Party non-invite

[Lovejay]

Have really tried not to be annoyed but the more I think about it, the more I am!
As my 9 year old's friends were all being handed invitations to a party (by a girl who my daughter is very friendly with) she was told by the girl that she isn't being invited as her mum didn't think she would enjoy the roller-skating anyway. Therefore out of her group of friends, she isn't going - Admittedly my daughter is nervous and anything new is a bit scary but
no one asked her whether she would like roller-skating, it has just been assumed! AIBU? Is it me or is this just rude/unkind?

[branofthemist]

It does sound unkind. Has everyone been invited?

Perhaps has your Dd gone to things before and her nervousness has caused issues?

[WorraLiberty]

Perhaps she was only allowed a certain amount of guests, and that was the only way she could choose?

[molyholy]

It does sound insensitive to do this, but I was also wonder if what bran has said, has happened at previous new experiences?

[Gizlotsmum]

How mean. My daughter is nervous and not done stuff but luckily not been not invited because of it!

[NightWanderer]

Oh, well that's life though. Maybe take her somewhere nice as a treat instead?

[RhiWrites]

It's maddening to be told "you weren't invited because you wouldn't enjoy it". Much better to be invited and then decide for yourself.

That said I have been burned a couple of times by inviting adults to events planned to be Specific Activity and then they come and moan about how much they dislike Specific Activity and can't we do something else.

[WorraLiberty]

Yeah but say for example she's only allowed 10 guests and she needs to narrow them down from 15, perhaps that was the best way to decide?

Unless it's a whole class party, that really would be shit.

[bluecarpet]

If they aren't all being invited then the invites shouldn't be given out ostentatiously at school - our school will only put them in book bags if all invited

[mouldycheesefan]

This is distressing for your poor dd💐
Is there anything you can do to boost her confidence and address her nerves? If she is being left out of parties because of it, it's a real shame.

[LardLizard]

It can be hard work dealing with the nervous kids at to these sort of parties and events

However it is upsetting for your dd, maybe it was just a case of that child only allowed so many children ?

I would say to your dd oh you wouldn't have been able to make it anyway as we are going to (insert fab place) anyway as it will save a bit of face even in front of you

Then crack on and have a fw kids over for play dates etc

[LazyCake]

YANBU. If she was that concerned, her mum should have had a word with you about whether your DD would enjoy the activity.

[cathf]

Ooooh this does annoy me!
My daughter was one of only four girls in her year at school, and they were all friends (obviously - there was no-one else!)
One of the girls used to consistently only invite the other two to parties, even though she was always invited to my daughter's party just a couple of days before. It really used to rile me.
The excuse was there was no room in the car, but the real reason was that the three mums were very friendly and I think they used to use the 'party' as an excuse for a get-together with wine and they didn't want me there cramping their style.
I thought it was shocking manners and I have never and would never let my child leave one of a friendship group out.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Oh dear, it's hard not to feel hurt by something like this isn't it?

I imagine the comment was something the mother said when trying to choose which friends would enjoy the party the most and was never actually meant to be repeated! Maybe the party mother genuinely thought that your DD wouldn't enjoy the party or want to take part?

I do agree it's not the way I would choose invitees - but I wouldn't necessarily assume it was intended unkindly either.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I think she was just being insensitively honest in that way 9 year olds are. Hard lesson to learn!

[ApostrophesMatter]

If numbers were limited it's no more unkind than if she was invited and one of the others wasn't.

[Witchend]

I suspect it was a rather bad way of the mum cutting down numbers not thinking they'd repeat it.

I had similar with dd2, who is missing a hand. In year R she wasn't invited to a bowling party and the child in question said to her "Oh you wouldn't be able to bowl anyway."
She was terribly indignant because not only could she bowl as well as any other 5yo, but she'd actually had a bowling party earlier that year.

However I would have been very surprised if she had been invited to this girl's party-no she hadn't invited her to hers, as they'd never been particularly friendly. Not unfriendly either, just never particularly done anything together. It was just unfortunate that the day before the invites had been handed out they had been sent to take something to another teacher together and the other girl had told her about the party "and you can come too".

I suspect very strongly that this girl had done this to many children and when writing the invites had said "Oh I told A, B, C, D.... they could come too" and her dm had to think on her feet as to say no and she picked on what was actually not appropriate. I know the mum, certain she didn't say it with any malicious intent and would probably have been horrified to find it passed on.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Whether it is mean or not depends whether she was the only one left out.

If she was the only one of a very clear friendship group left out it is very annoying but perhaps they have had a fall out you don't know about?

Although I am sure your DD is lovely is she perhaps a bit hard work with her nervousness and fear of new things? It would be nice for her to be included non the less but I suppose the mum may have been phrasing "I can't handle coping with a nervous kid making the party hard work and needing more than her fair share of attention while I am busy trying to juggle everything, I need fairly self sufficient kids for this to work" as "she won't enjoy it anyway" thinking this is more tactful ...

I am always so impressed and happy that DD's friends are so easy and confident and self sufficient that they pretty much run DD's parties themselves, and have since the age of 8 or so, and it would be harder to be the sole adult if one of her friends needed 1:1 coaxing and hand holding, though if she had a friend like that I expect we'd work around it...

[LunaLoveg00d]

Agree that the daughter should have been invited and given the option to go or not.

But having hosted a party doing one of those high ropes ariel tree course things, paid up front and having two girls who were unsure but decided to come anyway then freak out and refuse to put their harnesses on, that was £30 down the drain. And I had to spend the time the other girls were having fun putting up with two whingey girls.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Aww that's lousy. The whole of the friendship group have been invited and not your dd.
Whether your dd likes roller skating or not. She could still be offered the chance to say.
Thanks, but no thanks

[NarkyKnockers]

Maybe she didn't want to pay for your dd if she thought she would just sit on the side at the expense of another child who would take part? It's hard when kids aren't invited to parties but I just explain that they are often expensive and children are only usually able to invite a set number of friends. There are so many parties In sure she'll be invited to another one soon.

[Lovejay]

Thanks everyone.
Agree with lots of what said. In answer to questions: yes, she is definitely a friend and no falling out (in fact I have known the mother since our children were babies and they have been friends that long!), yes, she is only one out of group not invited.
Yes she is nervous but can usually be coaxed to give something a try but even if not, I have always encouraged my kids to be inclusive - surely life is about learning to help those that aren't as confident? TBH, it's typical of this mum and I suspect like many of you said, she needed to limit numbers but when I think how many parties, play dates etc I've done for her child I can't help but be riled!
Just needed to share before moving on!

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

Depends whether or not numbers were limited. Perhaps the party child was trying to choose between 2 girls and her mum commented that perhaps your DD wouldn't like it as much as the girl because she's nervous of doing new things?

I wouldn't get annoyed, I would use it as an opportunity to teach your DD that we can't do everything in life, not to take it to heart, learn how to let go, etc etc.

[NarkyKnockers]

It's great to be inclusive but I wouldn't pay £15 or whatever it is a head for a child who's unlikely to take part. If they are good friends it might have been an idea to do a different sort of party but maybe the child was set on skating? On the plus side maybe your dd will be encouraged to be a bit more daring in future if she's starting to miss out on things?

[Lovejay]

Understood NarkyKnockers - but she wasn't asked! Just would have thought a mum-friend of 9 years might have mentioned it to me rather than have her daughter announce in the playground that my daughter couldn't come coz she wouldn't enjoy it - grrr, must be more zen!