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to tell close friend her hubby is cheating. it will break her heart. she's happy

(182 Posts)
2beautifulkids Wed 15-Jun-16 17:48:35

I've name changed but posted some time ago about my friends husband.
She's a close friend and has recently had their dc2. He came round to my house one night and told me he was in love with me, tried to kiss me and was told to F off.

I didn't answer his calls or txts (there were lots) so he came to the house with his daughter (who tbh looked upset and like she had been forced into it ) saying that he didn't want to come round but she had been begging him to come and play with my dc. Funnily enough this was when his wife was out. After that he kept txting and calling me, banging on my door late at night wanting to "talk". There's nothing to talk about. I don't like him. I'd never in a million years do anything with him if he was single let alone married to my friend.

Today he started calling this morning and proceeded through the day (at no point did I answer). Then started txting asking what was up with me because I was usually friendly (well I am Infront of family and friends just not with him on his own).

I told him exactly why and that I didn't want contact with him. At no point have I threatened to tell his wife, I've thought about it but not done it. She's just had a baby and I don't want to hurt her or make things worse for her at home. But the worse he's getting I'm thinking I really need to. I just don't understand why I have to be the one to break her heart?? Why she deserves to have her heart broken?? She's done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong other than not telling her sooner but I can't see any other way anymore.

I kept messaging him today saying I didn't want to speak to him because of the things he had done and he just said that he was trying to put a smile on my face and it was nothing more than close friends talking. He sent me messages about wanting to have passionate sex with me and wanting to take me out after his divorce and when I explained to him that this isn't how people make each other smile he just kept saying he's done nothing wrong he just likes my company.

AIBU to want to tell friend now and what is the least damaging way to do this (to her). I feel like whatever I say or do it's going to come as a massive shock. She doesn't deserve this. There's a selfish bit of me wishing he had chosen someone else to try it on with aswel. Why put me in this position?

SeemsLegit Wed 15-Jun-16 17:51:44

I would feel like she needs to know but I have no idea of the best way of telling her

TheseLittleEarthquakes Wed 15-Jun-16 17:55:33

Do you still have the messages? I think you have to tell her, and provide proof, but be aware it might end your friendship.

Lottapianos Wed 15-Jun-16 17:58:46

What an utter creep. Awful position for you to be in

How do you think she will take the news? I mean obviously she will be devastated but will she believe you? Is there any chance she could go into denial mode and blame you for either getting it wrong or leading him on somehow? I think it's worth being prepared for the most likely outcome before you do tell her. It will be the most dreadful shock for her. I think you have to tell her but what a dreadful thing for you.

For what it's worth I think you've handled things well so far

blueturtle6 Wed 15-Jun-16 18:01:39

Be prepared to lose friendship over this, agree she needs to know but generally the messenger and woman in question get blamed....sorry I hope it ends better for you.

Smartiepants79 Wed 15-Jun-16 18:02:49

He sounds quite unbalanced. That is not normal behaviour.
I would be feeling stalked and not very safe to be honest.
Does anyone else know?

MitzyLeFrouf Wed 15-Jun-16 18:05:53

I agree with Smartie. His behaviour sounds really worrying.

Yes I certainly would tell a very close friend if their husband was acting like this towards me.

mylovegoesdown Wed 15-Jun-16 18:08:26

I wouldn't. I did this many years ago with a friends DP who aggressively came on to me every time she went to the loo when we were all out as a group.

It led to her ending the friendship with me as he told her that I'd been coming on to him. He threatened me with physical violence (via her texts) for being a 'dirty slut liar'.

I was glad to be rid of both of them after that.

Mooingcow Wed 15-Jun-16 18:08:33

I'm not sure responding to his messages is very wise.

Even if you're saying 'no' you are still engaging.

Can you remove yourself from this drama completely and then of course be there for your friend should he do the right thing and leave her?

Otherwise, you need to not be party to his harassment.

Newbrummie Wed 15-Jun-16 18:12:25

they always shoot the messenger

MitzyLeFrouf Wed 15-Jun-16 18:13:20

They can shoot the messenger if they want but if it's a really close friend I think you owe it to them.

Fairenuff Wed 15-Jun-16 18:16:22

If you have the messages saved then she won't be able to fall for any of his bullshit. If not, leave it for now and save any future messages.

blackbirdmilkshake Wed 15-Jun-16 18:17:03

Why haven't you blocked his number? He sounds unhinged

TheWindowDonkey Wed 15-Jun-16 18:17:18

Yes you need to tell her. You might lose her friendship, he WILL twist things and make you out to be guilty, but if you preempt that by telling her t hat you expect him to and that you are perfectly willing to confront him WITH her so he can't lie to her behind your back.

If you were my friend and this came out later on and you hadn't told me I'd be so, so hurt.

Charlesroi Wed 15-Jun-16 18:19:40

Block him in any way possible. He wants to dump his wife and he wants to be able to blame you for his selfish behaviour.
Don't answer the door if he turns up and, if you do accidentally answer, tell him that you are busy/going out/about to have dinner etc. Then shut the door. The girls can play together another time, when his wife is around.
He's a sex pest - please don't put up with it. His poor wife sad

2beautifulkids Wed 15-Jun-16 18:25:56

Charlesroi I think that's been my downfall so far. Everytime he's knocked on the door I've politely said I'm busy.

He's txt or called most nights trying to make it look like he's helping me. ( I'm on my own and he owns a takeaway so works late nights anyway) he starts off trying to make out like he's helping me by calling or txting asking if he can drop me off any dinner on his way home, which I politely decline. I don't mind when his wife is there too as she's a good friend but when he calls asking to come round which can be anytime from 9am-1am I often say I'm busy, my mums here, Sometimes I pretend to be out/asleep/ in the bath which I did on one occasion for and he knocked loudly at 1am with the letterbox for ages. At least 15 mins. I think I've been Too Nice

Janecc Wed 15-Jun-16 18:26:28

I would want to know as his wife. Is she physically and mentally strong after the birth? That would be my concern - wait or tell her now. Definitely need to tell her as he has not stopped. Had it just been a drunken flirt or a short infatuation without making advances on you that may be excusable.

Lertle Wed 15-Jun-16 18:26:48

i personally would want to know

but you will probably lose her as a friend ....a few years ago I found out my ex best friends H was trying to fuck another woman and when I told her that was it I was completely cut out

sadly a lot of women believe their lying prick dhs over their mates

your friends h sounds unhinged

2beautifulkids Wed 15-Jun-16 18:29:32

Blackbird I have blocked his phone number from calling me and I'm now blocking his whatsapp too. I've just sent the following message (after him messaging non stop for hours)

"You either stop txting me or I've got every message you've ever sent if you're still going with the "trying to be nice" card. J (another friends husband) is fucking nice to me but do you see him doing this? Just stop H

AugustaFinkNottle Wed 15-Jun-16 18:29:44

First, block him. Refuse to engage with him.

Second, if he tries to contact you in any way, tell him that it is harassment and you will be reporting him to the police as well as telling his wife.

Third, if he doesn't stop, report him, and tell your friend why.

KacieB Wed 15-Jun-16 18:30:34

What Augusta said. Protect yourself and get ready to call the police. The guy honestly sounds unwell.

Isetan Wed 15-Jun-16 18:31:22

Don't confuse your friend's blissfully ignorance that she's married to a sleaze, as happiness. It really is not your responsibility to protect her from the truth, your responsibility begins and ends with taking measures to stop his harassment of you. Stop replying to his messages and contact the police because right now he's using your fear of upsetting his wife as a means to continue his harassment.

2beautifulkids Wed 15-Jun-16 18:32:49

Lertle that's exactly what I'm scared of, that she will believe him and he will blame everyone else and then when he inevitably is shown for the little creep he is in the future she won't have the support she could have done

Janec she's physically recovered well but mentally she's got two under three to look after and the thought of going back to work. I don't think anybody's mentally at their strongest with a tiny baby are they. It would be unfair on her anyway but it's just so cruel

emilybrontescorset Wed 15-Jun-16 18:33:51

This man is a flaming pest.

Block his number immediately.

Don't answer the door and if he comes round again you could threaten to call the police.

I really don't know what I would tell your friend as I think he will try and put all the blame on you.

Can you arrange to only see her when she is alone or with her kids?

2beautifulkids Wed 15-Jun-16 18:34:20

Looking back that reads bad. She is mentally strong it's just not fair. I'm sure she would be, but I don't want her to have to be mentally strong enough to be a single parent to a tiny baby. I've been through it myself and I just wish it didn't have to happen to her

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