massive difference in age and personality.

Can't help feeling upset about the whole thing but woul like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable or can think of anything why she wouldn't have asked me. sad

PurpleDaisies Fri 17-Jun-16 17:51:25

If you are as close as you say you are, talk to her about it. It does sound surprising that you weren't asked.

Tworingsandamicrowave Fri 17-Jun-16 17:52:22

YANBU but are you able to talk to her about this and tell her how hurt you are?

wheresthel1ght Fri 17-Jun-16 17:53:16

Ultimately it is her choice. My sister was my bm but I wasn't hers.

She may have a different role in mind for you but unless you speak to her you won't know.

PirateFairy45 Fri 17-Jun-16 17:55:50

Maybe she wants you to be maid of honour?

PPie10 Fri 17-Jun-16 17:56:13

Yanbu to feel upset especially about not being included in the top table. If you are very close I think you should ask her.

Lighteningirll Fri 17-Jun-16 17:58:30

That sounds harsh flowers yanbu

SeaCabbage Fri 17-Jun-16 18:01:53

Well it's her choice about who she wants as a bridesmaid and you just have to deal with that. BUT, I would ask her calmly if she could seat you with people you would rather be with. That seems fair enough.

WorraLiberty Fri 17-Jun-16 18:05:29

Just ask her.

scarlets Fri 17-Jun-16 18:08:16

I understand how you must be feeling. Talk to her.

Perhaps she subscribes to the idea that married women can't be bridesmaids? I know that was a "thing" when my mates were having big weddings in the late 1990s.

At the risk of opening a can of worms, if she's larger/plainer than you, she may not want the comparisons. Apologies if that's way out of order.

MrsHathaway Fri 17-Jun-16 18:19:43

Do you have children? Maybe she is deliberately choosing someone who will fawn over her and give her her full attention on the day.

Do ask. She may have another role for you eg as a witness or doing a reading. She may have assumed you didn't want to get involved in all that stuff.

BoxofSnails Fri 17-Jun-16 18:28:35

If you have children you can't traditionally be a bridesmaid - would she be bothered about such things, hence choosing someone younger? But I would hope you'd get some sort of role, it sounds like you need to talk to her and tell you how you feel about things.

TipBoov Fri 17-Jun-16 18:51:36

Just speak to her - let her know how disappointed you are.

TooGood2BeFalse Fri 17-Jun-16 19:01:38

I thought my sister and I were really close..she eloped to get married and told my WHOLE family except me.Our brother went as well as several of her work colleagues!

I just waited for her to eventually tell didn't happen and I never found out why. In the end I just decided it was her day, she must have had her reasons and I didn't want ruin it by causing any drama.

Was a very hurtful, bitter pill to swallow though.

cheza9126 Fri 17-Jun-16 22:54:18

Thanks for the replies. It's tomorrow so there is no hope of her having other plans for me. I know I should have spoken to her about maybe and let her know how I felt but like you say toogoodtobefalse it's her day and I don't want to cause any drama for her that's the last thing I want. I'm just hurt I guess I must have thought we were closer than we are. Yes I have children but I know that would be no reason for her not choosing me, if she wanted me as bridesmaid she would have me.

Thanks for your comments. Xx

hanban89 Fri 17-Jun-16 23:00:38

I'm sorry about how you are feeling, it's not a nice thing.
I do think it's strange that you have not been asked and I would be feeling quite hurt.
I am also a total hothead and would have probably just not went had it been me! But that is probably a total OTT reaction to most people.
I hope you still manage to enjoy the day.

HeddaGarbled Fri 17-Jun-16 23:34:33

Lots of people do go for young photogenic people for bridesmaids - it makes for better photos!

A bit shallow and thoughtless of her if that's her motivation but it doesn't mean you aren't important to her. She was younger and unmarried and childless when you got married so the dynamic is different.

The top table arrangement sounds traditional and is not a snub to you. Presumably you will be with your husband and children.

You can really enjoy the wedding as a social occasion without any duties or obligations except to have fun if you can try to put aside your feelings that you should have had more of a role.

Have your parents said anything?

yougotitdude Fri 17-Jun-16 23:46:36

Honestly? I think its her day and its upto her.

Just because you share eveything doesnt mean anything. I have friends I share everything with- but id probably pick the friends I see more often and know more about day to day me then them.

cheza9126 Fri 17-Jun-16 23:49:16

Thanks Hanban89, it has crossed my mind not to go but yes probably a bit extreme!!

I accept the top table is for parents and bridesmaid etc and I'm not part of it however we do have a lot of younger family with other children that I feel we would have been better suited to rather a much older couple who we have absolutely nothing in common with, I can't help feeling snubbed and think she's only put me with them as she doesn't want us to have a good time. It's funny you should mention about the age as she was my age when she was my bridesmaid and she's older than me too...didnt bother me about having a young pretty bridesmaid sad

SouperSal Fri 17-Jun-16 23:51:16

I didn't ask my sister to be my bridesmaid (only had one). Never occurred to me.

cheza9126 Fri 17-Jun-16 23:51:28

Yes I agree it's up to her which is why I haven't voiced my opinion...doesn't stop me from feeling hurt though

KateLivesInEngland Fri 17-Jun-16 23:55:38

I'd be hurt too cheza, people can say it's her day yada yada all they like! She has excluded you without explanation and it hurts. A lot.
Lots of hugs for getting through tomorrow wineflowerschocolate

MargaretRiver Fri 17-Jun-16 23:56:04

It would be fair enough to ask her if there's any way you &DH could sit with cousin X or Y instead of great aunt Z
It's not like the seating plan is set in stone at this stage
But I wouldn't say anything about the bridesmaid thing

cheza9126 Fri 17-Jun-16 23:58:45

Are you married soupersal? Did she play a part at your wedding? I think that's the main reason I'm annoyed, she expected to be bridesmaid at mine yet she hasn't given me a thought at her wedding

cheza9126 Sat 18-Jun-16 00:04:39

Aww thanks katelivesinengland it does hurt. I will do my best to look like I'm having a nice day.

I did ask to be moved but she gave me a look as if she has so many other things to do she didn't want to move me, she never actually answered me. I guess I will just do the best with what I have

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