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To throw it all away

(37 Posts)
Snugglesundertheduvet Wed 15-Jun-16 09:44:05

I left an abusive relationship with dds dad. It was a confusing time and neither of us realised it was abusive just put it down to him being depressed and angry. He's now doing a perpetrator course seeking help from gp and therapists. I moved in with parents in feb, however my dad seems to resent the fact that we live here now with him and my mum. He told me he's not a parent he's a grandad, I asked him why he thought he was a parent because I don't want or expect him to be because he's not, he then responded with you're not either.

I feel like I've been through enough, I appreciate them allowing us to stay here until I can afford to live independently with my dd and I hate that I can't provide her a home but my dad constantly reminds me that I'm in his house, that he's put the roof above dds head not me, aibu to think I should just leave and go on the council waiting list for a house, probably have to leave my nursing course because I can't afford it all. I'm a student so at the moment can't afford private renting. Dd is 9 months at the moment, I planned to stay here until I finished my uni course which wouldn't be until March 2018 when I would have a proper income and can then buy a home. In the meantime though I don't want dd growing up in an environment where I'm criticised infront of her, as I'm told by my own dad that I'm a rubbish mother, and made to feel like a rubbish mother. I already feel like one after the breakdown of my relationship with dds dad, loss of home, and nasty counter allegations made by ex which he now apologises for. I've lost the life I had and am already going to counselling for depression, my dads comments just leave me feeling worse.

I wanted better for dd, and I know in two years if I stay at uni I can provide that for her. I'm just really struggling to cope with this living environment and feeling unwelcome

I didn't have a particularly happy childhood and was constantly criticised, and called names. I thought now I'm older it would change but I see it happening again. I left ex but my dad makes me feel just as bad if not worse. I don't know what to do, I have dd to think of, I don't think it's possible to do it all

BishopBrennansArse Wed 15-Jun-16 09:45:56

Can uni support services try to help you find accommodation and childcare options to enable you to continue? It would be a shame to throw this opportunity away. You shouldn't remain where you are, though.

Snugglesundertheduvet Wed 15-Jun-16 09:56:25

Thank for your reply. I'm on maternity until October. I don't think uni offer accommodation if you have a child. I know this isn't the place to be I just don't know where to go. I looked in to temporarily claiming benefits but don't get housing benefit due to getting a bursary but it's not enough to bring a child up, pay the remaining nursery fees when I return to uni, and pay rent and bills. I don't know what to do

BishopBrennansArse Wed 15-Jun-16 10:00:46

They may not but they may be able to find a workable solution. I think you owe it to yourself and your little one to research all possible options before deciding.

AnthonyPandy Wed 15-Jun-16 10:05:46

You don't get hb because of a bursary? Are you sure? It's not like being a normal student, student nurses have different rules.

DollyBarton Wed 15-Jun-16 10:08:00

OP your father is quite the arsehole. Who does that to their own kid! (Lots of people unfortunately).

I don't know what to say but start putting things in motion to get out but with the plan to stay at uni at all costs. I'm not sure who can help but there must be some group or organisation who can support young (I'm assuming you're not a mature student?) single parents through education. Speak to your council, call any charities you can find the names of, google house shares, speak to your university, anywhere safe even if something like a 1 bed with shared kitchen, would be better than living with your emotionally abusive father.

Ps 2 years, albeit 2 difficult years really will pass in a heartbeat. Hang in there.

JacketPoTayTo Wed 15-Jun-16 10:08:15

Your dad sounds awful - you and DD's happiness and wellbeing should be a huge priority for him, especially given what's happened this year for you. What does your mum say about it all?

OurBlanche Wed 15-Jun-16 10:10:13

Definitely go and talk to Uni about it... your course oes have different rules and you really can't stay at 'home'. You seem to have got rid of one abusive man and walked into another Has your dad always been like that or is there something about the situation that he just can't cope with?

Talk to anyone and everyone who could help: WA, CAB, anyone there will be help available to you, benefits and grants you can apply for and receive!

Good luck.

VioletBam Wed 15-Jun-16 10:23:21

I agree with talk to Uni but also call your housing department...local authority...depending on your area, they might be able to advise or help further. Tell them everything.

VioletBam Wed 15-Jun-16 10:24:17

And you WOULD get housing benefit if you had your own place. Bursary or no bursary.

CurlyBlueberry Wed 15-Jun-16 10:26:53

While I agree with the posts suggesting places you could turn to, to get your own place, I do wonder what does your mum think? Does she secretly agree with him, or would she tell him to pack it in? I'm just wondering if it is worth talking to her first.

Guinnessbreath Wed 15-Jun-16 10:36:25

As someone who had to drop out of a nursing course and is now thinking about all the rubbish I have to do to reapply, please try your best to stick it out. I know your dad is an arsehole but nursing is such a challenging course, doing it twice is pants.

Sundance01 Wed 15-Jun-16 10:40:14

Okay - well I was in a similar position two years ago when my daughter and 5 year old Grandson had to urgently move in with me and a few weeks later she discovered she was pregnant again. Its a long story I will not go into but as a parent I felt I had to take her and her children in and I really wanted to but.......

I lost my home office to give my Grandson a bedroom so had to rearrange my bedroom to have my office. I had to get rid of loads of clothes/possessions etc in order to accommodate their things. She put most of hers into storage and only kept essentials but my Grandson needed a normal home. My lovely tidy living room became full of toys and then baby things.

My relaxing mornings turned into a mad rush to get ready for school and then when the baby arrived I had sleepless nights and nappies everywhere.

I could no longer invite friends round in the same way and meal times became less wine and pasta and more fish fingers and chips.

Whilst my daughter was the kids parent I absolutely became a co-parent instead of a 'Nanny' and I said to everyone that the saddest part was not being able to be a Grandparent but having to deal with the day to day mundane aspects of parenting. It was great to be so close to them especially my new born Granddaughter but on balance it had more downsides to positives.

Every single second of every single day was altered by them living with me and it was unbelievably hard.

It was a nightmare when people said I must live having them there......NO I did not. I had a full and active life which they were a part of beforehand and I had to give up so much. I used to see them 3 or 4 times and week and regularly had my Grandson to stay but having them around full time was totally different.

They moved out 8 months ago and I know I am still paying for it. My carpets and furniture were not bought with having small children around all the time and they have been damaged. My garden which was beautiful has now taken me all summer to repair the damage caused by normal play. They did nothing wrong - just lived normally but the impact on me was immeasurable

If I had to do it again I would in a heart beat but I never ever really want it to - it was the hardest part of my life. I'm just saying all this to put into perspective what your parents are having to go through right now. You have probably put the most amount of stress on them - give them a break. They probably did not want this but you have put them in a position where they are having to put up with it and you seem to be suggesting they will have it for another two years. Just for a minute try thinking about it from their perspective.

They have taken you in and have put their lives on hold for you - allow them to not always feel so great about it and to get angry about it - they may be your parents but they are individuals with their own emotions and feelings. They may be concerned about the finances - about damage, about being expected to babysit - they may have aspects of their lives you know nothing about that they have had to give up.

Whilst this is difficult for you - it is no bed of roses for them.


Flatbellyfella Wed 15-Jun-16 10:40:22

You are very unlucky to have a dad that does not have an ounce of compassion in him, I would never treat my daughter in such a way, & to extend his venom onto the grandchild is awful. If you could get your name onto the social housing list soon as possible, would be a good idea.

BishopBrennansArse Wed 15-Jun-16 10:44:14

Sun dance - were you abusive through her childhood too?
If not there's no comparison...

DailyMailEthicalFail Wed 15-Jun-16 10:45:08

Another one who thinks you MUST stick with your course and if at all possible get different accommodation. Go speak to Uni. Go speak to the Council. Leave no stone unturned.

Your Dad has clearly returned to his pattern with you as a child (which - may - be why you ended up in a bad relationship with dd's Dad, as your self esteem will have been affected by your Dad as a child?).
Living with that now is bad for you and doesn't help you parent your dd either. Not what you need when doing a challenging course and striving for your future!

I take my hat off to you for achieving all you are achieving. Don't let it go.

Junosmum Wed 15-Jun-16 10:49:40

On top of the advice above, can I suggest that you look at doing the freedom project? You admit that "I thought now I'm older it would change but I see it happening again". The freedom project can help with that.

chicaguapa Wed 15-Jun-16 10:51:06

I wonder if your dad has realised that the reason you fell into an abusive relationship with your DD's dad is because of his abusive nature towards you? confused

Definitely look at all your options and maybe if there are any other routes to get to where you want to be. I know you want the best life for your DD, but living at home witnessing your relationship with your dad is not the best lesson for her.

I'm a bit confused as to why he says he's not a parent but a grandparent. He's your parent. Why does he feel he isn't?

EarthboundMisfit Wed 15-Jun-16 10:57:33

Our Ladies Circle funded a woman in a fairly similar situation three years ago. I would contact local charities.

GigiB Wed 15-Jun-16 11:01:06

If you can't find an alternative - I'd accept its him that's not going to change, keep you head down, stay there as short a time as possible, save like crazy and finish the course.

Snugglesundertheduvet Wed 15-Jun-16 11:02:56

I'm 25. My dad has always mocked me or criticised or put me down but he seems to have got worse and he knows my sore points and uses it to hurt me. He was made redundant last year so my mum said he's just stressed. My mum said she wants me here, and to ignore him but I can't ignore it, everytime I put dd to bed I get upset thinking about the situation we're in and how I want to give her better. I guess realistically I could afford to rent privately, even if it's a room, it's just last time I went to do this my dad said I couldn't afford it, then said I'd live in a 'scumhole', have horrible neighbours, and only afford a rough area full of druggies, and that would be a horrible place for dd to grow up, and it just put me off and made me feel guilty for dd, there's actually 3 spare bedrooms in my parents house and I thought for dds sake il stay and put up with him so she has somewhere nice to live, but now this is happening a couple of months later, I know staying here is no good for my mental health. Il speak to citizens advise and see if they can help at all. Thankyou for all your replies

I appreciate your view from a different perspective however although I understand the pressure that it puts them under and have shown gratitude from the beginning, my mum told me I should stay until I finish my training I did not just assume, myself and dd live in a room that had nothing in it before it wasn't used, I pay for everything dd, I care for dd in every way, I will be paying the nursery costs when I return, I don't ask them for anything, I don't stop them doing anything. My dad has made digs and snide remarks about deeply upsetting things which were not needed. I know if my dd was in this position I would just be happy they were here and okay. I would not mock my dds feelings, belittle her in front of her child, tell her she's not a mother. Those are cruel things to say. I didn't want to be here either, I didn't want to impose on their lives, I didn't want mine to be so disastrous, I feel like a failure of a mother and a partner, I can't provide a home for my dd and that is devastating. I know the situation is not nice for anyone but u don't think you understand thanks for your input

DollyBarton Wed 15-Jun-16 11:20:46

Your dad saying things doesn't make them true. It just makes him a big, abusive jerk.

They are your parents, they should help out when you need them. I know mumsnet is quick to jump on people as entitled but I think parents should help their children, even in adulthood, especially when their child is working hard to make a better life and not just relying on them out of laziness. I'd personally be proud of you if you were my daughter.

You sound like a great mum. And your are working towards a more positive, independent and happier future.

mikesh909 Wed 15-Jun-16 11:28:01

Look in to hardship funding at your university. All universities have this provision. It involves filling in forms with your income / outgoings etc etc but whatever money awarded does not need to be repaid. You can apply in every academic year of your course. Having a child will mean they look favourably on your application.

I would also check with the students' union about how they might be able to help with accommodation. Most universities have separate provision for mature students and this often includes studio flats or similar for families. This kind of thing is what they are there for!

Good luck!

LizKeen Wed 15-Jun-16 11:41:39

Your fathers comments say more about him than they do about you. I think its really hard when you have grown up hearing it from the people you trust from birth. You believe it unquestioningly and blame yourself.

But this is your dads issue, not yours. He is a horrible person and he isn't right. Not one bit.

I can completely understand how adult children and/or grandchildren moving in can upset the rhythm that parents get into, but I have to say, I don't have the mindset that sundance01 has. My kids will be welcome in my house forever.

ChocChocPorridge Wed 15-Jun-16 11:49:23

Goodness Sundance - it doesn't sound like you were happy about that at all.

On the other hand, DP, DS1 and I all moved in with my MIL and FIL for a year when DS1 was 1, she also moved stuff around, had toys everywhere, and was sad to see us go - it's not always hell having people living with you.

DS1 has an amazing relationship with MIL and FIL now, and is so comfortable in their house because it was once home (as of course am I, the DIL because they made it so).

OP - you are not having the harmonious experience I had, and you need to get out. As others have said, there are special rules for nursing courses, and it may be that there is accommodation for students with families (I'm not a nurse, but I know my old Uni has family accommodation now)

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