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To have put my foot down about visiting my mum

(95 Posts)
LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 16-Jun-16 07:10:50

My mum has stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. She is currently in hospital with an infection and a blood clot as well as fluid o her lungs.
I live 200 miles away.
She was admitted last weekend and so obviously I visited last weekend. We were informed last week that she'd be there for 3 to 4 days so I never thought about this weekend.
My aunt phoned last night and told me my mum was feeling really low and wanted me there and if needed I was welcome to stay at hers.
So, I called my boss who said I could take today and tomorrow off and I am driving down this morning spending the day with her and coming back tomorrow.
I called my aunt and asked if I could stay with her and she seemed surprised I wasnt coming for the weekend.
My reasons for this are;
Im trying to keep things normal for my 5yo DS and taking him down there 2 weekends in a row to see his grandma in hospital is not normal and he has things this week hes been looking forward to for ages.
I also work 40 hours plus a week and spending all week at work then weekend travelling (amd weekend traffic there is horrendous), then back to work is exhausting. Im still tired from last weekend.
She then said that she thought my mum was hoping Id spend longer (Ill be there for 9 hours today and an hour or twi before I leave in the morning) so I explained that as I only have a fixed amount of leave and I know as it gets worse Ill have to do this ALOT (my mum cannot rely on my DB/SIL), so Im trying to save it as much as I can.
So for this one time Im trying to visit in a way that means I can spend a long time with my mum (no way coukd DS manage 9 hours in a hospital), and alsk means I wont burn myself out and I get to spend the weekend with my son. Everybodys happy right?
My aunt finally came round but is still a bit cats bum face about it.
I just think its unfair that you call me saying my mums upset and wants me there so obvs Ill want to go, but then try and dissuade me from going when its quicker for my mum (tosay rather than sat/sun) and easier for me.

LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 16-Jun-16 07:33:10

Sorry for the typos...sausage fingers...

monkeysox Thu 16-Jun-16 07:40:46

Will you get another chance to take dc to see your mum. She's very ill. Harsh but true. Yabu

NavyAndWhite Thu 16-Jun-16 07:42:00

You're doing the best you absolutely can OP. It's fine that you're seeing your mum today and tomorrow instead of weekend.

Don't burn yourself out. flowers
I'm sorry about your mum too.

Isitmeyourlooking4 Thu 16-Jun-16 07:46:59

I lost my mum a few years ago to cancer. My biggest regret was not making more time to spend with her.

ClutterofStarlings Thu 16-Jun-16 07:48:21

For one weekend it's not the end of the world, so yanbu. Assuming your boy has a good relationship with grandma, you'll be taking him again soon I should think. Is it possible your aunt was also hoping to see your wee one too and spend a bit of time with him?
Especially as you work full time, you do have to protect yourself a certain amount, and as you say, things will get worse in future.
I would start planning though e.g is there a better traffic time you could go at weekends, or somewhere on the way that would be a treat to stop for your boy. Could you also work out a way of staying more in touch with your mum during the week? Does she have a mobile, or could you get her a cheap device for Skype/FaceTime?

LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 16-Jun-16 07:49:40

I am isitme, I am visiting and doing as much as I physically can.

NavyAndWhite Thu 16-Jun-16 07:49:58

The OP spent last weekend with her mum.
She works 40 hours a week and lives 200 miles away. She is visiting today and tomorrow.

Cut her some slack eh?!

LineyReborn Thu 16-Jun-16 07:50:25

Hi, OP. I think one of the saddest memories I have of my dad's final illness and dying were the expectations of others, and their harsh judgements of me being pulled between different sets of responsibilities. Especially when certain other relatives just weren't willing or able to do anything. I also had a very long distance to travel.

So, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable and I understand. I'm sorry you're mum is so unwell, but she's in hospital being cared for. flowers

You might want to move this to another board btw.

blueturtle6 Thu 16-Jun-16 07:50:28

Talk to your mum, does she want granson to remember her as vibrant granny or ill.granny, I had an uncle who I adored and memory is tinged by seeing him very ill in hospital before he died.

PurpleDaisies Thu 16-Jun-16 07:50:57

Could it be that your aunt is feeling a bit overwhelmed and wants someone else around?

I know you want to keep things normal for your son, but this isn't a normal situation and going down two weekends in a row would be a totally reasonable thing to do, even if it did disrupt his routine.

If you want to go for the day, that's a totally acceptable decision to make. Sorry you're in this position. flowers

coconutpie Thu 16-Jun-16 07:51:15

YABU. Your mum may not have much time left. It would make her so happy to see you and DS. Don't turn this into one of your biggest regrets when she passes on. DS will have lots of time to do activities another weekend.

LivinLaVidaLoki Thu 16-Jun-16 07:51:32

clutter I call her every day. Some days shes better than others.
Im in the middle of working out a plan at work (luckily I have an understanding boss), so Im making progress with managing this I think.

LastInTheQueue Thu 16-Jun-16 07:53:55

Sorry, but I think YABU.
This is one of those times where unfortunately your son does not take priority. Can your aunt maybe look after him for a couple of hours, so he's not the whole day at the hospital and you can have some one on one time with your Mum? And yes, it's going to be tiring, but it's not forever. It's one weekend. Your mum clearly wants to spend time with you and, provided you feel the same way of course, I think you should make that effort.

NavyAndWhite Thu 16-Jun-16 07:56:03

The people saying the OP is BU do you think she should stay down with her mum thurs to sun?

What about next week? What should she do then?

It looks like the OP is trying to cover visiting her mum best she can.

ClopySow Thu 16-Jun-16 07:57:42

I had this a few years ago when my brother was ill.

I worked full time and was a single mum to 2 kids and tried to travel down every weekend. The pressure of keeping things going at home meant i was a mess the whole time and i had to go less.

I regret not spending more time with my brother but emotionally it was just too much at the time.

Someone said to me at the time "just remember, whatever you do just now is the right thing, no-one is built to cope with this well"


civilfawlty Thu 16-Jun-16 07:58:52

Blimey people. The OP's mother is dying. Is this REALLY the thread to get judgy? A bit of empathy and thought please.

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 16-Jun-16 08:01:14

In the nicest possible way, I think you're being unreasonable.

Your DS is only five. He can go his activities another time. I think you'll regret not spending as much time as possible with your mum - you have the chance to go for four days and spend some quality time with her. I'm sure your aunt will look after DS for a bit so he doesn't have to spend his weekend in the hospital as well.

Ultimately it's your decision but I think you'll regret putting the routine of a 5yo above spending time with your mum.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation though sadflowers

suesue89 Thu 16-Jun-16 08:01:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NavyAndWhite Thu 16-Jun-16 08:08:09

What a horrible post suesue89 talk about kicking a dog when its down.

The OP has said that she works 40 hours a week. What do you propose she does? Leave her job? She lives 200 miles away. Not that easy to keep popping in after work is it?

It appears that OP is doing her best in an awful situation.

pictish Thu 16-Jun-16 08:10:45

Don't be silly Sue.

OP I have been where you are too and I understand what a wrench and conflict of priorities you are in. You can't be in both places all the time.

I think your aunt is possibly thinking along the same simplistic and unrealistic lines as Sue there - just cancel everything else in your life and it'll be fine. hmm

firesidechat Thu 16-Jun-16 08:11:11

You think the op ought to give up her job sue because that's what it comes down to. Easy to say from the other side of a computer screen.

Sometimes even when loved ones are very ill you have to juggle everything else in your life too. If I was the ill or dying I would love to see my family as much as possible, but I would also not want them to risk unemployment or other consequences that will be around long after I've gone.

CantChoose Thu 16-Jun-16 08:11:49

Wow I'm surprised by some of the comments here... Suesue, that doesnt just 'sound' harsh, it is harsh! VERY harsh.
OP I think you've made a very sensible decision and not at all selfish as implied by some other posters.
You've rearranged your schedule to be there when your mum needs you and taken (previous!) annual leave to do so without disrupting your son's routine.
For me it's obvious you really care about your family (all of them!) and I think I you've done the right thing.
So sorry you're having to cope with this.

CantChoose Thu 16-Jun-16 08:13:42

*precious... Not previous....

Pseudonym99 Thu 16-Jun-16 08:14:36

You're probably better off going during the week, as people in hospital are quite often overrun with people visiting them at the weekend, but then have very few visitors during the week.

And if your Aunt says your mum has said this or that, you need to take that with a pinch of salt.

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