To be annoyed that DH can never take time off work to do any childcare but is happy to finish early to watch football?

[JumblyWumbly]

As per the title really.

DH and I are both self employed but he will never take any time off if the kids are ill, or if I have a meeting that clashes with school collection time, or during school holiday time. He's always far too busy and won't even really engage in any discussion about it.

However he's more than happy to take time off work if he wants to do something; long stag weekends, days out doing his hobby, and this afternoon off to the pub to watch football so he finished early today.

AIBU to be fucked off that he chooses to do this?

[AnnaMarlowe]

No unreasonable in any way.

[DonkeyOaty]

Yanbu

[MrsSpecter]

Yanbu. He's a selfish git.

What are you going to do?

[MrsSpecter]

First of all I would change the priority order on the school's call list so he gets called first when they are ill.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

How does he justify this behaviour when you pull him up on it?

[RandomMess]

It really says how little he thinks of you and everything house and child related is "wifework"

I would feel so disrespected and angry it would probably be the end of the relationship.

[EnterFunnyNameHere]

I don't have children, but as far as I'm concerned YANBU.

For me things like this are equivalent to the "strategic incompetence" type threads where one partner wiggles out of what they don't want to do under the premise of "but you're so much better at it" or similar.

I've had similar before (not about childcare obviously, but about things like taking time off for deliveries or whatever) and to me it's the same as my partner saying "your time is less important than mine, so I should get to spend my very important time doing things I enjoy, whilst you should spend your time doing everything else whether you want to or not".

I always quite liked the approach of explaining very simply that whenever they are about to do something like this rather than reeling off an excuse to you, they actually own up and say "I really don't want to and I think your time is less important than mine" - in theory makes them think about what they are actually communicating when they doss out of life.

p.s. gotta say though, I didn't take that approach, I just dumped him but we didn't have any family or financial ties so totally different!!

[Pinkheart5915]

Your not being unreasonable.

They are his children too and if ill or lack of childcare in school holiday it should be him taking time off now and then as well as you

He isn't that busy if he can just take time of to watch football

[Boogers]

Jumbly do you actually have family time together or is your H so engrossed in his out-of-work activities that he doesn't spend time with you or your DCs?

[mommybunny]

My DH has a similar attitude and it drives me nuts. We both WFH, which is great as my job before had me working long hours in the City and there could literally be days when I left so early and arrived home so late I didn't see DCs at all. Now I'm always around for my DCs and I'm much happier. In our home business DH pretty much runs it and calls most of the shots but it still irritates the hell out of me when he looks on doing the school run, or preparing dinner, or pushing the vacuum around, as "doing [me] a favour". They're his kids and his house too!!!

[BonerSibary]

YANBU, with the caveat that there might be some lines of work where there literally isn't anything doing this afternoon because of the football. Like if he was, I dunno, some type of specialist builder and the whole site is shutting early to watch the match or something. But otherwise no. And anyway he shouldn't be leaving all parental stuff to you regardless of the football. That wouldn't be ok even if he were working every minute of this afternoon.

[TheSparrowhawk]

YANBU.

[Highlandfling80]

Yanbu. My dh worked from home on the day of my colonoscopy. I had it with sedation. Yet once home I ended up caring for Dd3.
Later he took a day off to take his mum to hospital. This didn't bother me as she was undergoing cancer treatment
But a month later took a day off to go to a Lego exhibition.
Now I am due to have an op. I am not counting on him at all. Instead we (he) is paying for childcare.

[OurBlanche]

Make an "I left work early to do family stuff" diary.

You an even use 'girly pink' for you and 'boysy blue' for him, with green for 'but this was just for fun'. Make it up for the last few months, as much as you can remember and hand it to him.

Ask him what exactly he thinks kids are for? Then ask him what the kids think he is for!

[TheSparrowhawk]

That sort of shit entirely kills a relationship Highland. What's the fucking point in having a partner at all if you can't rely on them when you need them?

[margewiththebluehair]

You need to make yourself deliberately 'unavailable' - either through a business trip, a personal holiday, a spa, or something else equivalent to 'football'.

I would also print off in large letters "looking after your own kids is not a favour - it is called parenting". Put it up around the house.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

So what are you going to do, if it was me (and it has been me) my line was

"I can't cover this thursday you need to sort it". And get humphy if he even mentions it to you.
Tell the school he is doing pickup thursday as you are away, ensure they have his number so he gets phoned if no-one turns up.

And do the same every single time it is a problem for you.

[Highlandfling80]

I know the sparrow.

[TheSparrowhawk]

Jumbly, have you talked to him about this?

[Balletgirlmum]

Our entire firm (construction) bar one volunteer to man the phones has finished early today - leaving early on a different day would cause problems.

[TroysMammy]

My ds's partner is like this, only he doesn't take time off (forced to take a week off in the summer but I don't that will happen this year). H does nothing around the house either (she works ft in a school). He then moans at my sister, and me and anyone who will listen about her taking their child out on weekends and holidays when she should be doing housework. He never goes on family days out or even to the park. It pisses me right off.

[MrsSpecter]

leaving early on a different day would cause problems

Sometimes people have to leave early. Especially if they have children. Its unavoidable.

Also, this man is self employed.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You always agree to do it if he refuses?

Well obviously he is the boss of you then.

Why do you allow that? Do you always defer to him?

[Balletgirlmum]

Our men work in pairs with one vehicle between them. They havecto work according to site hours.