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To wonder if it's baby stress or my marriage?

(12 Posts)
Onthedowns Thu 16-Jun-16 19:25:57

Been with DH 9 years, two children 4 and 3 months. DS 3 months born prematurely in scbu has stomach problems doesn't sleep well. DH helps sometimes but I am becoming incredibly miserable and not sure if it's new baby stress or cracks in marriage. Today is my wedding anniversary, I normally get a card in eve never remembers to do it on morning. Today DH offered to go for a coffee at lunch but had to be back to pub for 2 as he wasn't missing the football ended up wolfing a sandwich and coffee down at lunch. He's been at pub since 145 and no word. This means I will be dealing with children all night on my own all evening as he has been drinking . No prior warning. On my anniversary too. Since my sons been home 9 weeks he's been on two nights our, all day stag doo and goes training once a week. We have to watch money being on mat leave but he seems to spend on what he likes stag dos costing £600 I have declined my invite due to money, anything I spend I have to justify . I try and speak but get batted down. I get very stressed as DS has terrible reflux cmoi, I get approx 4 hours sleep a night for past 9 weeks. when I get stressed he has a go about my mental health ' sort myself out' when all I need is a bit of help. I do all cooking cleaning washing shopping. He thinks being at home with 2 kids is an easy job. I feel very trapped and unhappy. Things are starting to become clear that I don't want to stay like this. He can be very good with children but I don't think it's enough

CaptainCabinet Thu 16-Jun-16 19:48:08

Really sorry to hear you are struggling OP. He doesn't sound like he's very supportive at all. This is a really difficult time, have you talked to your health visitor, GP, wider family and friends?

Things are so full on how, it's not a time to be making decisions, but you do need more support than you are getting.

His comment about 'sort things out' is really worrying. Parenting is shared and he should doing his fair share and be supporting you.

All the best

Onthedowns Thu 16-Jun-16 22:10:56

Thanks I am thinking if chatting to gp but I don't know if depressed just fed up. Don't have massive support my family have stiff upper lip syndrome - just get on with it. I don't want to stop him having some time out but equally I am shattered. He makes comments like I need to get it together etc when i am running a home and looking after two children, one of which is difficult. He came home and has been asleep since 7. I can't leave him with DS as he's been drinking m

dream75 Thu 16-Jun-16 22:21:41

It sounds like you have been through an awful and stressful time. Sleep deprivation is terrible and can make you feel like you are losing your mind. If you speak to your GP they will be able to help even by just letting you talk. My dh was similar and only a year after our DD was born did he acknowledge that he hadn't helped like he could of. Hopefully things will get better.

FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose Thu 16-Jun-16 23:34:48

I've sent you a pm, OP.

FireTruckOhFireTruck Fri 17-Jun-16 17:31:39

It sounds like a combination of a stressful time and an unsupportive husband.

Perhaps speak to your GP or health visitor if you have a supportive one flowers

FoofooLeSnoo Fri 17-Jun-16 21:15:14

He really sounds like the problem to me. You are doing your best in difficult circumstances and he is just doing what he likes. If it was me, I would be very explicit in my instructions on what he needs to do to support you. You are sleep deprived and vulnerable. Don't let him try to take advantage of that for his own gain.

Dozer Fri 17-Jun-16 21:39:52

Your H is the problem.

Thisismyfirsttime Fri 17-Jun-16 22:43:05

I think baby stress sometimes isn't the cause of cracks in the marriage, it just makes them more obvious. You kind of realise that this behaviour was ok before you had kids, or perhaps just one to deal with because you didn't mind, it was fine and you didn't need help or support. But when you do need it and one night out is a big deal because it falls on a night when you're exhausted, can't get kid/s to bed, have broken sleep and know you wouldn't go out and have a jolly if the roles were reversed (or even if they weren't!) it turns into realising that it's selfish behaviour that actually isn't ok anymore. And then wondering why he doesn't see that. That probably makes no sense but I completely understand where you're coming from and I think you shouldn't put it down to just baby stress, it is a bigger issue imo. Possibly in my projected opinion.

Fairylea Fri 17-Jun-16 22:45:59

Your dh is the problem. He shouldn't be out drinking and spending money when money is an issue and you need help and support at home. It's totally unreasonable.

1AngelicFruitCake Sat 18-Jun-16 13:54:07

I really feel for you. I've got a 2 year old and a 3 month old. 3 month old cries a lot in the evenings. There has been a big strain on our marriage so I can't imagine how tough it must be in your situation.

It sounds like some of it is readjusting to life with another baby, however he also sounds like he's being thoughtless. Find a way to talk to him or write it down so that he gets it. When I've got a night where he goes out I treat myself to some chocolate or a takeaway. Look after yourself flowers

Snapandcrackle Sat 18-Jun-16 16:28:34

Thisismyfirsttime has described things very well

You are right to expect more support than you are getting

Is he kind to you at all?

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